Archive | Mythical Creatures RSS feed for this section
Aside

Signs of a Super-warrior

26 Jul

Image

I’m pretty sure when you look at Mr. Yoked-out Olympian angry man of the year above you think, “Now THAT’S a fighter.”  You wouldn’t want to tangle with him in a dark alley.  He looks like he leads a very disciplined, serious life where he’s constantly preparing for, engaged in, or recovering from battle.  This beefed-up warrior dude looks like he could take on, like, fifty really angry beefed-up warrior dudes with knives and lassos and stuff…

And win.

This guy looks like he’d break a limb with a finger-flick.

Like, he’d be someone’s bulky secret weapon.

Picture a kung-fu movie scene, where some king of olden days listens to an enemy’s haughty messenger of war (backed up by the ever-subtle chanting of thousands of soldiers at the kingdom gates.)  The king waits until the enemy’s messenger finishes and eyes him dismissively, then waves a graceful hand at a servant and says, “So it is.  Summon Brutus.”  The drums kick in.

Brutus, of course, is angry warrior man above.  You know the battle scene to follow.  Brutus types scare the crap outta most folks.

But there are even badder warriors than Brutus out there, who look nothing like him or anyone who might overcome him.  Part of their power is that you’d never suspect it.

Here’s how that scene would go with a super-warrior:

They’d walk into the room and look upon the king.  The king would keep his eyes locked on theirs, and ask the room to clear.  End Scene.  The next scene would show the enemy king asking the messenger in a screaming fury, who the mystery person was.  Then he’d order his army after them.  And somehow, they’d end up circling back to attack him with the super-warrior.

That’s a super-warrior.  Instead of scaring you, they somehow inspire you… To join ranks and fight the real enemy.  You might find yourself looking around like, when did I sign up for this and how did I get here?  Wait.  Focus!  Charge ahead!

Now, for the useful tidbits.  How would you know you’re facing a super-warrior and how do you deal with them?  More importantly, what the heck is this super-warrior so charged up about?
Super-warrior giveaways:

Twinkling eyes.  Broad smile.  Radical love.  Open arms.  You often are taken aback by a super-warrior’s gaze, thinking you must know them.  Usually this is because there’s something penetrating, understanding and timeless in their eyes, matched with the caring love of a smile usually reserved for anyone else.  Super-warriors confound the heck out of folks by loving problems away, by demonstrating the kind of strength in spirit that makes you ask, “How in the world…”  Super-warriors fight not by violence, and dealing death blows, but by healing and embracing humanity.

How you deal with a super-warrior:

In truth.  Honor.  Love.  Kindness.  Super-warriors don’t take lightly to the current phenomenon of laughing it off, pretending it’s okay, or half truths.  They aren’t so keen on seeing folks treated like they’re not super-warriors as well. Hatred and injustice is definitely fire-starter.  Basically uh… You want to be on their side.

What compels a super-warrior:

Life.  Not the random, silly, devil-may-care kind of carefree drunken spiral through empty fun, meaningless pursuits and purposeless relationships.  The real, raw, meaningful, purpose-filled, infinitely joyous embrace of deep, strong bonds in a risky, worthy walk of love.

It’s easy to respond to the chaos and destruction in life with more chaos and destruction.  What’s not, is responding with love, kindness, genuine concern, and true joy.

This is why, I think Super-warriors look a lot less like Mr. Yoked-out Olympian angry man of the year above and a lot more like this.

BEWARE: Super-Warrior in training.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Men: Real, grown-up superheroes.

31 May

I’m a 32 year-old woman surrounded by real men: My father and grandfather, best friend, brothers, friends and colleagues at work, home, church and life.

Beyond our very different individual relationships, they all have one thing in common:

They protect me.

So here I stand, a petite woman only 5 feet tall and backed by my circle of protection from real men, calling for your help:

Be a superhero:  Stand up.  Step forward.  Speak out.  LEAD.

Stop being lied to, manipulated, and cheated of your value and worth.

Real men aren’t sexy escorts with big bank accounts.  Real men aren’t violently angry druggies or drunkards.  Real men aren’t sex-slaves addicted to cheap encounters with sexy women, strippers, adulterers, porn or prostitutes.  Real men aren’t shallow, emotionally limited commitment-phobes who can’t and won’t speak up for themselves.  Real men don’t physically and emotionally abuse women.  Real men aren’t available to be twisted around the finger of the first Jezebel spirit to cross their path disguised as opportunity, pleasure, fame, money, love, friend, family… Or God.

