Archive | July, 2012

The Substance of Style: Shopping tips

31 Jul

Style matters.  It’s another way to communicate.
Don’t believe me?
Think about the most ridiculous outfit you’ve ever seen.  Imagine the POTUS wearing it while delivering the State of the Union address.
Style communicates.  Style matters.
We owe it to ourselves to demonstrate care and concern for how we express ourselves.
It’s not easy to develop a sense of style, and unfortunately fashion trial-and-error is pretty tricky.  These handy posts will help you identify pitfalls and prepare for style glory, all in wondrous privacy:
Today we tackle shopping, which should be fun, not torture.
GENERAL SHOPPING TIPS:
First, before you go…

  • Let go of your expectations.  You’re looking for clothes, not your long lost brother.  Nothing you do or don’t find will make your day, event, interview, date, appearance etc., any better or worse.
  • Don’t shop for an occasion. That’s like grocery shopping when you’re hungry.  If you must, first figure out what you already have that works  and get excited about that.  Then, go shopping.  Give yourself time, and be okay with not finding what you want.
  • Let go of your size worries.  Fashion is a global market, and true sizes change with seasons, stores, designers, and type of garment.  If you have body image problems that’s a self-love issue.  Money can’t buy you love.  Clothing should fit.  Period.  If you squeeze a size two body into toddler jeans it will look bad.  Get over it.
  • Don’t invite your spouse unless you’re buying lingerie or swimsuits.
  • Don’t shop with anyone unless they’re patient, have a good sense of style, and are brutally honest.
  • Don’t shop if you ain’t ready to spend.  Know what you can afford and set your budget before you leave.  Window shop only as research for something expensive.
  • Wear an outfit easy to remove and undergarments easy to wear with what you might try on.
  • Develop and maintain a sense of what’s comfortable and complements your figure as it is.  If you’re not sure, experiment with different shapes.  See how it looks and feels when clothing fits your waist/hips/neck/arms/bust/legs/height differently and take note of what’s best.

In the store…

  • Hold your hand against a garment to make sure it looks great against your skin.
  • Grab everything you like or that catches your attention, in whatever size you think will fit.
  • If you’re not sure whether it’s your size grab more than one.
  • Try on types of clothing, not outfits (tops only, then dresses, pants, etc.)
  • Do not fight to put on a piece of clothing.
  • Sort as you try on clothes: Yes, Maybe and No.
DECIDING WHAT’S BEST: For the yes and maybe piles, answer these questions.
  • Does it look good?
  • Does it fit right? (Check for snugness and length when sitting and bending over; length of cuffs and hemline, gathering or puckering in weird places.)
  • Would I take care of it?

Um.  If the answers to those first questions are no, it should be in the no pile.  You no buy.

  • Is this awesome?
  • Do I already have something like this?
  • When would I wear this?
  • What would I wear this with?

If the answers to the last few questions are resoundingly wishy-washy it’s a maybe.  

DECIDING WHAT TO BUY: Once you’ve tried on everything, look at your yes pile and add up the cost and tax.  If it’s not affordable, whittle down until it is.   If it is affordable, consider the maybe’s, whittling down until within budget.

If ever you’re not 150% certain about buying, leave it.  For a week or two.  If you still feel unsure, forget it.

By the by, affordable is different for everyone.  For me, if it costs more than $15 it deserves a serious re-thinking.

Most of my clothing, formal wear included, costs between $10 and $20:

$10 dress. I have four.

$15 floor length dress.

Jacket-Gift, $10 red dress, scarf as belt-Gift, earrings-gift.

Dress, $15. Wraps (I’m wearing a white one and a tan one) 3 for $12. Earrings $2. P.O.G. Priceless.

$10 sweater as a beach cover-up. $10 hat.

$12 dress, $15 cowboy hat… From CVS.

 

$15 dress

Special tips for shopping in the Garment District, at Festivals, and at Inexpensive boutiques:

1- Do NOT stick to the most well-known shopping streets.  They’re more expensive and don’t necessarily carry the best stuff.  Vendors will typically have clothing, footwear, jewelry, handbags, and other accessories.
2- Circle before you actually shop.  Many of vendors carry similar items for different prices, so wander until you feel you’ve hit the least expensive one.
3-Don’t buy in the first store you visit, you can go back.
4- Carry cash (So you can…)
5- BARGAIN: These folks will reduce listed prices by up to 40%.  Ask them whether they’ll cut down the price if you buy more than one item, or (my favorite) pretend you don’t have enough cash on you to pay for the item.  Conveniently, you should pretend you only have the exact amount you’d like to pay.  Walk out when you want to close the deal and they’ll usually stop you and acquiesce.
6- Wear comfortable shoes.
7- Go early to avoid crowds and depleted stock.
HAVE FUN!!!

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The substance of style: Wardrobe basics

30 Jul

I worked at a clothing store during my multiple-job phase in college, and am glad I can look back fondly on those (ahem) unique work moments and lessons.

Por ejemplo.

Work moment: Greeting folks with a cheerful, excited grin led to apologies from confused customers.

