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Set the Tempo: The definitive power of rest in every season

22 Mar

I’ve been writing of late about how damaging habitual thinking can be, how important mind rest is.  And yes, this all sprang from a life-control DVR concept in an Adam Sandler flick, Click.

Today we’ll talk about how rest affects what you do when you’re not resting.  Eventually we’ll talk about the other steps to breaking thinking habits and renewal.  It’s okay to wait.

Why do we look at relaxation and rest like it’s a luxury, distraction, or a sign of laziness instead of what it really is:  A necessity to survive, essential to thrive.  The root of your drive.   Roses are red, violets are blue, I write prose and rhyme too!

The quality of rest actually defines our movement.  Think about it.  Not so long ago I developed a habit of scheduling recuperation time… After vacation.  Where my mind was at the time, I went so wild enjoying this so-called rest I was more tired after.

The quality of rest defines our movement.  If your rest is really exhaustion, a fleeting escape from reality, a hot second before you jump back on the treadmill… That’s how you’ll work: Worn-out, exhausted, purposeless, random, never-ending, never progressing.

Limited. Frustrated.  Ineffective.

The quality of rest defines our movement.  Rest defines rhythm in music.  Literally, a song has no beat, no structure, no progression unless there are hundreds if not thousands of momentary rests between notes.  Allyoudhaveisonelongneverendingnote.  And spaces between letters are what help us understand.  Darn hash tags.

Let’s dance a bit in music analogy-land. Remember we’re still talking about mental rest and how it helps us to change our thinking habits, renew us, and drive our actions toward success.

Music is written with attention not only to lyrics, notes and  rhythm, but also to tempo.

A beat, or pause, or rest in music is actually a relative idea.  It’s not like a second in time, which is relatively absolute.  Ha.

The actual length of time that passes with each beat, or pause, or rest in the song is defined by the tempo.  The beats and notes themselves are set by the composer defining the song, but without a set tempo, the performer could get real interpretive with the performance.

That’s why for example, you could sing Mary Had a Little Lamb fast or slow and still recognize the song.

Composers knew this and also made it clear what they expected the speed to be, by setting the tempo.

Technically speaking, tempo is the number of beats per minute.  Just like our heart rate.

So one beat in a song with a really fast tempo will go by very quickly.  One beat in that same song with a really slow tempo will drag out longer.

The tempo sets the quality of rest.  In music, it’s universally recognized that songs with a faster tempo, are harder to play and sing.  They also tend to have a lighter mood, and the sound of a major key which generally sounds happier.

You have to know what your tempo is, for every season of your life.

Classical composers didn’t write one 3- minute song at a time.  They were more like screenwriters, setting a story over an hours-long series of scenes, or songs, or seasons.  And each song within these longer, epic works had a different tempo.  Tempo is defined at the beginning of the work, and as needed after.  If there is no notation about tempo, it’s assumed to stay the same.

Rest in each tempo, or season is by definition, different from another.

If you know your mind controls your actions, and your mind is set to preferences you didn’t assign… And rest is the first step toward renewing your mind…

If rest is what brings structure and order to your life, and defines how well you work when you stop resting…

If rest is relative, with the length of time defined by you according to the tempo you’ve set for your life… And if your life is your most epic, dynamic, world-changing work ever …

Why would you live like rest is an annoying and distracting glitch on a recording of a bad pop interlude?

Recognize how big this is.  How definitively powerful rest is, to your action, movement and how free you are to define it.

Remember how non-negotiable it is for you to claim it.

 

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Habitual thinking: Resting so you can recreate, refresh, renew

15 Mar

I called myself vegging out, watching an Adam Sandler movie recently and ended up feeling like I was in a wildly entertaining master class about habitual thinking…  Inspired by a DVR control and a lot of banal humor.  So, I wrote about how habitual thinking is not in our best interest.

The movie (Click) centered around a DVR controller the hero (Newman) used to try to make his life better, only to find it just memorized his flawed patterns and kept repeating them no matter how much they hurt or what he wanted.

When we tune out, even a little bit, of our own thought processes we become robotic, leaving the best outcome to chance.  I talked in the other post about some pretty common ways most people go on thought default without realizing it, and why that’s not our best.

In the movie, when Newman realized this he was like, “Wait a minute!  So what do I do when this remote just follows my patterns over and over?”  Apparently, he went on autopilot.  He was physically there for his life but mentally, emotionally and spiritually vacant.

Yikes.

That’s what happens to us too… But there’s no blockbuster film distributed to warn others against similar behavior.  And just imagine… If we haven’t been giving life our very best, how awesome would it look if we did!?

We can unlearn bad thought habits, learn good ones and make them work for us instead of against us.  Just like any other habit, we are used to doing it before we decide whether we should.  When we take back that first choice, we can get our very best out of the most important control panel we’ll ever have: Our mind.

This didn’t just happen.  We’re trained for years to become habitual thinkers.  We’re conditioned to execute without thinking about thinking, based on a number of things:  Childhood, information, relationships, education, income, environment, health, physical needs etc.

That’s why before you realize what’s going on, you do certain things.  Maybe you rub your head.  Maybe you laugh joyfully.  Maybe you scream in pain.    Smile with love.  Flip your hair.  Hit in violent anger.  Maybe you do something you don’t think you’d do again if you had time to think about it first.  Maybe you do something amazing you didn’t realize you could.

How?  How do we begin learning good habits?

First and foremost, we rest.

When you’re physically exhausted your body shuts down. You fall asleep.  But first you get drowsy, and start moving less, conserving physical energy.  When we’re mentally exhausted our minds shut down.  But first our thinking gets hazy, and our mind starts moving slower, thinking less.