Soon-to-be-real-men have a paralyzing fear of responsibility and do anything to distract themselves from it.

Men are meant to protect life’s most precious gift, mothers, daughters, sisters and women: Life.  

Real men are the protectors of life.  

Talk about superheroes.

So where are you?

Our grandmothers, daughters, sisters, and mothers are unprotected and suffering.  We are screaming, raped and broken.  We are crying, sold and bloodied and broken.  We are howling, beaten, and broken.  We are sobbing, filmed, paid and broken.  We are whispering, flirting, dancing and tipped and broken.  We are chasing, bedded, aching and broken.  We are sauntering, scantily-clad and desperate and broken.

We are all around you.

Your childhood friend, colleague, church member, salesperson, relative, facebook-friend, celebrity, and leader.

We are all around you, secretly begging for our lives.  For your protection.

Will you protect us?

Or are you only man enough to protect the easy ones: The women you truly love, who also truly love you back?

Will you man up, shake off silence, and fight for the women, who give birth to presidents, kings, queens, artists, and leaders… You?

Or will you imagine what my daughter looks like naked?  Will you tuck a five dollar bill into my mother’s thong and laugh?  Will you lure my little sister into your bed?  Will you buy my grandmother for sex?  Will you watch my little girl in a movie for your fleeting pleasure?  Will you punch me in the stomach and tell me you love me?  Will you destroy my baby by convincing her the best she can be is a five-second orgasm in a man’s life?

Yes, it is the same.

Every woman is someone’s true love.

We need you.

We aren’t desperate for those convenient relationships that allow the people in them to pretend a real man’s protection isn’t needed because the woman isn’t worthy of it.

We are desperate for real men.

The kind who won’t lie to themselves about what abuse really is, stand by silently when their brothers refuse to protect us, pretend it’s no big deal when men violate us, or refuse to commit their lives to protecting and honoring us.

Is it because of a fear that you won’t matter, that you don’t fight?  Is it because you can only do so much?

So much.

You can do so much.

Beginning with understanding.

There’s no such thing as a little bit or okay.

Understanding that if you could see your daughter’s face in every rape victim, sex slave, prostitute, stripper, conquest, or attractive woman…

Something in your stomach would stir.

Not lust.

Manhood.

The knowledge and unwavering understanding and commitment to your role as life’s protector.

Not the ex, the tipper, viewer, abuser, ogler, client, or purchaser.

You’re right.

You alone, can not change the world, nor can you protect every woman in it.

You are not alone.

Yes, of course there are men out there who think this is ridiculous, that no real man does this.  If they admitted this is true, wouldn’t they also have to admit they aren’t a real man, yet?

Please.

As a daughter, a grand-daughter, a great-great-granddaughter, an older and younger sister, the love of someone’s life… I beg you.

Find some superheroes.

Stand up.  Step forward.  Speak out.  LEAD.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

How to REALLY get (and keep) the love of your life..

6 Dec

Years ago, I was single.  And I got some really perfect advice about avoiding the hotmessdedness that is the inevitable outcome of  the single-and-looking process.

I was told to be careful what I wished for.

At the time, I asked myself:

  • Do you really want to meet more people or do you want to rediscover yourself?
  • Do you really want to be dating people or do you want to be fulfilled in dating yourself?
  • Do you really want to be with one or do you want to be one with self, whole?
  • Are you really ready to be married?
  • Don’t you simply want happiness and contentment?
  • Then why are you looking for a goshdarned thing?

Too often, we look at symbols and idols and pretend they are either symptoms or causes of happiness.

Question: How do you get a man or woman?

Answer: You don’t.  You get you.  Focus on you.  The fact is, you don’t need a motherlovin’ thing to be happy but you.  Not a wife, or a husband, or a car, or a home, or a drink, or a dance, or a dress, or new shoes, or jewelry, or church, or pets, or family, or friends, or kids.

You know why?

Because all around the world there are people who have all of those things and are still unhappy.

You are the one constant in your life.