Lesson: Genuine joy in shopping malls is completely disarming.

Work moment:  Towering high heels.

Lesson: Hurt feet.

Work moment:  Successfully negotiated my first salary increase as a counteroffer to a promotion that would have actually lowered my take-home pay.

Lesson:  Know your worth.

It was fun, and because I cared less about selling and more about people and style, I was darn good at it.

My favorite story is about a kind, older woman who came in with two multicolored printed skirts, asking me to find one shirt to match them both.  Hot mess.    One skirt was black, yellow, blue, and green or some such craziness.  I think the other was brown, red, orange, and purple.  Initially I thought she was some kind of quality control mole.  Then I got the sense she didn’t really want one shirt.  She really just wanted to be done shopping because all things clothing and style were wildly frustrating.

I patiently and lovingly worked with her until after the store closed, hushing my coworkers, who were as annoyed with this woman’s shopping as she was when she entered the store.  She spent quite a bit and left the store overjoyed, with a new wardrobe.

So here’s the free, e-version of how to build a solid wardrobe.  In the spirit of substantive style, that means a collection of clothing that allows the wearer to feel prepared to face life everyday, looking good: Healthy, well-groomed, appropriate, intentional, comfortable, and expressively, uniquely, you.  We continue the style series today with the wardrobe checklist.

Mind you, this checklist is a guide, not a straitjacket.  Whatever you choose should be flattering, and  expressive of your unique self.  And, shopping tips will be the next post in this series.  Shopping can actually be fun.

Above all, everything in your wardrobe should make you look good.  It helps to choose items that are versatile, meaning you could wear it more than once, and differently.

  • Coats: Formal- The kind you might wear over a suit.  Informal- Anything warm and fun.
  • Dresses: Formal- Whatever says “I’m going to the ball.”  All about you.  Informal- Whatever says “I feel pretty.”

    An “I feel pretty” dress

  • Suit: Find one you’re comfortable wearing, that looks good on you.  Buy it.

Pantsuit and top with a ribbon belt.

  • Slacks: These are not jeans.  They are not stretch pants.
  • Jeans: These should fit you, and be comfortable.
  • Shorts: These should also fit you, and be comfortable.  You should have at least one pair you could wear to a family-friendly event.
  • Blouses:  A blouse is a nicer version of a top.  It’s usually looser and slightly more formal.
  • Tops: Casual shirts that look nice on you without making babies ogle your chest.  A wrap will handily rid you of that fashion casualty.

Satin top. And beret. Finger snap.

  • Purses:  Whatever size and style you need, that will match other stuff you wear.  If you don’t need one, more power to you.  Don’t ask your friend for lotion/chapstick/gum/etc., or to carry yours.
  • Shoes: Formal- Heels or no, a dressy shoe is a necessity.

  • Tennis shoes- Even if you think you won’t work out.  You’ll need them.  Own one pair.  Just one.  Casual- Not tennis shoes.  Not dressy.  Not flip-flops.
  • Slip:  Any dress made of thin, floaty material needs one underneath.  Showing your underparts is not a good look.
  • Brassieres:  Strapless- If this isn’t comfortable, dresses without straps shouldn’t be either.  Your choice.  Light and dark- The idea for your underclothes is that 90% of the time, they are underneath clothes.  And not seen.  Have choices and wear whichever color is less visible, be it white, tan, black, whatever.
  • Swimsuit- The time is now.  The perfect weight and perfect tan is now.  Don’t make excuses for not enjoying the ocean, sun, pool.  Find something, a skirted one-piece, pinup bikini, whatever and make sure you look good in it.  And make sure it isn’t see-through or baggy when wet.
  • Pajamas: Remember when we were little and slumber parties meant you literally put on cool pajamas and ate popcorn and played games with your friends?  Those are the kind of pajamas you should own as an adult.  At some point in your life you will be around another adult who isn’t your spouse and appropriate sleepwear will be warranted.
  • Fitness gear: Again, if you think you won’t workout think again.  Just because you’re getting sweaty doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wear the right workout support, pants, shirt, socks, shoes… That match and aren’t stained or full of holes.
  • Skirts:  Long- Not three fingers above your knees long.  Sit cross-legged on the floor without showing anything long.  Ankles.  Medium- Below the knees but not ankle-grazing.

Long skirt.

  • Short- Whatever allows you to still look good and be comfortable.
  • Accessories: Wraps, jewelry, headbands, barrettes, hats etc. are all extra-fun ways to express yourself.  Be bold and daring.  Use big colors, sparkles, and fun.

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Daily reminders to keep you centered

27 Jul

Over the years, I’ve found the biggest challenges and personal rewards come not from what I do, but how I do it.  Certain reminders keep me centered and able to navigate the best and worst from the right perspective.

You know, the profoundly lovely, simple reminders that somehow escape you when life seems to have morphed into a fear factor gauntlet.

Walk in the power of your identity.