We can’t take in, receive, refresh, renew, restore or revive ourselves without being rested for the long haul first.  And that doesn’t mean you disappear forever, shirk responsibility, or check out of your life.  Your life is your magnum opus: The greatest work you’ll ever do, and like any epic musical arrangement, the song can not exist without rest.  Our minds can’t function without rest.

We can’t function without mental rest.

Intentional rest taken to refresh and restore is actually productive:  Taking a mental rest actually helps create form and order, not laziness or disorder.

Think about it in terms of classical music: Can you imagine how endless and predictable music would be if every song were one note or even one harmony, sustained forever? That’s our mind without rest.  Music is changing tones, shifting harmonies in time.  And those shifts, if they never have a rhythm of any kind attached to them, have no sense of structure or meaning.

Rhythm is defined by the amount of space between notes, the space (however fleeting or long) between sounds.  That’s our life with intentional renewal and refreshment, produced by rest.

Mind rest is critical.

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Adam Sandler’s Click: An unexpected message about habitual thinking

7 Mar

I watched Click, a hilarious mess of a movie the other day.  I was pleasantly surprised to see another layer in each scene: symbols, patterns, universal truths.

In the movie the main character struggles to become a new man.  And yeah, his name is Michael Newman.   In desperation, Newman unknowingly accepts help from the angel of death, named Mortimer (from the Latin word mortis.)  He has no idea that he’s not getting a regular household item, and no idea he’s been tricked into receiving it by the angel of death.

The angel of death gives Newman a remote control that works like a DVR controller for his life.  It lets him control the pacing, volume, language,  and visual effects of his life: Newman can pause, fast forward, slow down, skip, mute, change language, color, size etc. of each moment in his life as it unfolds.

The remote gives him no power to create anything.

The comedy unfolds in scene after scene until Newman realizes this power isn’t helping him: He’s screwing everything up.  As he picks and chooses to skip moments in his life that seem tiresome, challenging, frustrating, uninteresting or irrelevant his marriage, family, relationships and health fall apart… His career skyrockets.

Upset, he tries to revisit pivotal moments where things changed and struggles with the remote.  And  realizes it’s begun to act on its own, without him even touching it, and against his will.  So even when he realized the error of his ways, he couldn’t control the remote which kept doing the old things he’d asked it to.

He confronts the angel of death about it, and gets this response:

“It’s not a malfunction it’s a feature. It’s using its memory to execute your preferences.”

Oh my.

I was not expecting to get a life lesson from an Adam Sandler flick.

That line shows how, when something does what it’s designed to, if you’re not aware of it you can unintentionally program it to do things early on that over time work against you.

We do this constantly without realizing it:  We’re programming our own minds.  Yeah, they don’t fast forward and etc. (thank goodness!)  But our minds control our feelings and actions: It’s the control panel for our body, and our life.

And our thought processes really work like that feature on the remote.  They don’t just fire off randomly.  We develop patterns, and habitual lines of thinking.

It starts early, as we begin to learn when we’re born.

We learn what hurts, what makes us happy, what makes us sad, what we like and don’t like, how to communicate, information, and even information about thinking.

All that knowledge settles within the brain or operating machine we’re each born with, becoming our thought processes.   And when I say settle, I mean they settle.  When you hear someone joke about how they were raised, they’re basically saying this is where some of my thinking, and some of my actions come from.

They’re basically describing their feature, and what memory is used to execute their preferences.

Which is fine if you’re cracking a joke about food or accent.  But how often do we fail to recognize our thought patterns and habits when it really matters?  Like when we’re following them into failure, depression, sadness, anger, confusion, self-defeat?

That’s why it’s so important to recognize our thinking can be habitual, operating on past preference, old habits.  And how easily that means we will let our own lives spin out of control.  Because no one is perfect, and thinks the perfect thing constantly.  In fact, our learning capacity diminishes as we get older, at the same time we’re holding onto old stuff.

Yes, that means your brain follows patterns you started setting up for it when you were two.  I used to eat ants when I was two.  I’m pretty sure y’all didn’t have consistently right thinking back then either.

Wowsa.

See, our brains work like a Rube Goldberg machine, triggering a chain reaction that eventually leads to an event: For us, it may be feeling,  moving or speaking.

As a baby, this may be as simple as tasting juice you like, which leads to swallowing it, and then gesturing for more of it.  This is simple because there’s not a lot that goes on between that first taste and the choice to act.  You pretty much make three decisions:

I like it.

I want more.

Gimme some.

As an adult, it may (I hope) be more complex, like reading something inspiring, pondering it, remembering it, and letting it lead you to invite friends to begin a new project later that night.  That’s complex: It’s like the juice tasting with a bunch of additional and different chains of thought.

There’s a whole separate line of thought that leads you to think you can do something.  Yet another line, that leads you to store it for reference.  Another that lets you recall it, another that leads you to choose who might do this with you, and another that leads you to act, or start doing.  And a whole bunch in between.

Simple or complex, once a trigger for our thinking has led us to do something enough times, we stop putting as much energy into thinking about it.  This can especially happen with our thoughts about self, and as it did in the film, with our relationships and family because we’re so regularly exposed to our loved ones.

We tend to think along the same lines when we wake, when we look in the mirror, when we consider eating, dressing, planning our day.  We also develop a pattern of feeling about ourselves.  We grow a tendency to think the same thing about others in our life, good or bad, when we see them, interact with them in particular ways.

We easily go on autopilot, as the character Newman in the movie did, much to his annoyance: Agreeing to do things without thinking, his voice in his own life lost.

So our actions become patterns that can form habits, or conditioned behaviors.  Even if the habitual thinking leads to our own destruction.  Our brains will operate a lot like that remote control in the movie, where they remember preferences and execute accordingly.

