Archive | February, 2012

How to opt out of what’s not good for you.

29 Feb

Is there anyone alive named Lucifer or Jezebel?

Things would be easier if folks were named according to who they really are.  But then, nothing that’s bad for us ever appears as itself.

It’s enticing and it feels good and it’s easier to buy into than what’s good for us.  Otherwise no one would ever do anything bad for them.  Because we’re at least smart enough to avoid hurting ourselves.

What if: Oversleeping always meant your sleep was filled with nightmares about the unproductive day ahead?  The first sip of alcohol made you vomit and ache?  That hot other man or woman was tattooed with the ways they’d ruin your life? A loan required you to pay interest up front?   Hanging out all night required a divorce settlement be met first?

Somehow we always seem to forget this simple fact:  If it’s bad for us, it will be the most incredible-seeming indulgence around.  Only when you’re knee-deep in chocolate cake singing the blues in the key of G–urgle will you look up to realize maybe… Just maybe saying no, or a little moderation would have been better.

What’s particularly dangerous, is not everything seems so dramatically bad for us… AND it’s disguised as awesomeness.    There’s no such thing as not so bad.  Thankfully we can always put things in perspective even if it isn’t easy.

Three things help with this: Distance, time, and honesty.  

  1. Distance: Run like the dickens. We all have a flicker of doubt when something potentially bad comes our way.  When you have that, get away from whatever it is fast.  What’s bad for us tends to be readily available and we won’t have to work for it.  It’s incredibly distracting to ponder whether you should eat a red velvet cake pop when it’s in your mouth.
  2. Time: Let it disappear. Once you’re away from it, make a commitment to yourself to do nothing. Say no.  The inkling of doubt usually is dead-on.  But we don’t get a chance to see it if we barrel ahead to do whatever our intuition is telling us we shouldn’t.  Don’t leave room for what-ifs, conditional bad behavior, or not so bad.  Just opt out.  This grants time for you to see it for what it was and for it to go away.
  3. Honesty: Can you handle the truth? The biggest challenge is, the first two steps require honesty.  Sometimes though, when we’re honest with ourselves we don’t like everything we see.  No one wants to believe they’re powerless to control their urges.  That they want to do something that will hurt them.  That their friend has bad intentions.  That something they trusted isn’t real.

We can’t win a battle if we don’t know where our weaknesses are.  When we rage ahead thinking we have everything under control we don’t.  But nothing’s going to stop you but you.  That’s why when we opt into bad behaviors they tend to get worse and worse:  The volume gets turned up on the message we were too proud or ashamed to see in the first place.  We have to stop ourselves before that cycle begins.

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Judging by that judgment…

28 Feb

We judge others more than we think.  We judge when we think or say they did something wrong.  We judge others when we think or say they hurt us.  When we think or say they pissed us off.  When we think or say they’re perfect.  We judge others when we do anything other than accept who they are and love them for it.

Most of us would agree a lot more good comes from spreading the love than the judge.

Every instant we spend judging is an instant we’re not loving.  So why judge?

Because it comes so easy.  Like saying yes to the cupcake or martini, the day off, the extra pair of shoes… Yes to the question, “Are you feeling ok?”

It’s easy to say yes to everything but the real questions.

  • Who are you to judge someone else and what do you gain from it?
  • If everyone were perfect would you love them more and would you then focus on self?

Judgment isn’t positive expectation.  Judgment is a passive-aggressive form of control, a silent curse, conviction and prayer for someone to be other than what they are: Know how we know?  When there’s real authority behind a judgment it is an order, a formal decree.

If a Superior Court Judge says a person has performed an act of prostitution, murder, theft or adultery it is a conviction.  It comes with sentencing to be carried out, punishable by law if unmet.

We need to take our judgment of others that seriously.

With every authorized or unauthorized judgment comes an implicit conviction and silent sentencing.  There is an unvoiced curse, and unvoiced prayer for someone else’s change attached to every judgment passed.

They’re so negative!  If only they’d be more optimistic! If only they had a more positive outlook on life!

If only.