So.  The next time you find yourself yearning to change your circumstance, yearn to change yourself.  Figure out who you are.  What you like.  How you feel and why.

Grow.

Change.

Evolve.

Learn to love yourself like no one else can.  In the process, you will inch ever closer to the best version of yourself.   And why would you want to be anything less?  Why would you want to be with someone who wanted a lesser version of you? In life, we deserve to be surrounded by people who see and love our most divine selves, who uplift us: But it’s our responsibility to discern who belongs around us and in what role.

Question: How do you keep ‘em?

Answer:  Keep it up.  You have to take ownership of living your own life.  It is not lived for anyone else but you.  Even as parents, if you’re unable to care for yourself first your children will suffer immeasurably.  Maintain your sense of self.  Do the things you love.  Continually rediscover and explore yourself.

In an ideal romantic relationship, you won’t complete each other: Life is always growing and changing.  And you won’t love each other more than life itself:  That’s a suicide pact, not love.  You won’t ever know everything there is to know about each other, and yourselves:  Healthy people are constantly changing.

You want to know how to get and keep a really great relationship?

Revel in finding out and falling in  love with all there is to know about yourself, your spirit, your life first.

And never stop.

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Let go of the toilet seat, already.

3 Nov

Scene: An attractive couple madly in love with each other snuggle on the couch in their living room, enjoying a movie and feeding each other heart-shaped popcorn-chicken nuggets.  Kittens purr at their feet and butterflies flutter past in the waning afternoon sun.  Between powerful bursts from their exceptional sound system the melodious chirping of birds can be heard ever-so faintly.

Lady stands, bending over to seductively kiss Man’s neck.

“I’ll be right back Honey, I’m using the loo.  Will you pause it for me please?”

Man affectionately squeezes a lady part and smiles like the cat that ate the canary.

“Anything for you baby.”

Lady walks down the hall while man leans to watch her go, popping another heart-shaped nugget.  He closes his eyes, savoring the glory that is his life in this moment.  ”Damn I’m a lucky man,” he thinks.

Then things fall apart.

A blood-curdling scream echoes from the hall, punctuated by the sound of glass breaking.  The scream turns into an angry chant: “This never should have happened. I should have known better.  Am I losing my go—n mind? This never should have happened…”

Man sits frozen, face red from choking on the love-nugget that lodged in his windpipe when the unexpected noise caused him to gasp in surprise.

And then he hears the door open.  Footsteps pad slowly down the hall.  His heart races.  His thoughts explode in terrified confusion:  ”Crap.  Am I in a horror film?  Did the Exorcist get a hold of her in there?  I’m like that idiot that’s going to die in first scene.  Maybe I can get to the kitchen for a knife. No, no, too far away.  I’ll just throw the nugget plate at her if her eyes are red. Chuck ‘n’ Duck.  Crap.”

Lady steps into the living room.  All is silent but his heart beat.  The theme from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly whistles unheard in heavy air.

“Honey.”

Man glances at her hands for potential weapons then dips his head low, signaling submission, and looks up into her eyes, afraid to spark a murder spree.  He says nothing.

“You left the toilet seat up.”

Stunned, the man looks left and right for hidden cameras while he struggles for the response that effectively resets life to when chicken love-nuggets reigned supreme.

He says nothing.

End Scene.

Drama.

Pure drama.

But like most drama, this is based in reality.  And it isn’t just a woman thing, men flip out as well, over different things or sometimes the same things… Innocuous little everyday items that mean a whole lot more than the average fork/water spot/dirty child/ late dinner/ toilet seat.

Tantrum Totems.

You know what they are.  At work, it may be the darn TPS report.  At church, maybe it’s the multimedia system failing.  At home, maybe it’s late dinners, mismatched socks, full trash cans or drinking the last of the orange juice.  In fact, these things are meaningless.  In your emotional landscape they are land mines, symbols, totems that set you off in a temper tantrum, expressed inwardly or outwardly, ultimately destructive.

Why do these things matter so much then?  Why would one stare at an empty dinner table, a hole in a sweater, or latrine with such a strong reaction if they don’t mean anything?

Well, the same way we get sentimental about the great things… Roses, babies, wedding rings, sporting events, romantic dinners, we get sentimental about the not-so-great things.  It’s about where we are personally and circumstantially when we encounter these things, and what these things represent for us.  And what feeling that representation inspires.