Which is fine if we’re faced with the same decision everyday, or the same things everyday, the same people, or even if we remained the same.  Forever.

But if the world is changing around us, and people are changing within it, and we’re changing as well, we realize this feature is really a malfunction.

If you’ve ever overreacted  to something, or been underwhelmed…

If you’ve ever gotten excited to see someone or felt poorly when you think about a person or situation…

If you’ve ever struggled to understand something new or different, ever fought the urge to do something not really in your best interest… Or if you battle complacency in not doing the things best for you…

More often than not, we’re operating on our mind’s preference malfunction.

Yikes.

The good news is, we can not only shut that preference malfunction off completely… We can actually make it work for us instead of against us.

More to come on that.

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Meddling: Confusing selfishness and selflessness at someone else’s expense.

13 Feb

Everyone’s been there before:  A loved one is headed down the wrong path, and while you see the cliff at the other end -Be it weight, relationship, abuse, health, career, attitude, family- no amount of signing, screaming, or creative redirection seems to matter.

They pick up speed.

And one of two things happen.

1) You desperately throw yourself at them in some grand gesture/ intervention/ conversation/ act/ etc, essentially hoping to tackle them to the ground before they reach the edge.

Or.

2) Having reached the place where you think nothing you can do will matter, you stand down in silence/ acknowledgment/ distance/ severance/ anticipation of a mediator, essentially hoping to opt out of the violence to come.

Either of those scenarios may be exactly what that person needs, or may be the exact opposite.  But too often, we make this judgment call ourselves both in spite of and because of the risk: Believing that if nothing else, we have to do SOMETHING.

Hoping when it’s all over, both you and they will know and appreciate that you didn’t stand by idly while they self-destructed.  Which by the way, doesn’t usually happen.

Remember.

You cannot change or control anyone’s actions, feelings, or thoughts.  You can do what God’s placed you here to do: Shed light on the right path, communicate the right direction to take.  But a person’ vision has to be intact and their eyes open, ready to receive communication clearly.

Communicating isn’t just about what’s going on with the communicator spiritually and personally, and what they share.  It’s just as much about whether they can reach their audience.  That means where the audience is spiritually and personally, and what the audience receives, matters more.

If a communicator is not understood, communication has failed.  Doesn’t matter how perfect the message was.  It was not received.  That can happen for a number of reasons that have nothing to do with the communicator.

So why meddle? For the sake of some earthly scorecard of friendship intervention?

If someone says they don’t want to talk about it, doesn’t tell you what’s wrong, doesn’t ask what you think, or show up to listen to you wax poetic on a related topic, that’s not code for communicator challenge 350:

They are not ready to listen to you.  Don’t take it personally.

Forcing an unsolicited, uninvited opinion -poorly disguised as a lamp to someone’s feet- is skipping past the first, easiest, and most important indication of whether your message will be received:  Availability.

No one else can make that decision but the receiver.  Not their spouse, sibling, coworker, therapist, pastor, or best friend.

The receiver alone determines their availability to receive.

Human interaction is a decision.  Forcing it at any point is a violation and will do more damage than good.

So be mindful of with whom, when, and how you choose to share your input, thoughts, ideas and opinions.

Be clear on whether you’re sharing as investment into a meaningful exchange, or begrudgingly speaking on deaf ears for the benefit of your conscience.

Be aware that often, pain can make it difficult for someone to clearly communicate what they need.  Know the difference between a cry for help and a demand for space.  Hint: A cry for help will include them making themselves available on some level for such help.

Be discerning of whether, regardless of the words or posture they choose, someone is truly ready to receive.  This isn’t static: Folks may shut down in the middle of an intense conversation.  Don’t go on autopilot and bulldoze through that critical moment.

Be sensitive.  If someone seems to suddenly become upset/angry/etc.  there’s an 80% chance they are.  And a 100% chance it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with how they received what you’re sharing.  Explain they seem (insert emotion here) and ask if you’re misinterpreting that.    Ask if they want to revisit the conversation another time.

Once you or someone else becomes emotionally unhinged, the exchange has turned downhill.  Everything shared and received is done through a filter that obscures meaning and intent.  Opt out.

Or if you must push forward do so because you’re prepared to minister to someone from a place high above where emotions fall apart.

Do not worry that if you don’t say anything or intervene when you believe you know best, something will go wrong that you could have prevented.

That’s confusing selfishness and selflessness at someone else’s expense.

There is only one God capable of intervening, and He either put you in position to deliver a message for another to receive, or He didn’t.

You will know the difference: He ain’t stymied by communication challenges.

Release judgment and fear and let folks live and make their own mistakes.  Your meddling may force them to fail a test designed to strengthen them.

It’s not your job to fix anyone, and logging failed attempts for the record doesn’t help.

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The enemy within: Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self.

25 Jan

I wrote a handy list of relationship tips recently,  and am going deeper on one of them today: Know the God- given roles for people in your life and respect His authority.  

Much has been written about how people are in our lives for a reason, to play a specific role.  Encouragement is offered, and explanations of how to manage the God-given friendships in your life, how to define and recognize appropriate levels of intimacy and partnership for each role, and how to make sure not to pervert relationships or recast roles.

Not as much discussion is had about how to deal with God-given folks in your life who are not your friends.

Or even what they might look like.

If you’ve figured out you were put here for a reason, you’ve entered a race that will help others just because you stepped up.  Unfortunately that means others will be against you.  As my grandpa used to say, “If you have enemies, you must be doing something right.”

You can’t please everyone and you can’t ride the fence on injustice.  Some things are just wrong.  Some people will be your enemies.

It’s irresponsible to disregard danger, pretending it’ll go away if you don’t validate it with a response, or empower it with your thoughts or energy.