If only no one else was mean; No one stole; No one were stupid; No one was so hard on you; No one cheated; No one thought you were untrustworthy; No one was lazy; No one drank or did drugs; No one were so greedy… No one had the nerve to wrong you… If only.

If only what?

If every flip-floppin’ human being, kitten and puppy on Earth were perfect, then what?

Then.

Then there might be nothing to judge.  But is that really the issue?  How did the problem become someone else’s failure first? How can we ignore the fact that we are cursing, convicting, directing remotely negative energy against people we should be showing love to?

If only we stopped long enough to recognize how much we’re hurting ourselves and others when we judge, we might inch toward loving instead of judging.

When we direct the idea that someone else is wrong and should change outward, we should instead consider in that moment if no other, we are wrong and need to change.

But oh boy is that difficult.  No one wants to admit that when we think someone else is wrong, that means we are.  When we think someone else needs work, that means we do.  When we want someone else to change, we should.

If everyone else would just hurry up and be perfect, then we wouldn’t have to be.  Right?  That about sums up the spirit of judgment.

We aren’t challenged by perfection.  We don’t grow when things are perfect.  We become shallow, lazy and complacent when everything is always right.

It’s challenging to love a friend who hurt you.  To love a family member who doesn’t support you.  To love an enemy who curses you.  To love through imperfection, sickness, ugliness and pain.  There will always be people in the world who aren’t perfect.  Not only are they just as deserving of love… They probably need more of it.

If everyone would just hurry up and be perfect.

Well… If nothing else, admitting we need everything to be perfect, for us to be perfect… Is acknowledging our flaw.  That’s a step in the right direction.  At least then we’re admitting that we’re just not that good at loving yet.  I mean, we workin’ on it but it’s gonna take a minute.

That’s ok.

What if, instead of seeing someone’s faults, we saw them as love requests, and reminders to work on ourselves?  What if we saw them as opportunities to show off how well we love?

Instead of wishing folks would hurry up and be perfect so we can be lazy lovers, lets find a little more love where we missed it the first time around.

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The power of beauty

27 Feb

Yesterday I picked a daisy and was wildly pleased about it.  The daisy was beautiful.  Its petals were uneven and misshapen but it was perfect in its imperfection.  You know I actually teared up at the reminder of our perfectness, and wholeness just the way we are.

 

I love picking flowers: They’re one of nature’s simplest and most profound sources of beauty with purpose.  To perpetuate life.

I’ve always been fascinated by beauty: In nature, in people, in art, food, everything.  A lot of folks file aesthetic beauty under frivolous, along with happiness, fun, singing, and dancing.  I label that file power.

When there’s truth and substance behind it,   happiness is joy; fun celebrating; singing worship; dancing praise.  Sho nuff.

Beauty acts as the great bridge builder, opening hearts, eyes, ears, arms to truths folks didn’t realize they were ready to embrace.

How many sunsets have brought tears to someone’s eyes, and how many sunrises hope?

How many flowers have been plucked and scattered by thoughtful hands, propagating species?

How many men and women have changed the course of history because their handsomeness won them the right audience?

Now, that flower got me teared up because I saw how quickly one might dismiss it for the misshapen, odd-length petals.  My expectation was for beauty and my heart was tuned to the depth channel: That’s what I got.

The first danger in misunderstanding beauty is in undervaluing its power.

The second danger is in overvaluing beauty itself.

How many lies have been received because their delivery was so intoxicating?

How many messages have been missed because the messenger was repellant?

How many hands have gone empty grasping at the shadow of imagined perfection?

How much pain has been caused by the sparkling distraction of a jeweled hilt from the double-edged sword?

Beauty is a brilliant wonder we should take seriously, but keep second to a mind searching constantly for truth.

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Walking in your naturally gifted power

24 Feb

Everyone’s got a gift.  It’s like Christmas!

Maybe it’s dance, leadership, business management, singing, medicine, painting, cooking, nurturing, running, inspiring, or teaching.  And these ain’t the horrifyingly awkward gifts we give each other on holidays and birthdays and upon retirement…

You know, the ones that may or may not fit; might be insulting, offensive, or  appropriate; the ones folks are itching to exchange, return or repurpose.