I bet your ex’es baby wouldn’t make you coo as fast as your best friend’s. That candlelit dinner with your grandpa wouldn’t make your heart flutter like it would with your love-nugget.  Even a wedding proposal, if received on the day of some catastrophic tragedy loses its romance and charm.

In the interest of ensuring scenes like the one above are perpetuated in art, instead of in real-life exchanges, let’s all agree to recognize what we’re dealing with.

And burn them.  And bury them.  And burn them again.

How?

Well, the answer is always simple, right?  Sprinkle some love on it.

Self-love.  Because if any thing is able to disrupt your peace, you weren’t really ever settled to begin with.  Yes, maybe you hate the thing because it symbolizes a riff with your love-nugget.  But honestly, if you were truly at peace with yourself, the riff would be resolved.  Not festering.  It’s hard to distinguish a rotten grape from a rotten tomato if they’re all smooshed up together.

Yes, the Tantrum Totem sets you off.  It’s like a smoke detector, telling you something’s wrong.  So if it ain’t about the toilet seat, or dinner being ready, but instead that your love-nugget ain’t lovin’ you the way you need to be… That’s what you want to figure out.

It’s hard to talk about your needs with someone else when you don’t know what they are.  If your life isn’t clearly defined, and you aren’t really happy and at peace with it, you can’t really expect anyone in it to know how to function on that level.

Life meets us where we are, not where we want to be.

So next time you come home and dinner is late, or the toilet seat is left up, try going over to your love-nugget, and hugging them and tell them you’re glad they’re there.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Kittens and puppies and cuteness, oh my!

27 Oct

This is Bubba.

I have a problem. Okay 99 and kittens are one.

Okay, five problems.

Well, more than that.

But specifically, five kittens that present a problem.

How could kittens ever present a problem for me when they are all things rainbow and sweetness and light and love that is right in the world besides babies and martinis and sunshine and puppies and butterflies and champagne?

Well.

They are the most adorable, personality-filled, hilarious, healthy, energetic little guys ever… And I don’t want to let them go.

I’ve managed to delude myself into thinking keeping two of the kittens is reasonable when it’s clearly not.  Somehow, parting with three, as opposed to all five of them seems feasible to get over in an acceptable period of time. Otherwise, I fear there might be some serious post-partum-kitten distress disorder.

That would look like equal parts sadness:

I want my kittens!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anger:

Eff you. Why'd you take my $#%@ kittens yo?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crazy:

Was that a kitten ghost? Don't touch me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And drunk.

I'll just drown my sorrows. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A sad, angry, crazy, drunk Tina is not something the world  ever needs to be introduced to.

Today, I’m going to share why these kittens are so flippin’ awesome.

Partly because it will help in the grieving (yes, I said grieving) process that I’ve already embarked upon… Partly in hopes it might inspire a new parent who I can then secure visitation rights with.

By the by, if you’re considering adopting, my love nugget has defined terms of custody as inclusive of twitter feeds and facebook pages, which I think is a bit much.  We’ll see.

Mind you, they were born into a fiasco: http://tinawatkins.wordpress.com/2011/08/02/kitten-scavenger-hunt/

Six or so weeks after that, we lost their adorable mother Little Scruffy on the family camping trip, which was more than mildly depressing.  And meant we had to wean them onto solid foods.  And by wean I don’t mean gradually introduce, I mean immediately shift them to meat baby foods.

Which might have been easier if they didn’t love the stuff.  Instead, they were very much like a team of rabid kitten crackheads with talons and sharp teeth going after the hard stuff.

They slammed their faces into it, nearly suffocating themselves, and fought like fiercely wronged four year old kindergarten girls in a slap-boxing match.

I never would have thought I’d witness a kitten pimp-slap, sucker-punch, or clothesline another kitten so intentionally before.  We quickly decided to spoon-feed them instead, which was all at once way over the top, adorable and challenging.

That said, these, are the profiles of the five cutest kittens I’ve ever seen.

Pirate:

Pirate, the trailblazer is in a boot.