Um.. It helps to know your identity before you go struttin’.  In the event you’re not sure, write that out too.  What are your gifts and talents and how do they fit into your identity?  What’s your purpose?  (Yep, write that out also.)  Certainly, you’re someone’s child and grandchild, friend, spouse, parent, leader or peer.

Wouldn’t it be alarming if the POTUS heard crazy good (or bad) news and responded like he wasn’t a husband, father, son, grandson, and leader of the free world?  Yeah.  Bad news bears.  Strengthen your actions by always asking before you act, “What is my identity?”  Then act from the best version of you.

Spread honor and truth.

Honoring others is treating them like the best version of themselves, and in doing that we honor ourselves too.  Bad treatment isn’t always obviously violent.   Sometimes its not greeting someone, not sharing with them, not showing you give a flying hoot who they are and what’s going on in their life.  Rising above shallow interaction to look for and understand the truth as it is, not as it’s presented will change your life.  But first, you’ve got to also only offer deep interaction, and real truth.

Order steps, ignore distractions.

I’m so not an american (or other) football fan.  But for whatever reason, when distraction takes over, I think:  The quarterback doesn’t stop to tackle every opponent.  No game would ever be won that way.  You’ve got to power your way through, especially past distractions, to the end goal.  The game has a structure, order.  If the players just wandered out there and made up their own rules on the spot, football would look a lot more like sandbox play.  

Don’t trust bad reports.

Sadly, a lot of us have been conditioned to believe in the power of numbers.  The more people agree with us, support us, say the same thing etc.,  the more right something ought to be.  Well.  Ya know how many scenarios that allows where you, are outnumbered?  You can’t go through life believing in the disbelievers and disqualifiers.  At some point, if you and the authority you report to are on the same page, you gotta know and trust in that… Even when, especially when the majority says otherwise.

Understand and be understood.

Instead of listening as a debater, or persuading to do what you want, just figure out what the heck is going on with someone else first.  I mean, it’s helpful to know if someone I’m asking to operate heavy machinery was up all night and can’t wait to get home.  No judgment.  Safety and such.  Likewise, don’t spew words at someone.  Speak to them where they are, and make sure what you hat meant to say, was what they hat understood.  Often two very different things.

Do what you know to do.

Congratulations!  Every second of your life, you have everything, and I mean everything, you will ever have or need to deal with that moment.  It’s one of those fancy little truths we forget when we feel inadequate, unprepared or ill-equipped.  If you truly needed something, it would be in hand.  If not, it’s clearly out of your control so quit worrying and use the resources you do have.  Can you imagine how silly you’d look with all the wisdom, manpower and money in the world, like… “Eh, I’ll get started when the weather’s perfect.”  Folks are waiting on you.  Use what you have.

Seek help. Build Leadership.

If there’s something you don’t have, ask for help.  Don’t then tear down the source of the help with the same perfectionist attitude that said you don’t have or can’t do what’s needed.  No suh massa.

Okay, relevant sidebar:

I sing and what-not, and  was working with an amazing visionary who knew exactly what they wanted… But wouldn’t tell me.  They insisted on using the, “I’ll let God lead you there approach.”  Which in this case, was wildly ineffective.  He put them there to lead and I was ready to follow.  Why this visionary leader wouldn’t walk in their identity, confused the bejeebers outta me.  

I gave it my all repeatedly, with increasingly disappointing critiques.  After tons of trial and error reinforced the fact that there was a specific expectation that needed to be shared, I pressed hard for direction.  

“Please, just tell me what you see, so I have some parameters to work with.”  

“Nope,” they said, clearly pleased to be presenting such a challenge.

Determined to find a way through, I thought about what I’d gathered from the trials and tried to sum up what they wanted while they shook their head in disagreement.  

Undeterred I pressed, “I think you want me to do this and this, and improvise creatively.”

With a final exasperated shake of the head, they insisted, “No.”

Then, with what seemed to be an epiphany in hand, the visionary looked at me and said with great sympathy, “You’ve never had freedom like this have you?”  

With a sigh, I thought to myself, “No.  No suh, massa I ain’t neva seed the freedom like this suh.”  

I proceeded to execute what I’d guessed they wanted and they loved it.  

“How did that feel?  That kind of freedom is scary, huh?”

Yes.  Yes it was.  Scary.

Alright I’m back.

That exchange highlighted a nuance of great leadership that is still hardest to grasp for me:

Discernment.

We’ve got to lead not only with love but also from a place of discernment: figuring out what is best for a given moment.  Sometimes more direction is called for, other times less.  Sometimes group discussion and decision making is needed, others not.

When we are constantly trying to build up leadership, we strengthen our relationships and truly reinforce our own power.

My encouragement is to find reminders that keep you centered in your daily life.

What you do, as a living human with limitless potential depends on it, as do the rest of us.

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Aside

Signs of a Super-warrior

26 Jul

Image

I’m pretty sure when you look at Mr. Yoked-out Olympian angry man of the year above you think, “Now THAT’S a fighter.”  You wouldn’t want to tangle with him in a dark alley.  He looks like he leads a very disciplined, serious life where he’s constantly preparing for, engaged in, or recovering from battle.  This beefed-up warrior dude looks like he could take on, like, fifty really angry beefed-up warrior dudes with knives and lassos and stuff…

And win.