Nope.  Our natural talents came from the same force behind the stars, the sun,  snowy mountains, oceans, waterfalls, and islands.  How awesome is that?

The same source of life gave you your gifts.  Science can’t explain Albert Einstein and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  and Celine Dion.  They’re just gifted.

And yes, believe it or not our gifts are perfect as they are. What’s tough is making sure we use them for the right purpose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As perfect as the snowy mountains and powerful ocean are, can’t nobody survive an avalanche or tsunami.  As perfectly lovely as the glow and radiance of the moon and sun are you couldn’t make them disappear if you tried.

Misusing our gifts is as short-sighted and dangerous as building an huge mansion on shifting sand.  Neglecting our gifts is as silly and wasteful as filling a rushing river with handfuls of dirt.

Our gifts aren’t supposed to be hidden.

But you know, life seems so much more complicated for us than it does for the birds who fly carefree from river to ocean to forest to mountain and back.

We’ve got goldfish who died and parents who never seemed impressed, or told us to be quiet, to stop.  People we cared about who made fun of us and stuff we needed we just couldn’t have.  Stuff we did that we just shouldn’t have.

We’ve got people to admire and judge ourselves against.  Measures of success in material wealth, bottle-popping, educational attainment, car type, career, accolades, family and spousal support that we haven’t achieved.

We have all these huge and challenging mountains to climb and no help in sight.

So how in the heck does all that support the fluffy realization that maybe a love for travel or sweets are purpose-filled gifts not indulgences?   That ingenious business leadership is a gift  instead of funding for one?  Talent in dance and music is more than a hobby?

Well, what if your travels took you to a village where your help saved someone’s life?  What if your cupcake brought a smile to the lips of a dying child?  What if your oodles of money funded fuel innovations that saved the planet?  What if your dance shows someone the meaning of true love?  What if your song opens their heart?

It starts with simply asking what we’d share more of if we stopped worrying about how people would receive it.

The wonders of the world don’t cower in shadow awaiting a lonely mountain climber.

Ain’t a human being alive who can judge you or your gifts.  They can offer feedback, they can help you grow, encourage you, yes.

Or could it be… What if you’re better than you believed you were?  How would you deal with the responsibility of greatness?

Do the crashing waves that etch away rock pause in wonder to revel in the evidence of their power?

Does the sun blaze brighter, self-destructively consumed by its own light?

I’m thinking no.  Absolutely not.

It’s unnatural to suspend wonders to contemplate the awesome weight of responsibility inherent in their being.

Stop worrying about it.  Stop thinking about it.  Stop planning for it.  Be about it.  Step up.  Live and walk with your gifts in power.

Press forward.

And if ever you falter remember:  This gift ain’t about you and it ain’t about other people.  Because not a person or thing on this Earth gave you that gift no matter how much they think otherwise.  So nothing on Earth can take it away.

Press forward.

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Know me by heart.

23 Feb

Someone I love deeply used the phrase, “know by heart” recently and my soul stirred.

That is truth.

We are lucky to see the power in loving each other for the best version of ourselves.  Loving someone for the most divine version of who they are is the hardest to do and best to achieve.

The idiom, know by heart springs from the idea that the heart is the origin of all feelings and store of all memories.  Having memorized something perfectly means it is known by heart.  And what does it mean to memorize, to remember?

Memory is an image or impression of one that is remembered, brought to mind, thought of again, recollected…  Brought back to the level of conscious awareness.  Reminding oneself of something temporarily forgotten.

Knowing by heart means you have brought something back to mind, back to the level of conscious awareness perfectly.

The force of the Most High, energy, life is all things, undying and unending.  So isn’t all love a memory rekindled?  That’s why true love feels like a joyous new memory for the heart: Familiar, new, profound and infinite all at once.

Know me by heart.

Love is a memory recollected.  Brought back to the level conscious awareness.  Conscious human awareness.

When we memorize perfectly… When we know perfectly, love perfectly, we know and love by heart.  We see past the mind, the ego, the body, the world and into one another’s heart.  In our hearts is where our humanity rests.

When we love from that place our relationships are unshakeable, all-powerful.