The reality is you need to know what you’re facing and you need a plan.

So let’s be clear on these God-given roles.

Partners:  Yay!!!  Those who support you, love you, are clearly brought into your life for a reason aligned with your purpose.  They will reflect the truth to you, especially when you lose sight of it.  Nurture and cherish and build those relationships: Life depends on it.

Enemies: Those who don’t support you, don’t love you, and are clearly brought into your life to oppose you.  Waste no time wondering whether they’ll change, whether you were sent to bring them to the light.  Recognize them.  Pray for them.  Keep your distance.

Then there’s the worst kind of enemy, the one you don’t recognize as opposition, because they’re so familiar and fun.

You.  The you that chooses the wrong path.  The lie.  The you who chooses random fun, just-once-can’t-hurt, what’s-the-big-deal, who’s-gonna-know-anyway.  The reality is, that’s all it takes.  Whether it’s one or a million little moments is irrelevant.

Because the problem isn’t how often, or how much you’ll risk your life or purpose for.  The problem isn’t the consequence of being caught.

The problem is that you’d think anything was worth risking your life or purpose.  The  problem is that you’d lie to yourself and God about who He is.  Not smart.

Give me the fire-breathing, knife-wielding, cannon-shooting, screaming psycho enemy all day long.

I’m from Watts, I got a plan for that.  See it coming miles away.

The hardest enemy to fight is the one in your head, trying to pull your strings like the God in you isn’t in charge.  And yes, this may show up as the alluring, tempting people in your life who activate the enemy within you.

Temptation ain’t coercion.  If you’re tempted it’s because there was a desire inside you for it in the first place.

And yes, the enemy within is God-given: It’s choice.

We truly do have free will and that’s what makes us powerful.  That’s why we can trust Him.  He fully trusts us, to make our own choices even though we’re a raging hot mess.  It’s up to us to choose right.

So how do you do that?

Take control.  If you have to, leave.  Ask for privacy.  Close your eyes and cover your ears.  This is not silly.  It is your life.  Why should you feel obligated to permit or invite others to inform a decision that you alone have to live with?  You wouldn’t let somebody tell you what to do in your house or with your money.  If someone insists on staying/talking/not letting you be alone for a minute let that be your red-alarm. No ifs-ands-buts-about-it, you gots ta go now.  Anyone who insists their presence is a prerequisite for you to tap into God is a liar.  Enemy.  Run.

Remember who you are.  You think the first thought that runs through President Obama’s head if a high school buddy calls to party is, “When and where?”  Nope.  It’s much more along the lines of, “I’m a husband.  I’m a father. I’m the President of the United States.  I’m the leader of the free world.  Is you crazy?”  Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self.  If you have to, start by remembering who you’re not:  You are not helpless, lost, stupid, desperate, crazy, broke, alone, needy, tired, sad, etc.  Look up.  You are a child of God.  Remember.

Get the right idea and act on it.  Don’t assume because you thought it would be a good idea it is.  Especially not if you have a cosigner nearby.  Our minds, feelings and bodies are not free-wheeling playgrounds we can’t control.  If that were the case we’d remain infants forever.  Grow up.  Take responsibility for yourself.  That begins with realizing  every thing is not a good idea, every emotion is not to be acted upon, every action is not forced.  Dogs do whatever they want.  They also eat their own vomit and hump trees.  Just saying.  That ain’t freedom.  You can opt out, and opt in to the right idea.  Think up.  If you have to spend every waking minute praying to master your mind and control your thoughts, do it.

Taking these steps sets the stage and clears the way for you to focus on Him, so you can clearly recognize the enemy within and keep your distance.

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Truth Unchained: Lies and Django Bound

8 Jan

I’ve followed the discussion surrounding Django Unchained and yesterday, read a Tavis Smiley interview that pretty much summed up my thinking about the movie: “I don’t know what’s inside Tarantino’s heart; what I do know is what’s inside his head, because that’s what we see on film. If what’s inside his head is connected to what’s inside his heart, then this brother needs some help.”
So what’s the real problem? It didn’t begin nor will it end or change with this or any other man’s work.
In other reading, of amazing dialogue (ironically not by Tarantino, though he’s been known to write great dialogue) I realized something about one of the speakers that changed my life. His side of the dialogue was really simple, and seemed to completely ignore the other speakers and continue on its own track. After rereading several times, I realized what was happening:
He only heard, only responded to, and only spoke the truth.
Can you imagine how hearing, responding to, and speaking the truth might be perceived in our everyday lives? Probably as anything but the truth.
This realization made me reevaluate not only how I communicate with others, but also what I was taking in and putting out: With every word, bite, move, song, movie, book, spirit and relationship.
It illuminated how harmful,apathetic, and stifling it is to accept and live with lies. Size doesn’t matter with lies. They all hide the truth.
Getting treasures by a lying tongue is the fleeting fantasy of those who seek death.
There is only one truth. And it’s good. Better than we could ever fathom. But it ain’t always pretty, easy, or fun, and for those reasons certainly isn’t popular.
In fact, because lying comes disguised as whatever feels and looks best, and is easiest, it tends to be way more popular than the truth.
Django Unchained is a very popular movie.
Beyond any person, or thing, the real problem is we don’t seem to want or even know the truth anymore. Not about women, men, ourselves, our thoughts, our families, friends, leaders, nation, world, environment, economy, history, work, music, art, movies, books, food, or dance.
Think about it.
When was the last time you, or anyone you know went an entire week, day, or even an hour without thinking, uttering, or believing something that wasn’t true? Mind you, anything that doesn’t fuel the most divine version of yourself and others is a lie, and that’s the truth.
The whole reason we exist is to know, live, speak and be the truth: That is our purpose. That’s what makes us powerful.
So why are we so caught up in, so fascinated by lies we’ll defend them and attack the truth?