This guy looks like he’d break a limb with a finger-flick.

Like, he’d be someone’s bulky secret weapon.

Picture a kung-fu movie scene, where some king of olden days listens to an enemy’s haughty messenger of war (backed up by the ever-subtle chanting of thousands of soldiers at the kingdom gates.)  The king waits until the enemy’s messenger finishes and eyes him dismissively, then waves a graceful hand at a servant and says, “So it is.  Summon Brutus.”  The drums kick in.

Brutus, of course, is angry warrior man above.  You know the battle scene to follow.  Brutus types scare the crap outta most folks.

But there are even badder warriors than Brutus out there, who look nothing like him or anyone who might overcome him.  Part of their power is that you’d never suspect it.

Here’s how that scene would go with a super-warrior:

They’d walk into the room and look upon the king.  The king would keep his eyes locked on theirs, and ask the room to clear.  End Scene.  The next scene would show the enemy king asking the messenger in a screaming fury, who the mystery person was.  Then he’d order his army after them.  And somehow, they’d end up circling back to attack him with the super-warrior.

That’s a super-warrior.  Instead of scaring you, they somehow inspire you… To join ranks and fight the real enemy.  You might find yourself looking around like, when did I sign up for this and how did I get here?  Wait.  Focus!  Charge ahead!

Now, for the useful tidbits.  How would you know you’re facing a super-warrior and how do you deal with them?  More importantly, what the heck is this super-warrior so charged up about?
Super-warrior giveaways:

Twinkling eyes.  Broad smile.  Radical love.  Open arms.  You often are taken aback by a super-warrior’s gaze, thinking you must know them.  Usually this is because there’s something penetrating, understanding and timeless in their eyes, matched with the caring love of a smile usually reserved for anyone else.  Super-warriors confound the heck out of folks by loving problems away, by demonstrating the kind of strength in spirit that makes you ask, “How in the world…”  Super-warriors fight not by violence, and dealing death blows, but by healing and embracing humanity.

How you deal with a super-warrior:

In truth.  Honor.  Love.  Kindness.  Super-warriors don’t take lightly to the current phenomenon of laughing it off, pretending it’s okay, or half truths.  They aren’t so keen on seeing folks treated like they’re not super-warriors as well. Hatred and injustice is definitely fire-starter.  Basically uh… You want to be on their side.

What compels a super-warrior:

Life.  Not the random, silly, devil-may-care kind of carefree drunken spiral through empty fun, meaningless pursuits and purposeless relationships.  The real, raw, meaningful, purpose-filled, infinitely joyous embrace of deep, strong bonds in a risky, worthy walk of love.

It’s easy to respond to the chaos and destruction in life with more chaos and destruction.  What’s not, is responding with love, kindness, genuine concern, and true joy.

This is why, I think Super-warriors look a lot less like Mr. Yoked-out Olympian angry man of the year above and a lot more like this.

BEWARE: Super-Warrior in training.

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A little story…

25 Jul

Once upon a time, long ago, in a land far, far away there lived a young man, with a wildly adorable cocker spaniel puppy.  He woke up one morning, swung his feet over the bed and saw a red stain on his floor.  ”What in the world?” He thought.

Tired of cleaning up puppy mess, he dutifully scrubbed the spot clean, but the stain just wouldn’t go.  After some real serious thinking, he covered it with a rug.

Wouldn’t you know, the next week he found yet another spot, on the rug.  Frustrating as all get-out.  He cleaned the rug, but the darned stain still would not come out.

He threw away the rug, and bought a red-colored rug to mask the stain.  ”Brilliant,” he thought, “Now I’ll never have to worry about that pesky stain again.”

Weeks passed, and the man no longer saw the stain.  One morning, he woke up and smelled something foul.  He searched for the source and couldn’t find it.

The puppy came into the room at that moment and began scratching at the rug, then scratching at the man’s slipper and whimpering.  He looked up at the man with his puppy dog eyes and the man, annoyed, carried him out of the room and shut the door.

Then he had an epiphany.

“I’ll buy seven rugs, and keep track of which ones are dirty and clean so there’s never a stinky rug again!”

Pleased with himself, he put his plan into action.

Months passed and his bedroom was stain and stench-free.  Then one morning he noticed the tip of his favorite pair of fluffy slippers was red.

And stinky.

“Oh HECKY no!” He bellowed.  He grabbed his puppy, took off the slipper and shoved the filthy shoe in the puppy’s cute little face.  The puppy licked the man’s nose.  Fed up, the man put the puppy down and sat with one bare and one slippered foot, his head in his hands, fuming.

All of a sudden he felt an achy, itchy feeling on his foot.  He looked down to see his puppy staring up at him, pawing his foot, which was bleeding.

Stunned, the man inspected his foot to see he had an open sore on his toe that was becoming infected.