I am thankful for those in my life who know and love me by heart and grateful for those I’m able to honor in the same way.

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Video

A Capella Whitney Houston Tribute Medley

22 Feb

I work for a non-profit agency in Watts, CA: One of the most impoverished communities in the country. This morning I was humbly honored with the opportunity to sing for the senior citizen’s in one of our programs.

I asked whether it was appropriate to perform this medley, along with Strange Fruit and Lift Ev’ry Voice and Sing and they agreed.

It was sweet and inspiring to make some new friends, including Ms. Red a sassy young spirit who’s favorite color is red: She intimated she’s always wearing red, even if you can’t see it.  Forever young at heart.

 

Hope you enjoy.

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Five people-pleasing behaviors and what they really say about you.

21 Feb

It’s much easier to handle danger when you know it’s coming.  Warning signs, sirens, smoke and flames give you a chance to prepare and respond.  An ambush or Trojan horse catches you off guard.  We have guards for good reason.

When a negative person does something hurtful, the impact and the aftermath are different because all parties tend to be clear on what happened and their role in it.

Then there’s the people-pleaser.  Determined to make everyone happy even to their own detriment, they will create spun-sugar webs of confusion, selfishness and guilt so sweet and convoluted they can’t find themselves within it anymore.

What are you really saying when you:

1) Take on more than you can handle/Pretend everything is okay.  Example:  You love your kids sooooo much you just want to throw an incredible party and lavish them with time and money and fun. But it was too much and you didn’t have fun.  You begin to resent everyone you secretly hoped might jump in with their own people-pleasing spirit and save you.  Every man and woman is responsible for themselves.  We’re expected to know, on some basic levels, what we need and want and most important, how to communicate that when needed.

Not trusting yourself enough to believe in what you need says you can’t be trusted.  

2)  Allow others to be less than who they are/Avoid confrontation.  Example:  Instead of pointing out a mistake you correct something yourself.  Instead of addressing something hurtful you sweep it under the rug.    Part of being responsible for ourselves includes being responsible for the people we love, and shepherding our friendships with care.  The greatest part about love is understanding and accepting exactly who we are now, in the shadow of our most divine potential.  Avoiding confrontation is a lie of epic proportions: You’re already in a confrontation with yourself.

Refusing to address the issue with the other person says they don’t  matter enough for you to fight for their best. 

3) Refuse to end a relationship.  Example:  You’ve been with your love-nugget for years and at some point along the way fell out of love.  You feel so bad you can’t bring yourself  to say, “It’s over.”  That would hurt their feelings.  So, to protect their feelings you stay with them when you don’t want to.  Or say you need space and kind of trip around in I-don’t-want-to-be-here-but-can’t-leave land.  This doesn’t avoid hurting feelings.

Refusing to deal with the harder stuff multiplies hurt exponentially by saying you think it’s best to project your weakness onto the person you love.    

4) Insisting an ex remain in your life out of guilt.  Example:  You loved someone.  You really did.  But you never quite managed to show them.  There were other exes or lovers or midgets or mountains or time zones in the way.  Do you acknowledge your shortcomings, apologize for past hurts and move on?  Nope.  You decide it might work better if you can get back together with them or keep them around as a friend to make up for the pain you caused.

Keeping people in our lives for our sake belittles their needs and says I don’t love me or you enough to move on and set us free.  

5) Play savior.  Example: We love our brother so much we just know he can do better.  So every time he messes up we step in to clean up his mess.  He deserves it and aren’t I my brother’s keeper?   No matter how awesome your Superman or Wonderwoman costume may look, the reality is we simply can’t change anything in another person for them.  They have to do it.  We can and should live as examples.  We should support other’s strength and growth no matter how difficult.  But we can’t learn for someone else.  We can’t change for someone else.  

Trying to save another person says we don’t believe they have it in them to do better.  

Being a good person and caring selflessly for another has to come from a place of deeply rooted self-love and wholeness.

Expecting different says you’ve underestimated your own and other’s ability to love. 

People-pleasing says I don’t love me enough to know how to love you properly.

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Why it’s good to be wrong

20 Feb

I’m a pretty cool chick.  I love fiercely and deeply, and am a happy camper who knows how to have fun, and is often found in situations where my leadership matters.