So named because he has a black patch over his eye (and a perfect one on his hind paw.)  Otherwise a beautiful calico, he is the trailblazer of the group.  The first to open his eyes, walk, run, fight, eat, purr.  Also the first to begin taking flying leaps four times his body height off the couch that used to be in their room.  Definitely the fearless leader of the pack, but also very sweet, as opposed to the Conans, as I’ll explain.  He never resists when picked up, and quickly begins to purr when petted.  When eating, he would calmly lick the spoon and didn’t need the Hannibal Lecter-style restraints called for with some of the others.

Bubba:

Bubba's a tad slow.

 

All grey from head to toe, Bubba is certainly a striking kitten.  But we’ve always been a tad concerned:  He was last at everything and began as the fattest of the bunch.  He’s grown into a rather lanky, awkward fella.   More greyhound than grey kitten.  For a while we were convinced he might be blind or anosmic.  Then we realized, much like a really nonchalant, fat, half-drunk trucker he just wasn’t pressed.  So we named him Bubba.  He purrs on sight.

Mahatma the Mountainclimber:

Mahatma in mid-climb: He made it all the way to the neck.

 

The other calico of the group, he was the most peaceful of all.  Never struggled when picked up, sat calmly when fed, never ran or fought or chased other kittens.  If you get him anywhere near your face he will ever so gently and tear-jerking hallmark-card cutely try to lick your nose.  He loves to climb things but doesn’t discern between appropriate and inappropriate climbing material.  A dress, jeans, bare skin or cage all get the leap, sink your claws in and cling for dear life from him.

The Conans:

The last two are the biggest, and look very similar with grey and white stripes. When feeding, they went absolutely psycho-crazy, forcing us to wrap all but their heads in towels as a restraint to avoid them clawing and smacking the food everywhere but into their mouths.  They are also the most effective bullies of the bunch.  Picky eaters, both have perfected the art of shoving and holding other kitten’s faces in the ground while they alone eat from the bowl peacefully.  We decided to name them Conan the Barbarian and Conan the Destroyer.

Conan the Barbarian:

This is the fattest of the bunch by far.  As much as he bullies the other kittens, he is an absolute ball of cuddly love whenever you pick him up.

Conan the Barbarian: Don't be fooled by the cuteness.

Conant the Destroyer: The world is mine, kittens. Ha.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Arguably one of the cutest of all the kittens, Conan the Destroyer just loves trouble.  He fights other kittens constantly, and loves play-attacking you as well.  He dominates the second food bowl.  Destroyer seemed fitting.

Sigh.

There you have it.  The cutest kittens of all time.  They love playing with corks, paper, earrings, and ribbons.  They used to love playing with a rather noisy ball with a bell in it that I’ll be confiscating, since kitten soccer tournaments run from 4am to 7:30am.

I love them and have decided Pirate and Conan the Barbarian will stay with me.  But I will miss them all.  Some body please, please, take Conan the Destroyer, Mahatma, and Bubba.

Please.

Tags: , , , ,

Humility and gratitude.

26 Jan

Humility.

I’m learning that my purpose here is not my own.  That I’m in use for a greater good and my earthly challenges are by the very fact of their existence, fleeting, insubstantial and defenseless against that greater good. It’s like I’m a character in an amazing video game of life and my features and weapons are my talents and gifts.

Stuff gets real easy from that perspective.

You don’t see Lara Croft stopping in front of a monster to say, “HOLY CRAP!  What am I gonna do?”  Then crying, climbing back into bed with a tub of ice cream to mope.  Ain’t no move for that one.

She stands still until you give her the command.

Then commences to tushy-whoopin’.

YEAH!!!!

And, as empowering as that may sound it’s also really flippin’ humbling. Because how seriously can you take the stuff in your life, or even yourself if you’re a video game character.  Really?

Gratitude.

That being said, I love and cherish every little gift in that game.  Drinking in and savoring life’s treasures are like the energy or extra ammo icons you grab or hit.

I’m grateful that last night I danced under the stars to Michael Buble’s “Feelin’ Good.”

Grateful that I was able to love inside out, exchanging words of passion with someone I’m privileged to love, who loves and honors me.

Grateful we were able to exchange I love you’s and mean it.

Grateful that I awoke in the middle of the night to the pit-pat of my cat’s running feet and feel of him leaping onto my tummy purring after his great escape from sequestering.

Grateful to wake this morning to clear blue skies, in abundance so great I was able to share my food with another.

Grateful to be able to spread ginger souffle body cream on my hands and inhale its sweet fragrance.