To lie is to deceive.
To deceive is to ensnare.
A snare is a trapping device for birds or small animals.
We’re not only set above animals for physical, scientific reasons like opposing thumbs and intellectual or social capacity. We’re set apart spiritually, because of our capacity to know, not just learn about or understand, but to know and actually be love, healing, power, and change: Truth.
So why are we so caught up in, so fascinated by what’s trapped us, we’ll defend it and attack freedom? Why are we living with so much pain we can’t feel the clamp of a trap closing on us?
In the haze of discussion I’ve seen surrounding the film’s release, this troubling tendency is highlighted: The fact that we have redefined what a lie is to make it more palatable: Dressed and seasoned it up to mask the sight and taste of decay.
The new definition of a lie includes: Necessary, cathartic, entertaining, historic, raw, violent, long-awaited, powerful, beneficial to viewers, not that big a deal and…Honest.
Authentic.

 

We exhaust ourselves trying to believe that a lie is our comfy home instead of a trap for a small animal: Why shrink ourselves when we’re at the top of the food chain, made in the image of God? Are we that afraid to be great?

Who convinced us we aren’t authorized or qualified to stand firm in truth?This film is yet another addition to a canon of work that is in truth, a cry for help. We can call it whatever we want but the reality is, when a person does what Tarantino and many others have in their films: Showcase a crippling obsession with violence and perverted sense of love and of reality he is choosing to show his worst…
Is that also what he believes is his best?
The truth is simple.
It’s healing, it’s universal.
But when you’re so tangled up you’ve redefined lies as reality and chosen to glorify them, at the same time you say the truth is a lie and vilify it… You then have to painfully uncover the truth, root it out, and aggressively fight to find, protect and understand it.
Truth is the stolen love of our lives: abducted, abused, covered up and hidden.
If all of us focused everything we had on taking her back, instead of multiplying and adding layers to deception, what would be different?
We would truly be wise, understanding, knowing.
We would heal.
We would grow.
We would live.
We would love.
We would win.
We would be who we are meant to be…
Instead of poorly executing badly written characters in exploitative stories from which no good, no profit will come. Does life imitate art or does art reflect life? When you’re living a lie and hiding from the truth it doesn’t matter.
If we could see honestly, the transatlantic slave trade was one of the single most beautifully pure testament to the power of human love: That in spite of the darkest hatred and violence, we love, we grow, we heal. Tavis Smiley eloquently summarized this truth in his interview: “Look at all that black people have endured and gone through, and then look at the patriots we have become. That is the beauty of the black experience.”
Buy the truth and do not sell it; also wisdom and understanding.

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His favorite: Getting relationships right by knowing where your favor, privilege, power and authority comes from.

4 Jan

It’s a funny thing, how favorites work.

Growing up as the daughter and granddaughter of some pretty powerful folks, I was certainly privileged as a result.  All my life in one area or another, I can say I was considered somebody’s favorite: Choir directors, professors, instructors, coaches, artists, boss’s, friends.

Everyone is someone’s favorite.

Everyone is privileged.

Everyone has authority.

Everyone has power.

It’s manifested in relationship: Stranger-stranger, Friend-friend, sibling-sibling, parent-child, teacher-student, law enforcer-civilian, elected official-constituent, pastor-member, employer-employee, husband-wife, team leader-team.

What’s funny is, privilege, favoritism, power and authority exacerbate and expose the spirit of the person receiving favor and the person extending it.

So being someone’s favorite, being privileged, having power and authority isn’t about ease or luxury.  It’s about who you are, at your core.

If you’re broken, being someone’s favorite can be the worst fuel for self-abuse imaginable:  Your lack of self-worth will drive you to question the favor and rebel against it, both dishonoring authority, yourself, and the means for your advancement.  No matter how perfect the person extending favor is, you will turn their support into an utter waste because of your inability to receive their investment and deliver return.

If you’re broken, being someone’s favorite can send you spiraling out of control, lost in a perceived bubble of protection, free to waste your life away without purpose or consequence.  Frivolity and randomness will be a poor mask for your struggle against the need to prove your worthiness, at the same time you reject the very notion of privilege.  You’ll stifle yourself in exhaustion, fighting to win a loser’s battle.

And, you’ll still know you’re wrong, making your sense of inadequacy and disqualification even worse.  Favor can crush you with your own weakness.  Worst of all, the impact you were meant to have by being lifted by favor and privilege will be limited, and you’ll have no idea what that might mean for someone else.

If you’re broken, your authority and power can fuel a terrible cycle of abuse: Your insecurity will drive you to dangle privilege like a drug only available for purchase with submission, martyrdom, and sacrifice.  No matter how perfect the person receiving favor is, your favor will strike like a weapon, turning their need into a wound through your inability to lovingly invest and nurture yield.

If you’re broken, your authority will drive you to wield your power with false humility,  trepidation, and fear, diminishing your authority, yourself, and those you favor.  Non-transparency  and inconsistency will poorly mask your struggle against the need to justify your authority, at the same time you reject the very notion of power.  Exhausted, you’ll stifle yourself and those you extend favor to, promoting divisiveness and stagnation instead of unity and growth.

And you’ll know you’re wrong, further intensifying the sense of fear, compelling a controlling paranoia as armor against vengeful retaliation from those you seek to control.  Worst of all, the impact you were meant to have by being granted power and authority will implode instead of having expansive reach, and you’ll have no idea what losses you might have caused in the process.

When you’re whole, being someone’s favorite is an awe-inspiring revelation of responsibility, the vision of understanding you’ve been set apart and shielded for a purpose.  When you’re whole, privilege is stewarded with care in service to the authority who offers it.