Yet I was more than two decades into the game before I realized how much I like being wrong.

Realizing you’re wrong gives you the chance to figure out why.  And how to fix it.  Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes not.

When we’ve got self-work to do one of our most retarded natural responses is a strangling feeling of vulnerability and weakness.  This is usually brought on by pride, ’cause we know we’re wrong.

Unfortunately that’s when we most need to be open to correction.  Open to hearing stuff that ain’t pretty about ourselves.

Let’s learn to love being wrong and listen carefully to constructive criticism:  See what’s helpful, cast away what isn’t and get back to work righting wrongs.

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Choose Love

17 Feb

You’ve probably heard the sad tales of ridiculous superhuman standards and the multitudes of single humans wookin’ pa nub in all the wrong places because of them.  And for the record, I abhor this tendency and am quite aware that even those of us who think we’re looking for the right things, sometimes aren’t.  I even had to adjust my standards to find the dreamy, god-fearing man I’m with.

But today, we’ve got to recognize there is a huge difference between resetting dating criteria and recognizing your value.  Your sense of self-love should block you from settling for anything less than goodness and honor like a cement wall lined with flashing red lights and danger signs.

There is absolutely no reason some fool (man or woman) with a gajillion, fafillion dollars, round backside or sculpted arms, and devilish charm should get away with treating you like anything less than the king or queen you are.

And if they can, guess what?

You, are not ready to be looking for someone to date.

You are still alive, still looking to improve yourself and therefore still worthy of the best life has to offer.  But if you keep ordering chicken wangs at a five-star french restaurant that’s all you’re going to get.

Everyone in your life is someone you choose to put there.  Your family, friends, coworkers, life partner: Everyone.  And you need to know, and always remember that they should value and honor you: And receive the same in return.

That means urrrrbody is really really nice to you.

They listen.  They do what they say they will.  They’re there for you when  things are tough.  They celebrate your accomplishments.  They respect you.  They like spending time with you.  They like you.  They love you.

That should be the norm.

To be worth our time, a romantic relationship should be the most intimate relationship we have outside of the spiritual realm.  It has to be extraordinary.  It has to be far beyond normal, able to stretch and challenge and empower your growth.  Would you trust a God that couldn’t do anything for you but be nice?  I mean, that’s ok but I’ve seen the mountains, the galaxy, the clouds, the oceans… Just nice ain’t enough.

Which also means it’s the bare minimum, ground zero for any romantic relationship.  What’s scary is, when folks have let the seeds of self-doubt, grow into the insidious crawler of self-loathing… Lots of things get a pass.

A person whose words and actions don’t line up, but apologizes really well is given a pass.  A person who knows how to date well, or make you swoon but doesn’t awaken your spirit gets a pass.  A person who’s great company but doesn’t inspire any greatness in you is given a pass.  A person who does everything right but just isn’t ready to commit yet… Passes.

You deserve more.  You are more.

But as long as you’ve got chicken wangs in your mouth there’s no room for lobster thermidor.  As long as you’re filling critical roles in your life with the wrong people, you’ll never be able to get what you need from them at the most critical time.

You have to want more.  And to realize that maybe, just maybe if you don’t want more… If you think it’s enough to have a piece of a person, the bare minimum of human interaction…

Maybe it’s time to ask why.

Why shouldn’t you get the fairy tale?  Why shouldn’t you have the best of everything an amazing person has to offer you?  Why aren’t you meeting the man or woman of your dreams?

It’s because there’s a lot more work you have to do on yourself first.  Things that are familiar and more easily attainable are usually not the best things for us.

At some point in that five-star restaurant, with the French menu that lists chicken wangs in English… You’ve got to wake up and realize you ordered your dish because you didn’t know what everything else was, and how good it might be.

That’s not a choice.

Love is.

 

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Three tips to I.D. a bad-mouther… Fast.

16 Feb

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW wrote a great article about the benefits of speaking kindly of your ex with tips on how to do so.