He cleaned the sore and went to the doctor to figure out what was going on.  After running tests, the doctor explained that he had an ulcer on his foot, caused by early-onset diabetes… Caused by years of eating like he was about to die of starvation and the only available sustenance was doughnuts and fried or starchy food.

The doctor explained the sore would heal with proper care but until the man regulated his eating, his health would continue to cause him problems.

The man went home, treated the ulcer, and turned his diet and life around completely.

Years passed.

He sat in his bedroom reading.  His beautiful wife of four years and one-year old daughter sat on the floor in the bedroom, playing with the cocker spaniel, who kept sniffing at and licking the floor.  His wife looked to her husband, concerned.

“Honey?  What’s wrong with him?”

The man looked at the faded red spot the dog was sniffing at and smiled wistfully.

“He’s remembering how he saved my life, sweetheart.”

We can’t afford to constantly mask symptoms of a problem instead of searching out the root.  Ignoring the source of the issue puts lives at risk.

The topic of the day, brought into focus because of the recent tragedy in Colorado, is guns.  People everywhere want answers and fall into one of two camps: We need more guns, so we can protect ourselves, or we need more gun control so the government can protect us.

Gun violence is the stain in America’s hardwood floor.  Gun control laws, more guns are cleansers and extra rugs.  The 2nd amendment is the stained slipper.  In this case, the root health problem is fear.

Our nation was founded in flight and fear.  There’s only one cure for that.  Thankfully, as long as we’re alive our prognosis is good.

What is the root of this problem?

The root is not how the young student ended up with firearms.

It’s not American weapons manufacturing and industry.

It’s not 2nd amendment constitutional rights.

It’s not about who the constitution was written for, which was people who were neither negro nor female.

It isn’t about our founding fathers decimating the indigenous people of this country.

It isn’t about building violence and war into the fabric of a country.

It isn’t about the fear that drove our founding fathers out of their homeland.

This is about something much greater than steel, ammunition and politics.

It’s about life.

Who governs yours?  What power do they wield?  If it ain’t the power to turn a human’s heart from evil to good, careful what you expect.

At best, our fellow men with all good intentions, will have fantastic floor cleaners and a wide variety of rugs, slippers, band-aids and insulin.

There’s only one source of true healing.  Focus on Him, and everything else falls into place.

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Colorado

20 Jul

The world is reeling with the news of a violent tragedy that shook Aurora Colorado and reverberated throughout the nation and beyond.  We must uplift and pray for increased protection against the growing inner violence and turmoil caused by such an outward expression of chaos.

We can not know their suffering.

We will continue to repeat terrible mistakes until the lesson is learned, that violence does not bring peace.  We know far too many lives are lost to firearms.

At some point, we must also understand an individual in pain with access to a gun is not the root of the problem.

President Eisenhower issued a powerful warning on the impacts of creating a very expensive military industry… 50 years ago.

While we manufacture weapons to wage war on other nations and struggle to maintain that high-cost business, how violently do we oppose the wars within our own borders?

Or do we struggle angrily in apparent peace while we allow the sinister games of lobbyists, campaign support, war, industry, and separation of church and state to play dangerously at citizen’s expense?

Do we wrestle fiercely in deceptive stillness as politics that mask an insidiously seething hatred of those who weigh down the country with poverty, mental illness, physical sickness, and age… Wash around us like a flood while we tread water for our dear lives?

“Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit. You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him.” -Martin Luther King Jr.

There is no simple solution that combines policy, advocacy, elected officials, and research that will eliminate the problem of violence.

It’s complex, far-reaching and beyond the scope of what we humans can do to fix problems in our lives: For a lengthy, albeit in-depth look at the broad range of issues behind the guns in the homes of the majority of Americans, take the time to read.

So what’s the solution?  It’s definitely not some angry, bible-thumping, judgmental, gun-toting religion.

“It’s all about faith.” -Ebenezer Quaye

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Breakthrough: Recognizing the tempting distraction of struggling to make things work

17 Jul

Last night I dreamed I was babysitting an adorable little girl in a grassy park at sunset.  We were coloring, singing and having a good old time playing together.  As time wore on, I became wary of letting her run around because the park grew full of unsavory characters as darkness approached.

Partly to protect the little girl, and partly for the fun of it, I lifted her onto my shoulders and we continued bopping around.  I carefully supported her back as we frolicked.

Suddenly I felt her body go limp.  Her featherweight arm fell into my right hand.  Alarmed, I gently lowered her from my shoulders and her big brown eyes eased open.  She yawned, exhausted.  Her button nose needed attention pretty desperately.  As I went about cleaning her beautiful face she sat peacefully, slightly pursing her lips and lifting her chin to make the job easier.  She was clearly pleased about her helpfulness.

In the middle of tending to this sleepy, cute little lady my alarm blared, waking up the sleepy, cute little lady from her dreams.

Every one of us has an inner core of innocence, joy, peace and love that we must heal, care for, savagely protect and diligently maintain.

Every one of us is supported by the source of immeasurable, infinite strength, energy and power.