When you’re whole, authority is a humbling revelation of service, the vision of understanding your life and light is so limitless and powerful you’ve been set above to pour into others, leading them into their purpose.  When you’re whole, authority is stewarded with submission to the God who grants it.

Relationships of authority in wholeness aren’t one-dimensional, one-directional, crushing dictatorial edicts of dogmatic acceptance and blind submission that fester in irresponsibility, avoidance and failure.  They are multifaceted, supportive, life-affirming, accountable, powerful exchanges of honorable, seamless, unstoppable teamwork.

If you’re broken, even the revelation that you’re God’s favorite can become fuel for self-abuse.  That same sense of unworthiness will manifest as resistance to receiving His healing, perfecting love:  Crippling you, setting off a spiral of pointless perfectionism and obsession with proving worthiness… For the one source of love that truly and completely accepts you just as you are.

God not only has the ultimate authority and power, He is it.  And everyone is His favorite.  He has no need to justify, qualify, prove, or wield His power: It is.  And it’s so pure and overwhelming He’s aching to pour it out on us.

God has no need to self-aggrandize by boasting, or forcing anyone to seek His power.

Still, every single one of us… Even as we ignore, belittle, and act like God’s nothing to us and doesn’t exist: Never speaking, never listening, never acknowledging…  Even as we degrade ourselves and deny who we are, even as we shrink away from our privilege in cowardice…  Every single one of us is His very favorite.  He can do that.

As we come into another chance, another year, another cycle, another season, why not ask:

  • How whole am I really?  
  • Do I really know where my favor, my authority and my power comes from?  
  • How whole are my relationships really?  
  • How relevant are my relationships to my purpose?

An honest examination of yourself, your life, your relationships without judgment, accusation or fear will show you where you may have work to do.  And because human beings are created for relationship, you can’t afford to wait:  Your brokenness and confusion is holding someone else back, and you have no way of knowing how.

When you look, and you find fixing to be done, bring it to God.

No one will know.

If you don’t know how, it’s simple:  That same prayer you utter when you think to yourself, “I hope _______” or “Please let_____” is the same prayer you take to God.  You don’t have to be anywhere, say anything, or know anything special.  You just have to be honest.  He’s not your punisher, hater, judger or rejector.  Not only is everything already okay to Him, He can fix what ever’s wrong if you ask.

So ask.  Ask Him to really, really check you out and tell you what to do.  You’ll know His voice: Don’t confuse it for your own.

No one will know.

Then, show how seriously you take getting this relationship, favor and authority thing right by obeying Him.  No one will know (but it’s better when the right people do).

You’ll notice a difference.

Slow and sure.

You have to live with you: Waking, sleeping, all day long.

So why not get yourself in order?

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Sowing into the ultimate win-win: Applying sustainable development principles to your personal life and thinking

13 Nov

How often have you found yourself cursing a choice you made, when you knew, you just knew you could have done better or should have chosen differently?  How often have you gotten a sense that something wasn’t quite right, but you just couldn’t figure out exactly what went wrong, why, or what to do about it?

You reap what you sow.  

Yeah, yeah.  But how do we stop ourselves, from not even realizing what we’re sowing?  I mean, when I glance at chocolate cake how do I turn the promise of deliciousness into the promise of a clogged artery… Then choose not to convince myself to eat the cake anyway?

Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Yeah, yeah.  But how do we stop ourselves, from not even realizing when we choose to shackle our mind?  I mean, when the super-spectacular new adventure film comes out, how do I turn the promise of a great date night… Into the promise of a late bill payment or limited inheritance?  Then, how in the heck do I rejoice in the promise of greatness over the moment of pleasure?

It’s just not easy to change your thinking.

Why?

This excerpt from a colleague about sustainable agricultural development is also a remarkably cogent scientific explanation for why our pesky brains get in our way all the time.  And stay there.

“In the course of analyzing [the mind] from a systems perspective, we are reminded that [systems of thought] are difficult to change because they are nested in larger educational, economic, and political systems that in turn reflect much bigger trends—among them centralization, industrialization, standardization, and globalization.”

It’s not just you.

The idea of changing one’s thinking in this day-the information age- with ever-changing and improving technology is like trying to lose weight by moving into a candy store.  Not to mention, there are very real forces out there whose existence depends on you never changing the way you think.

Still.

We were made for more.  We are still alive, and that means we still have time to be ever better.

Let’s look at this differently, so we can see how attainable and relevant it really is. Instead of regarding mind renewal as the search for some arguably unimportant, unnecessary, spiritual guru light-switch you’ll have to take precious time from your already awesome life to find within yourself…

Consider thinking of it instead, as best business practice: Sustainable Development.

What is sustainable development?

“Referring to something as sustainable should indicate a method of [development] that is socially and environmentally responsible.  Having the title of sustainable inherently implies the [development] was also produced organically.  In a broad sense being sustainable means considering all the natural and human resources used in the [development], so a [development] that is sustainable is one that does not degrade or exploit resources, natural or otherwise, in the process of its creation but instead works as part of a system to regenerate and rebuild (not just sustain) the resources it uses, naturally as a holistic process.”  

In other words, sustainable development or mind renewal is the ultimate win-win.

But we have to choose to use that model.  Even though sustainable development sounds great, doing it is another challenge entirely.

So it begins.

There’s no question that we control our choices and actions.  Lots of stuff may get in the way of how we choose and act, but it is ultimately up to us to decide what we do.  It is also up to us to get our lives and thoughts in order, so we can make sound decisions.

That’s why mastering the stuff that gets in the way of how we choose and act is important.  Even more important, is that we master our mind and renew our thinking.  Then, all that stuff goes away, and we get the ultimate guide.