Grateful to have friends who share, who love, who care.

Grateful to live with a sense of purpose, drive, and zeal.

Grateful to be able to write.

So, I put on my pretty church dress, pearl earrings and shine.  :)

What are you grateful for?  Hint: It’s something simple you probably took for granted.

Grab that extra ammo and let’s shine.

And kick monster-tushy. :-P

Tags: , , , , , ,

Tender cheesy corn.

14 Dec

Disclaimer:  I’m totally overflowing with love an’ stuff.  I am a nessdehotmessdedness and proud of it.  So I had like, a daydream, totally hypothetical you know… But it’s incredibly sappy and corny.  So if you get turned off by glorious poetry that makes Roses are red, violets are blue look like a Dunbar lyric, please look away now.

Thank you for playing.

For the rest of you…  I encourage you to smile, laugh hysterically, roll your eyes, what have you with the Kogi tender twice marinated bbq I offer below.

I dreamt about the perfect man for me… He would be incredibly sexy, intelligent and caring.  Built like an Adonis, classically handsome.

He would rub my feet when they ached… Cook me soup and take care of me when I was sick… Sing to me about how much he loved me and shout it for everyone to hear… He would do the most thoughtful things… All without my asking, to make me smile.

He would stare at the stars with me and listen to the wind.  He would turn himself inside out for me to see, understand, love deeper.  He would be trustworthy, a leader to follow.  I would turn to him for direction, for support, for help.  He would soothe me, inspire me, excite me, challenge me.

He would have family and friends who loved him.  He would be positive, hard-working, loyal, sensitive, funny and sweet.

He would dance with me like we were made for each other.  Listen to me like he’d known no other.

He would always, always find a way to take care of me, turning the ordinary into the extraordinary and the mundane to magic.  He would let me in and never let me out.

He would adore and revere me, and in respect, turn to me for guidance second: God first… Unless he needed reminding…

We would love in love, with the peaceful certainty that we would weather and grow from any challenge we faced together or apart.  He would hold me close and make me feel safe and protected when fear attacked.  He would delight in me and I in him.

We would laugh until we cried, cry until we laughed, fallen tears kissed. Everyday we would learn more about each other, falling deeper.

He would remind me of who I am when my mirror is obscured,  enshrouded.  His spirit would laugh and dance and play and grow with mine.

Daydreaming is wonderful.

Tags: , , , ,

Barbie Doll: Product Specifications

28 Sep

It’s no secret I had a thing for Barbies as a little girl.  Yes, I used past tense. I’m the author here.  Whether I enjoy playing with my niece’s Barbies is none of your business.  Find your inner child.

Ok.  So I listed out the fifty fab actions ladies should expect from their Ken Doll friends, or even special edition mates… http://tinawatkins.wordpress.com/2010/09/23/ken-doll-product-specifications/Now we’ll look at what should be expected of us ladies.

Men, know that a real woman does these things.  Without asking, prompting, showing.  If she doesn’t, maybe she needs help, coaxing, advising from her Ken Doll pal to step her game up. Let’s get right for each other.

I got a little distracted while trying to do the Ken Doll list, so for Barbie let’s just say this is all about your special limited edition.  E.g., the one and only for which the Ken and Barbie androgynous special parts fit specially together.

Barbie Product Specifications: If your Barbie Doll fails to perform any of the following Fifty Fab Actions please return to the manufacturer with proof of purchase.

  1. Enjoy life
  2. Be positive, optimistic and proactive
  3. Showcase her beauty to its fullest
  4. Be supportive
  5. Take care of herself
  6. Dress up
  7. Smell wonderful
  8. Cook/bake/bartend
  9. Clean
  10. Decorate
  11. Follow
  12. Be caring; gracious; graceful; strong
  13. Be sexy; seductive; inviting
  14. Be vulnerable; clear; open
  15. Be brilliant; resourceful; creative
  16. Rub your back
  17. Hold your hand
  18. Kiss your head
  19. Catch your eye
  20. Touch you gently
  21. Guide you subtly
  22. Expect your best
  23. Give her best
  24. Listen with an open, retentive mind
  25. Talk with a gentle tongue
  26. Act with purpose
  27. Love without fear
  28. Correct you privately
  29. Praise you; Celebrate you
  30. Remember and do what you like
  31. Know what she wants
  32. Do what she likes
  33. Honor you
  34. Respect you
  35. Challenge you
  36. Encourage your growth
  37. Be fun
  38. Be spontaneous
  39. Refresh your drink
  40. Make your plate
  41. Provide a sense of order
  42. Give you an eyeful
  43. Flirt
  44. Help you relax
  45. Give you space
  46. Celebrate life; Success; Challenges; Holidays; life
  47. Be free
  48. Appreciate, and do the little things
  49. Understand what you’re saying
  50. Let you play with her.  Did I ever claim this wasn’t fun?