Every one of us is here, alive because we have a purpose to carry out in a place on Earth.

If we find ourselves in the wrong place and allow that power to enable the neglect of our innermost self we do ourselves an immense disservice.  We have to be aware of how and why we wield His power and strength.

We shouldn’t use it when we’re somewhere we shouldn’t be, have drained ourselves, and need supernatural support to push through the obstacles we created through our own efforts.  We should allow that higher source to dictate and order our efforts, so we can tend to our responsibilities, including shepherding our inner core.

When we struggle forward in our own strength we open a dangerous door to allow the temptation of distraction in.

Tempting distractions aren’t always fun stuff like movies, friends, or frivolity.

For many of us tempting distractions are struggle, illness, exhaustion, or being spread too thin.

It’s an abuse of faith to entrust our responsibilities to Him so we can overlook our own needs, for some supposedly worthy reason.  We are His vessels.  We can’t fail to care properly for His tools and then pray for a miracle to correct the brokenness.

Struggling for the wrong reasons will make us exhausted and unable to function fully.

At that point, we have to spend time and energy cleaning up after ourselves and recuperating, when that time could be focused on running full out toward our purpose.

Praying for power and strength as a super-fuel for a misaligned effort or a salve for self-inflicted wounds introduces resistance and rot where there should be love and healing.

What would we achieve if we would seek Him for alignment and healing so we could charge ahead together, instead of asking Him to carry us or drag us back to center?

It is our responsibility to make the time, take the steps to make sure we are physically, mentally, spiritually able to do what we were awakened to do.

In the dream, I responded to the environmental threat by protecting the little girl in a way that actually made it harder for me to see her and tend to her needs.  When she became exhausted and snot-nosed I couldn’t see it.  I could have chosen to leave the park and find someplace she could roam free, and lie down to rest instead of falling out.  Instead, I tried to make it work.  

A breakthrough is never easy. That’s a pass-through.

It won’t always be easy.

It helps to remember that when you’re in a space that threatens your alignment and impairs your ability to focus completely on your charge…  It is more wise to leave that space, seek alignment and focus than to struggle within it and fall prey to the distracting wake of misalignment, and lack of focus.

Don’t rob your purpose of energy and focus by constantly testing your capacity to bounce back.

We can’t afford to become dead weight on the team.

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The substance of style: Clothing etiquette

16 Jul

Talking about looking good, meaning: Healthy, well-groomed, appropriate, intentional, comfortable, and expressively, uniquely, you continues today with more encouragement and some helpful guidelines.

I’d like to think like all art, fashion is one that isn’t always about convention or rules.  That said, some things work and others just don’t.

Here are some rules to follow when it comes to fashion, and why:

No apathy:  Who says, “Well no one’s going to see me anyway, why worry about what I have on?”  You will see you.  Skipping showers isn’t healthy, nor is refusing to think about what you wear.  Plus, fashion is like a wearable toy.  You can play with the texture of the fabric, the flash of jewelry, the curl of hair, sheen of a wrap.

For my 30th birthday party, I chose a dress that was comfortable to dance in, and would look stunning through the night: A wrinkle-proof metallic fabric, with lots of fun design detail… Like pockets!

Speaking of toys, I have to be careful wearing certain shoes lest I stare down at my feet, distracted.  Anyway.  No need to overdress all the time.  But certainly don’t make the mistake of devaluing yourself in the process.  Fashion and style is a very healthy celebration of you.  Why bother grooming and caring for your body and spirit if you’re going to clothe yourself in garments of anything other than love?

No knees on stage:  I began singing at an early age and my dear friend and longtime choir conductor told me to wear something onstage that didn’t show my knees.  It maketh the sense:  Stages are typically at or above eye level, which means the odds of you showing more than a knee cap are pretty high.  No wonder the advice stuck.

I first wore this dress during a high school performance: No knees on stage.

Yes, a lot of pop stars currently perform in their underwear.  The rule stands.

Audience:  Most of us don’t just talk to anyone we see without a basic attempt to know who we’re addressing.  Why? Because it’s impossible to communicate with a void.  Fashion is an expression.  Consider not only what you are saying in what you wear, but also who you’re expressing it to, and how they might receive it.

Wearing a mini-dress with skirt, flat loafers and layered wraps for a casual workday into evening dinner in Italy with colleagues.

Are the sweat pants the best choice for your interview with the law firm?  Is the flowy salsa dress the best choice for feeding the homeless?  The low cut top and short shorts ideal for church? Mini dress and heels best for the grassy picnic?  Each of these choices says something.  Be aware, and choose what best suits your purpose.

Matching:  I say, there are only two times to think about matching.  With monochromatic outfits.  And shoes.  Always awkward when those don’t pair up properly, I think.

Red, white, black, denim, and flip flops: It works.

Don’t wear five different blacks.  Or whites.  Or greens.  Five different textures maybe.  But colors should be consistent.   Otherwise, choose bold and different colors.  Like red and turquoise.  Purple and lime green.  Brown and orange.   When you wear a mix of colors, consider anchoring them by pairing them up.  Blue shoes with a red dress?  Add a blue ring so it seems intentional.