(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ashley-davis-bush/zip-your-lips-resisting-t_b_1253582.html)

I completely agree with her article, which closed:

“Remember that when you badmouth your ex you keep your energy hooked to that old, negative relationship. Instead, keep the flashlight of your attention on new growth, new patterns, and the new life waiting for you.”

Her piece got me thinking… Ya know, the real trick is to avoid folks who warrant badmouthing in the first place.

As I skimmed some of the recent comments one stood out and summed up my thoughts on folks who badmouth others, who tend to tempt folks to badmouth them:

“Badmouther­s are badmouther­s.
Badmouther­s do what badmouther­s do…

…What I suggest is that if you are dating someone, considerin­g marriage, and you hear them badmouth others realize then that if you get married you can expect that at some point in the marriage you will become the subject of badmouthin­g.”

Time to zoom in focus on two little words in the comment:

“Realize then.”

Most of us would be punchy pleased to have people in our lives who only speak highly of others and us.  Our pleasure isn’t how we form our friendships: Our spirit should be.

If your spirit is in the right place, you’ll choose folks of like spirit.

Honestly though, not everyone (myself included) is able to discern the spirit of a person upon introduction… Yet.  I’m workin’ on it.

But you can’t just shut people out either.  So what can you do to figure out early whether someone might have the dangerous character flaw of speaking poorly of you and others?

1. Be picky.

You could have all the tips in the world under your belt but the reality is, if you don’t have the time or space within the clutter of your relationships to apply them, it won’t matter.  Don’t make yourself, your time, your heart available to just anyone.  When you spend intimate time with too many different people it spreads you thin and clutters your spirit.

If someone isn’t adding something extraordinary to your life, they are detracting something extraordinary from it: You.

When you’re spending time with people who shouldn’t be in your life it takes away from time for yourself and for nurturing relationships with people who should remain in your life.  A constant truth of any relationship is learning.  Most of us think carefully about our education and the courses we choose to take, advancing toward our goal.  Why would you commit to studying someone who wasn’t worth it?

We are magnetically attracted to people we are meant to interact with, even if their purpose is only to repel us toward someone we’re meant to be closer to.  If you don’t feel a powerfully magnetic attraction to someone’s spirit don’t bother making yourself available to them.

2. Pay attention.

Yes.  Once you hear someone badmouth anyone or thing, that will likely come around to you.  There are other subtleties to look for.  Learn to live with a self-awareness and mastery so keen you are unshakable.   From that place, looks, wealth, charm, intelligence, athleticism, talent are no longer distractions from the reality of a person’s character and spirit.  Notice a person’s focus, movements, reactions, expectations, speech, opinions, values and emotions.  Recognize your natural response and continue learning about them.  Eventually you’ll recognize patterns and if enough of them are matched with a negative response, that person should get less of your time.  This can alert you to a mismatch far earlier than the obvious signs, which our tricky pals can sometimes mask for a loooooong time.

3.  Ask questions.

I like to cut to the chase.  Certain answers will tell you all you need to know about a person.  Ask questions that help reveal a person’s character and be prepared to receive an honest response.

What are your closest friends like? Insert cliche about how important our closest relationships are here.  There’s a reason it’s true:  We naturally distance ourselves from things that war with our sense of self: There’s too much conflict to sustain comfortably.  We naturally gravitate toward things like us.

How did your last relationship end? Of course this is a touchy subject… For people who haven’t really moved on.  If they are able to respond to this question candidly and comfortably without speaking poorly of their ex that’s a good sign.

What do you admire and value most in others?  The answer will line up neatly with what they aspire to.  If they’re impressed by people who don’t care what anyone else thinks, and say or do whatever they want… There’s a good chance they’ll act this out during a time of crisis.

What are you like when you get upset?  When we are in crisis, upset, afraid, etc. our representatives disappear and the truest version of ourselves comes to light.  There’s no need to wait until you’ve eaten the last cupcake to find out they’re a dish-thrower.  If someone explains they become anything other than calm and focused in crisis, there’s a good chance they come unhinged.  That creates a breeding ground for hurtful behaviors, badmouthing included.

It’s wise to approach each relationship with the intent to learn first.

By starting out with the right person there’s less cleanup to do when the wrong folks move on and away.

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