We know nothing is in the way of how we choose and act and we always have the best advisor possible.

The promise of success resulting from choosing and acting in the very best way possible, is why we value intelligence, science, intellectual pursuits: They all suggest mastery of one’s mind, which suggests right thinking, right choosing, and right living, which signifies success and greatness.

Looking at that backwards, if someone’s great and successful, in terms of reaping what you sow… They had a great harvest.  This means they chose to tend their territory/life/etc. well.  If they chose to tend well, they thought about all the possibilities.  They had knowledge of the possibilities first and chose to develop for sustainability.  They knew how important sustainable development is: They had mastered or renewed their mind.

When you sow, or put time and effort into planning, planting, establishing and growing something, it isn’t just about the seed.  You are choosing to enter a system with multiple inputs and outputs, some of which are within your control.  Within that system, the seed, soil, climate, season, water source, neighboring plants, all matter.

To get the best results, you need to fully understand the lay of the land, create a sustainable development plan, and put it into action.

In a planting situation, that might mean you select drought-tolerant crops to plant in a desert.  Or, choose to plant flowers nearby so bees can pollinate easily.  Or, that you strategically introduce ladybugs to eat predatory insects, or establish plants that attract birds that do the same.  It might mean you avoid certain plants that poison others, or inhibit growth.

In life, too often, we lack understanding, fail to plan for sustainability and then just throw up our hands when our creation uses itself up.  Even with good intentions we might give it to God, never realizing our passiveness is opting out of our destiny by accepting less for ourselves.

All development or processes of creation will become something:   A success, failure or stepping stone.  Every development exists in relationship to the rest of the world.  The more any creation process seeks to develop at odds with its surroundings, the more stunted and violent the outcome will be.

The ideal development, or process of creation, is sustainable.

It would not only last. It would be designed to function in a way that would enhance, improve, grow and replenish everything around it.  It would naturally depend on the promotion and use of the best in everything around it and everyone and thing around would get better because of it.

Truly great people, art, music, food, families, architecture, businesses, urban planning, health, design, all follow these principles.

When a non-sustainable development plan is implemented, it’s because cutting corners not only takes less time and money, but less intelligence to accomplish.  What is saved in time, thought and cash is spent in shortened shelf-life, higher maintenance and decreased return on investment.

It’s worth it to understand.  It’s worth it to know.  It’s worth it to master your mind, so that sustainable development in your life is the only available option.

How do you master your mind?

By realizing your mind is your first seed: You are your first and most important sustainable development.

Before you begin to plant anything else, focus on building, sharpening, cleansing and preparing the most important tool you’ll ever use: Your mind.

Recognize you are learning constantly, just like a baby.  What you choose to learn from matters.  Your mind has a give and take relationship with its environment.  You start sowing into your mind by first carefully considering and choosing its planting conditions.

You wouldn’t plant a weed next to a tomato vine, or spray plant-killing poison over an orange tree you plan to grow and eat from.  Nor would you plant a tree that needs light, and water in a concrete bucket in the basement.

You would however, if you knew there were certain plants that make oranges juicier and sweeter… Choose to plant those plants near your orange tree.  If you knew of ground cover that prevents weed growth while stimulating tomato production, you’d probably choose to plant that as well.

Your life is no different.  What you surround yourself with matters.

You’re building toward something, whether you realize it or not.  But your thinking about it has to change.  That begins with learning every principle that helps ensure what you create is designed to be sustainable: To thrive, flourish, and regenerate, causing everything around it to do the same.

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Share the good stuff: Own your impact by reflecting goodness.

29 Aug

I haven’t written in a while.  Usually stuff just pours out of me.

Stuff.  Recently stuff has been very quiet inside.  Silenced stuff that didn’t seem relevant or worthy.

Well.

We are always worthy. 

Last year a really challenging season showed me I didn’t like writing about stuff that wasn’t happy.  I sucked it up and wrote about overcoming.  In reflection, my experience was valuable.  Everything we see is a reflection, light bouncing off a form to give it shape according to our understanding.  Depending on how we look at it, we may see the same thing differently.

Reflection: The Pacific Ocean seen through the Olde Port Inn on the Avila Beach Pier

Life is always relevant.  

Last night I dreamed of wandering through an urban, neglected landscape.  As I walked through the glaring sunshine in dry heat, the neighborhood gradually grew more desolate.  The roads were unpaved, buildings rare and ruined.  The few people I saw as I rounded corners were broken and dazed, ravenous for whatever death tonic was keeping them alive, whether it was money, sex, confrontation, or drugs.  One by one, in subtle and different ways they noticed me.  What I saw looking back at me was scary.  A reflection of the dying human spirit.

Aware, alone and afraid I turned back the way I’d come, sinking lower as I looked for life: Growing desperate as it eluded me.  Suddenly a brightly knit fabric in gold, crimson and green caught me, and I saw a small cluster of men with locked hair, chatting animatedly.  My spirits lifted and we acknowledged each other in warm, polite greeting.  Thankfulness filled me and I continued my journey home.

We always have something to share. 

Reflecting on the dream, the only reason my spirits lifted when I saw those folks was an inherent understanding they meant me no harm.  The simple human connection of eye contact, a smile and warm spirit lifted and encouraged me.  How devastated would I have been had they turned and left upon my approach?  As I did in the face of fear?  How let down were the folks who noticed me approaching and surely noticed my fearful retreat?  I saw in those men a reflection of who I could be, simply by being.

Some years ago, a light bulb went off when a homeless man paid me a sweet compliment when I smiled genuinely at him: “Thank you sister, that smile is a blessing in itself.  God bless you.”  