Highlights:  As in life, anything you give attention to or feed grows, appears bigger.  Don’t waste time worrying about hiding perceived flaws real or imagined.  Instead, highlight the great things you love about yourself, whether that’s your right eyeball, legs, kneecaps (not on stage), left toe, arms, or earlobes.

This mini-dress with a flowing, draped bodice highlights the legs without calling attention to tummy, arms, or back.

Celebrate that.  If you’re purposeful about growing and developing as a person, you’ll address the flaw when you’re meant to, by fixing it or accepting it.

Selective exposure: When it is appropriate to be less covered up based on your audience, you can help curb an overwhelming eye-assault by carefully choosing what will or won’t be exposed.

Wearing a miniskirt with sweater to a karaoke bar (stage-free.)

For example, if you highlight your shape in something form-fitting, you might choose a higher neckline, or lower hemline.  Fashion is a dance of the eyes and senses for the wearer and observer:  You wouldn’t Argentine tango with any old stranger.

Yes, the dress was racy being both backless and short. Balance: A neckline that came clear up to my collarbone.

Keep that in mind when choosing what you expose.

Comfort:  Style is about love and self-care.  Willful discomfort Does. Not. Com. Pute.  To be comfortable, consider your environment and activity.    Will it be hot, cold, or unpredictable?  Will you be standing, sitting, walking or dancing for long periods?  Will you need to be physically active and get a little dirty?

Jeans and a dark, alluring top meant I was ready to help setup for a party, and to enjoy the event in style through the night.

I honestly used to be the stilettos everywhere girl.  No more.  Thanks to a football injury (rather heroically sustained might I say), I can’t punish my extremities like I used to.

Carry stilettos if you must.

Above all else, the number one fashion rule to follow:

Aim to express who you are and how you feel, in your own style.  Every day.

Are you feeling somber and focused?  Wear a dark-toned, fitted outfit with angular or metallic accessories.

Fun, and high-spirited?  Wear bright printed colors in fabrics that move.  Accent with colorful accessories.

Enjoy!!!

Shopping tips and wardrobe basics coming up next.

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Gifted part 2: Honoring men who embrace and share their gifts.

10 Jul

Over the weekend, some girlfriends and I had a stirring conversation about authority, and how differently we communicate when we embrace authority.  We also acknowledged how intimidating it can be to know the awesome responsibility that comes with it.

As I continue the never-ending journey of self-discovery, there are several awe-inspiring, beautiful souls who motivate me, and changed who I am for the better: People who walk with authority, who boldly and courageously follow their purpose in full surrender.

Some of these beautiful souls are women, writers and professionals I’m privileged to call my friends, who prompted me to honor their gifts in this forum.

Today, this post will honor some brilliant, powerful, talented men who are fearless and commanding leaders, a blessing to all.

These men impact the lives of thousands of people and through their struggle and guiding light, are making the world a better place.

But let me assure you…

At some point every single one of these formidable men was a little boy playing with toys, whose wildest dreams didn’t compare to the vision of their lives now.

Timothy Watkins.  

His father Ted was a civil rights leader and activist who migrated to California from Mississippi at 13, fleeing a lynch mob.  Tim is the leader of the Watts Labor Community Action Committee, a non-profit in Watts Ted founded in 1965.  WLCAC helps more than 30,000 homeless, elderly, impoverished, unemployed people every year.  Tim is my daddy and friend, an amazing father, musician, carpenter, mechanic, artist, leader and man who I learn from every day.

Learn more about Tim’s work at WLCAC.

Pastor Touré Roberts (PT):

The movement PT started changed my life on February 14th, 2010.  Before then, I scoffed at church.  Since then, I’m slowly uncovering the truth through his leadership, membership, and ministry, which is about life.  Love.  Power.  Purpose.  Strength.  Joy. Peace.  The deadly-serious, love and life-filled prophetic messages he shares and Godly example he sets has freed and empowered me to live fully… And I rightfully thought I was living it up pretty strong before.  PT is the founder and leader of One Church International, and the Artist Resource Center (ARC) in North Hollywood and has a phenomenally talented family.  And he’s flippin’ hilarious.  Who quotes Suga Free in church?

Learn more about PT’s work at One Church and the ARC.

Jason Mitchell:  

There are friends you feel you’ve known forever.  Who leave no doubt there are no coincidences in this world, no random connections.  A photographer, community activist, spiritual leader and motivational speaker, Jason is a force to be reckoned with.  I’m inspired by his life, excited to see how his journey continues to unfold.

Learn more about Jason’s photography.

Travis Townsend:  

Travis is using his talent as a communicator and young attorney to change the way people understand the law and break the cycle of incarceration for young people of color.  He built his own practice in Atlanta, is an active community leader, speaker, volunteer, mentor, and co-author of the groundbreaking book, When the Cops Come Knocking, an instructional guide to criminal law using laymen’s terms.  He’s definitely one of those guys who leave you wondering whether you really optimized your time today.