Is that about right?

Tags: , , , ,

Ken-Doll: Product specifications

23 Sep

While at an amazing play over the weekend (www.bitchtheplay.com) I found myself giggling at a line in one of the monologues.  The character was swooning about the godly behavior of her mythical “One”… Because he showed up on time and opened doors.  Giggle.

Chivalry is not dead.  And I’m not spoiled rotten.  Spoiled, yes.  But I spoil too so it evens out…

Here we will list 50 things to expect from a man who knows how to treat a lady.

Even your buddies should be doing these things up to item 30. It’s stuff Daddys do.  Help them step their game up for the special Barbie they’ll find by putting them on point now.

I’ll be honest, as a do-it-yourself Daddy’s girl with a tool belt and strength to baffle many men, my man had some training to do… And I’m a pretty well-domesticated animal.

This is not a challenge to your superwoman strength or capacity, rather a display of respect and honor.  Don’t worry. A handy list for the ladies will follow.

For you fellas who aren’t sure… Do this, without prompting.  Women will swoon and your game will skyrocket.  Enjoy it.  Should you need instructions or tips on the following, let me know and I’ll explain each in detail.

Ken Doll Product Specifications: Should your Ken Doll malfunction, or fail to perform the following Fifty Fab actions, please return to the manufacturer with proof of purchase.

  1. Open doors
  2. Be on time
  3. Call if late (<–Before arrival time)
  4. Walk closest to the curb
  5. Guide you when walking together through a crowd
  6. Help you take off your jacket
  7. Wait until you’re seated to sit
  8. Pull out your chair
  9. Offer his seat if standing
  10. Carry more stuff than you do
  11. Make sure you never walk anywhere alone at night
  12. Move big stuff
  13. Move heavy stuff
  14. Move ugly stuff
  15. Kill or scare things
  16. Check on scary noises
  17. Take out the trash
  18. Give you his jacket
  19. Cover you if it’s raining
  20. Help or lift you over puddles
  21. Handle all things fiery
  22. Handle all things vehicular
  23. Help you up and down steps
  24. Help you in and out of cars
  25. Make sure you’re never out late alone
  26. Stand up for you
  27. Help you out when you need a hand
  28. Listen when you need an ear
  29. Advise when you need wisdom
  30. Correct when you need checkin’
  31. Direct when you need leadership
  32. Pick you up for dates…
  33. And drop you off (bukkit-nekkit?)
  34. Drool when you wear minis
  35. Attack when you’re bukkit….
    Sorry.  I got distracted.  Um.Chivalry.  Stuff he should do.  Clearly this morphed into something else around number 30.  (Blushing)

    No matter.  So… For the Ken doll in your life whose special parts weren’t melted into a permanent shield… I continue with specs for your special Ken doll…

  36. Handle it.
  37. Take care of it.
  38. Cover it.
    Note: If 36 to 38 seem vague or cryptic now, wait ’till the love of your life utters those little words to you and check back.
  39. Make things ok
  40. Rub your feet if you’re weary
  41. Rub your back if it’s sore
  42. Rub your… DANGIT!  This is hard.
    Refocusing.
  43. Soothe you
  44. Dress up for you
  45. Smell nice for you
  46. Take care of himself
  47. Do nice things for you just because
  48. Center  you
  49. Adore you
  50. Make your relationship top priority

Mind you, this is not for you if your interest is in the garbage pail kid type:

Now… In case any of you ladies or gents (who obviously don’t know me) thought the ladies were about to be pampered free of charge…

Barbie product specifications are next: http://tinawatkins.wordpress.com/2010/09/28/barbie-doll-product-specifications/

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 223 other followers