I’d written off similar comments as polite come-ons in the past but that day I understood:  How hurtful is it when people won’t even make eye contact with you?  When they dishonor and disrespect you and themselves by averting their eyes, pretending you don’t exist even peripherally?  What purpose is served by scowling in the mirror at your own reflection?

You never know what another human’s need is in any given moment.  

When I went camping with my family recently, we slept in tents, had to pay for showers and use public restrooms.  On waking early, only to wait in a long line for the restroom and a longer line to wash my hands, I was one tiny, testy, trifling, trivial, too-through Tina.  For a grand total of ten minutes.  The spell was broken by an exceptionally cheerful fellow camper I passed on the way back to my tent.  As she approached, eyes bright with a smile on her face and offered a lilting “Good morning!”  I didn’t have the heart to crush her joy with my scowling frustration over poor potty time.  I mustered a genuine smile and greeting, laughed to myself about how childish I was being, and remarked on how immediate the impact of that simple, joyful countenance was.  I mirrored her reflection.  

We don’t have the right to choose who’s worthy of human decency.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing makes an impact.

Whether you mean it or not.

Be aware.  Be connected.

Make sure your impact is helpful and encouraging to others making their own impact.

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On weight loss: Winning spiritual battles and conquering the physical

7 May

A friend, leader, father, artist, son, and grandfather, Willie Middlebrook, passed away this weekend after health complications following the onset of a stroke some time ago.  As we mourn the loss of our friend and celebrate the peace of his homecoming, I can’t help but reflect on health and mortality.

Today in a fitness group I’m part of, a dear friend shared Black Women and Fat, an article written by Alice Randall on Cinco de Mayo, making me think of another dear friend who’s a wellness practitioner, mother, wife, and slim and healthy black woman.  I read the article, thoughts swirling in agreement, disagreement and concern.

In the article, Randall writes: “FOUR out of five black women are seriously overweight. One out of four middle-aged black women has diabetes. With $174 billion a year spent on diabetes-related illness in America and obesity quickly overtaking smoking as a cause of cancer deaths, it is past time to try something new.”

I can’t oversimplify this.

Do

Not

Trust

Statistics. 

No study covers every single case, and broad-based research is well-funded because that investment is tied in to economic gain.

How often is food policy set according to CDC statistics and what kind of influence is wielded by pharmaceutical companies and multinational corporations with profit attached to said policies ?

The article continues: “What we need is a body-culture revolution in black America. Why? Because too many experts who are involved in the discussion of obesity don’t understand something crucial about black women and fat: many black women are fat because we want to be.”

There are exceptions to every rule but it’s a dangerous generalization to say anyone is fat because they want to be.  The article seems to be intentionally blurry about clinical obesity and size.  Curvy, proportionate, and feminine are very different ideals than rotund, obese, and unhealthy.  This ideal isn’t limited to one culture: The Venus di Milo, and Marilyn Monroe are some of the world’s most celebrated icons of feminine beauty.

I agree completely that we do need a body-culture revolution, but we are remiss if we limit it to one race or culture.  The question of American health has to be tied into the question of capitalism and greed if we want to talk about why American citizens are the fattest people on the planet.

Further supporting the idea that culture and obesity are linked, Randall writes: “The black poet Lucille Clifton’s 1987 poem “Homage to My Hips” begins with the boast, ‘These hips are big hips.’ She establishes big black hips as something a woman would want to have and a man would desire.”

The female form has long been used as a symbol of fruitfulness, of political power and human strength in art and literature ranging from holy texts to sculpture.  Limiting the discussion to one race, one gender, one body type, one sexuality, blurs the real issue.

Weight and health isn’t about attractiveness to men, sex, or culture.  It’s about self-love, which comes from the highest love of all.  Greed, gluttony, sickness and hate can’t survive in a world fueled by it, and improving spiritual health is way more effective than buying a treadmill.

Indeed, the metaphor in Clifton’s poem is about these larger issues of freedom, and power, not about the body or lust.  Even the structure of the poem is open and free, underscoring the idea of breaking constraints, of being unbound, released.  Clifton’s poem goes on:

they need space to 
move around in.
they don’t fit into little
petty places. these hips
are free hips.
they don’t like to be held back.
these hips have never been enslaved

In another well-known poem about the power of femininity, Phenomenal Woman, Maya Angelou weaves the grace and beauty of the female form around the language of spiritual confidence, power, love and joy, simultaneously asking and answering the question of what true beauty is.

The poem begins with a brilliant juxtaposition of physical and spiritual, showing that life is what makes a woman beautiful, not appearance.

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

The last stanza of the poem drives home her point, that the power of womanhood is the light of God shining within.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
‘Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me. 

Randall’s article consistently underscores the need for a health revolution: “WE have to change. Black women especially.”

Again, I agree.  We do need to change, beginning with embracing the best version of ourselves and being intentional about changing the dialogue about race, humanity and spirituality.  Every article, study, newscast, conversation and movie we have that talks about black people being sick, fat, lazy, stupid, broke, angry, ugly, or apathetic contributes to a false narrative.

While it’s important to acknowledge where work needs to be done, and to celebrate when we begin that difficult work, it’s important to make sure we don’t perpetuate that false narrative.

Often, it’s our silence that empowers lies.  Our voices have to be used to communicate truth, our power to light the way.

Black people are the origin of humanity, life.  Our history proves we are incredibly resilient, talented, brilliant, beautiful, athletic people overflowing with love for God and for mankind.

Black people, women, are not alone in that: That is the history of humankind.

How can we honor and celebrate humanity as a reflection of the divine by condemning ourselves with anything other than the truth of our divinity, our phenomenal-ness?

Shouldn’t a physical revolution be ignited by a spiritual one?

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