Learn more about Travis’ law firm or book.

PeQue Brown:  

It is extremely rare for someone to be born a talented visual artist, leader, singer, visionary and pastor.  It’s even more rare to meet and work with such a person.  PeQue is all those things and more, and his unique ministry, LIQUID, uses live mural painting, song, dance, spoken word, acting, and hip hop to transform lives all over the world. 

Learn more about LIQUID.

Gabriel Roland:

I’ve been singing for over thirty years.  Only last year did I realize my singing had the power to change my own life and others through worship.  This realization came in part because of Gabe, who’s had the privilege of being mentored by PT.  His commitment to excellence, exemplary guiding force and leadership for the most powerful music ministry I’ve ever heard, has truly transformed the way I saw my own gifts, and helped me grow as a singer, person and leader.  Not to mention, he’s got a fantastic voice, is an amazing songwriter, pianist and guitarist, cuts a mean rug…

And generous spirit he is, his mix tape is online.

$Free.99

Hear Gabe’s music.

Nathan Fluellan:

This man lives for a living.  I mean, he travels the world experiencing different cultures and lifestyles, and has made it his purpose to share that with others.  He has a genuine love for people and appreciation of life that shows in everything he does, whether it’s flying an airplane, leading karaoke (singing is not Nathan’s purpose), running with the bulls in Barcelona, or ascending mountains in Cape Town.

Learn more about Nate’s company, World Wide Nate.

Jaime Guerrero:

Like jewelry making, glassblowing is an extremely rare and expensive art form.  Few artists learn the craft, and even fewer use it to facilitate social change and impact the lives of those less fortunate.  Through his work with Tim at WLCAC, Jaime is diligently using his passion for the dangerous and beautiful art form to turn life around for kids in Watts who had no idea they could become expert glassblowers… Much less put their talents to the test.  Jaime’s sculptures deal with symbols of Chicano culture that resonate with youth living in poverty all over the country.

See Jaime’s work here.

Ebenezer Quaye:  

Ebenezer is an admirable man, friend, teacher, actor, writer, singer, dancer, cook, and baker.  He has the most powerfully insightful understanding of human nature I’ve ever seen, and an enormous heart.  He shares inspiring meditations on scripture daily.  His approach to life and presence within mine necessitated self-evolution in ways I didn’t know were possible.  I’m a different, and better person in part, because of him.  Ebenezer is a living example:  The way we live our own life can change someone else’s for the better.

A living example.

Not one month ago, the healthy, vivacious spirit below was diagnosed with a life-threatening condition: Multiple blood clots in both lungs.  Came out of nowhere, had no explanation.  How did he take it?

As a sign of God’s plan for greatness in his life:  Ordinary people aren’t targeted for assassination.

Read Ebenezer’s daily inspirational messages here.

Every single one of these men are living their lives with the intent and purpose that comes with knowing every life, every day, every hour matters.

These men are shining beacons of God’s light and glory, beautiful examples inside and out, of what we can achieve when we MOVE, fearless and without shame, FORWARD.

Do what you love.

Don’t be afraid of the responsibility that comes with authority.

Don’t forget:

You never know how a small part of your life is making a big difference in another’s.

Be encouraged.

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Mortality and awakening

9 Jul

Last month, my best friend, the love of my life who is a really healthy, active, sensible eater and non-drinker, ended up in the hospital unexpectedly with a condition that usually causes sudden death, and is usually brought on by a sedentary lifestyle, obesity, and a host of other things.

None of which apply.  He is a walking anomaly, exception, strange case.

This weekend Kyle Glover, an 11-year-old boy suffered a traumatic accident and is fighting for his laugh, having been declared brain dead.

Life is lost and given unexpectedly enough for us to understand: No earthly thing is promised.

Confronting mortality brings a powerful sense of perspective into your life.

All of a sudden, you are forced to realize when it comes down to life or death, nothing matters but you and God.

The following five statements are excerpted from an article about the top five regrets of patients living out their last days.

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Read more about the top 5 regrets.

For many of us, in this moment, we aren’t on our deathbed.  We are alive and free, healthy and roaming.  Don’t wait for a death scare to hit you or a loved one to awaken you.

Take a minute.

You never know what you’ll be faced with, but you can choose to let it strengthen you, re-center you.

Like these inspiring ladies:

Over the weekend, the Williams sisters have once again made history.

“Returning to the tennis court wasn’t easy for Serena who suffered a two year tennis drought after winning the Wimbledon in 2010. That same year… She underwent an emergency surgery for blood clots found in her lungs…

‘…I just wanted to make it out of the hospital. And I wasn’t even thinking about tennis. I was just thinking about my family, and thinking about just making it out of that moment. That’s when you realize you have perspectives about life… Ultimately, I’m the one out there and I make my own destiny.’”

Read more: Serena Williams Overcomes Adversity To Take Home 5th Wimbledon Trophy

Be inspired.

Be encouraged.

Every minute you’re alive is a chance to get it right.

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