Archive | September, 2010

Barbie Doll: Product Specifications

28 Sep

It’s no secret I had a thing for Barbies as a little girl.  Yes, I used past tense. I’m the author here.  Whether I enjoy playing with my niece’s Barbies is none of your business.  Find your inner child.

Ok.  So I listed out the fifty fab actions ladies should expect from their Ken Doll friends, or even special edition mates… http://tinawatkins.wordpress.com/2010/09/23/ken-doll-product-specifications/Now we’ll look at what should be expected of us ladies.

Men, know that a real woman does these things.  Without asking, prompting, showing.  If she doesn’t, maybe she needs help, coaxing, advising from her Ken Doll pal to step her game up. Let’s get right for each other.

I got a little distracted while trying to do the Ken Doll list, so for Barbie let’s just say this is all about your special limited edition.  E.g., the one and only for which the Ken and Barbie androgynous special parts fit specially together.

Barbie Product Specifications: If your Barbie Doll fails to perform any of the following Fifty Fab Actions please return to the manufacturer with proof of purchase.

  1. Enjoy life
  2. Be positive, optimistic and proactive
  3. Showcase her beauty to its fullest
  4. Be supportive
  5. Take care of herself
  6. Dress up
  7. Smell wonderful
  8. Cook/bake/bartend
  9. Clean
  10. Decorate
  11. Follow
  12. Be caring; gracious; graceful; strong
  13. Be sexy; seductive; inviting
  14. Be vulnerable; clear; open
  15. Be brilliant; resourceful; creative
  16. Rub your back
  17. Hold your hand
  18. Kiss your head
  19. Catch your eye
  20. Touch you gently
  21. Guide you subtly
  22. Expect your best
  23. Give her best
  24. Listen with an open, retentive mind
  25. Talk with a gentle tongue
  26. Act with purpose
  27. Love without fear
  28. Correct you privately
  29. Praise you; Celebrate you
  30. Remember and do what you like
  31. Know what she wants
  32. Do what she likes
  33. Honor you
  34. Respect you
  35. Challenge you
  36. Encourage your growth
  37. Be fun
  38. Be spontaneous
  39. Refresh your drink
  40. Make your plate
  41. Provide a sense of order
  42. Give you an eyeful
  43. Flirt
  44. Help you relax
  45. Give you space
  46. Celebrate life; Success; Challenges; Holidays; life
  47. Be free
  48. Appreciate, and do the little things
  49. Understand what you’re saying
  50. Let you play with her.  Did I ever claim this wasn’t fun?

Is that about right?

Tags: , , , ,

Ken-Doll: Product specifications

23 Sep

While at an amazing play over the weekend (www.bitchtheplay.com) I found myself giggling at a line in one of the monologues.  The character was swooning about the godly behavior of her mythical “One”… Because he showed up on time and opened doors.  Giggle.

Chivalry is not dead.  And I’m not spoiled rotten.  Spoiled, yes.  But I spoil too so it evens out…

Here we will list 50 things to expect from a man who knows how to treat a lady.

Even your buddies should be doing these things up to item 30. It’s stuff Daddys do.  Help them step their game up for the special Barbie they’ll find by putting them on point now.

I’ll be honest, as a do-it-yourself Daddy’s girl with a tool belt and strength to baffle many men, my man had some training to do… And I’m a pretty well-domesticated animal.

This is not a challenge to your superwoman strength or capacity, rather a display of respect and honor.  Don’t worry. A handy list for the ladies will follow.

For you fellas who aren’t sure… Do this, without prompting.  Women will swoon and your game will skyrocket.  Enjoy it.  Should you need instructions or tips on the following, let me know and I’ll explain each in detail.

Ken Doll Product Specifications: Should your Ken Doll malfunction, or fail to perform the following Fifty Fab actions, please return to the manufacturer with proof of purchase.

  1. Open doors
  2. Be on time
  3. Call if late (<–Before arrival time)
  4. Walk closest to the curb
  5. Guide you when walking together through a crowd
  6. Help you take off your jacket
  7. Wait until you’re seated to sit
  8. Pull out your chair
  9. Offer his seat if standing
  10. Carry more stuff than you do
  11. Make sure you never walk anywhere alone at night
  12. Move big stuff
  13. Move heavy stuff
  14. Move ugly stuff
  15. Kill or scare things
  16. Check on scary noises
  17. Take out the trash
  18. Give you his jacket
  19. Cover you if it’s raining
  20. Help or lift you over puddles
  21. Handle all things fiery
  22. Handle all things vehicular
  23. Help you up and down steps
  24. Help you in and out of cars
  25. Make sure you’re never out late alone
  26. Stand up for you
  27. Help you out when you need a hand
  28. Listen when you need an ear
  29. Advise when you need wisdom
  30. Correct when you need checkin’
  31. Direct when you need leadership
  32. Pick you up for dates…
  33. And drop you off (bukkit-nekkit?)
  34. Drool when you wear minis
  35. Attack when you’re bukkit….
    Sorry.  I got distracted.  Um.Chivalry.  Stuff he should do.  Clearly this morphed into something else around number 30.  (Blushing)

    No matter.  So… For the Ken doll in your life whose special parts weren’t melted into a permanent shield… I continue with specs for your special Ken doll…

  36. Handle it.
  37. Take care of it.
  38. Cover it.
    Note: If 36 to 38 seem vague or cryptic now, wait ’till the love of your life utters those little words to you and check back.
  39. Make things ok
  40. Rub your feet if you’re weary
  41. Rub your back if it’s sore
  42. Rub your… DANGIT!  This is hard.
    Refocusing.
  43. Soothe you
  44. Dress up for you
  45. Smell nice for you
  46. Take care of himself
  47. Do nice things for you just because
  48. Center  you
  49. Adore you
  50. Make your relationship top priority

Mind you, this is not for you if your interest is in the garbage pail kid type:

Now… In case any of you ladies or gents (who obviously don’t know me) thought the ladies were about to be pampered free of charge…

Barbie product specifications are next: http://tinawatkins.wordpress.com/2010/09/28/barbie-doll-product-specifications/

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 223 other followers