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How to get your love to do anything you ask… All the time.

31 Jan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“No.”

A simple two letter word.  It is rarely used in my growing relationship with my love unless followed by the word, “problem”.

More often, the hint of a request gets interrupted fast, with an enthusiastic “Yes” before I can finish.

My love is the leader in our relationship.  He has a brilliant mind of his own.  We disagree healthily.  We respect each other’s opinions.  We ask for and consider each other’s advice seriously.

And I’m pretty sure he will do anything I ask, and I will do the same.  Happily.

This is not a trick.  It is not a game.  It is real and I’m here to tell you how to do the same, step-by-step.

How to get the man or woman you love to do anything you ask… All the time.

1) Be happy.  You already have everything you could ever need or want: If that ain’t a reason to get happy I don’t know what is.  If you’re already happy and content the odds of someone else messing that up are slim to none.  And in case you didn’t know, one of the main reasons people won’t do what you ask is because they’re afraid of messing up.  Because they care about you.  When someone who is really happy asks me for something I get excited. You just know they’re asking for something that gives you a chance to do something awesome.

2) Never ask for anything that can’t be given freely.  It really sucks to have someone ask you for something you can’t give.  Happy people don’t do this to people they love.  Asking and giving is a gift exchange between two people.  Make them less or more powerful and you will make a mess.  Imagine if someone you loved asked you to promise them something you had no power to give them?  Your heart would be halfway broken.  You might even resent them for putting you in that position.

Newsflash:  People can’t give you feelings.  They can’t give you themselves.  They can’t give you an easy way out.  So stop asking them to make you happy/feel loved/ feel secure.  Stop asking them to be yours/ commit/ change.  Stop asking them to cover for you/ fix this/ make your life easier.  These are things which, if you had a handle on being whole, you wouldn’t need.  And wouldn’t be asking of someone who was also whole.

3) Know the difference between what you need and want.   Needs and  wants are like apples and pork chops.  They’re both food but boy are they different.  They look different, are made-up differently, have different effects and tastes, and come from a different source.  Usually our wants are coming from not having a grip on our happiness, or being with someone who doesn’t (which is a result of the former.)  That’s why folks often want things they can’t have.  Our needs can always be met.  When we are whole, we can have everything we need, whenever we need it.  When we’re not, our needs are endless and wants constantly unmet.

4) Know how to ask.  The silliest question ever is, “Can I ask you a question?”  It’s asking permission to do something self-permitted.  You’ve already taken time by holding someone’s ear and the act of asking negated the answer.  No adult has to do anything we ask.  Sorry to break it to you.  Not your son, your daughter, your wife, your husband, your maid, your boss, your life coach.  Not one.  People choose their actions.  If the first item on this list is an issue for you, you may try to use any number of clever tricks to get people to do what you ask.  You must also know those tricks don’t get them to do what you asked, they simply warp reality to make it seem your way is the best and only option.  Manipulation shrinks everyone involved and no one wins.  Remember this when asking and make sure the process is as kind, open and love-filled as possible.  If you’re having such a bad moment you think it’s best to yell, curse, threaten and be angry when asking someone else to do something for you… Do both of yourselves a favor and be alone for a minute or 60…

5) Expect and receive only the best.  When you’re whole, you know nothing but good is coming your way.  Not because you’re delusional.  Because you realize even the hard stuff is good ’cause you learn from it.  When you’re broken, you might think you have to take the good with the bad.  Then everything gets mixed up.  Knowing you only deserve the good makes it easier to see what really is bad and keep it away from you.  That’s all you get.  That’s the best.  When this is your reality, every thing you ask for will be the best. Every time anyone does what you ask, it will be the best.

At the end of the day, the answer to any question you ask may well be “no”.

When you really aren’t worried about getting “no” for an answer, you rarely will.

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How to REALLY get (and keep) the love of your life..

6 Dec

Years ago, I was single.  And I got some really perfect advice about avoiding the hotmessdedness that is the inevitable outcome of  the single-and-looking process.

I was told to be careful what I wished for.

At the time, I asked myself:

  • Do you really want to meet more people or do you want to rediscover yourself?
  • Do you really want to be dating people or do you want to be fulfilled in dating yourself?
  • Do you really want to be with one or do you want to be one with self, whole?
  • Are you really ready to be married?
  • Don’t you simply want happiness and contentment?
  • Then why are you looking for a goshdarned thing?

Too often, we look at symbols and idols and pretend they are either symptoms or causes of happiness.

Question: How do you get a man or woman?

Answer: You don’t.  You get you.  Focus on you.  The fact is, you don’t need a motherlovin’ thing to be happy but you.  Not a wife, or a husband, or a car, or a home, or a drink, or a dance, or a dress, or new shoes, or jewelry, or church, or pets, or family, or friends, or kids.

You know why?

Because all around the world there are people who have all of those things and are still unhappy.

You are the one constant in your life.

So.  The next time you find yourself yearning to change your circumstance, yearn to change yourself.  Figure out who you are.  What you like.  How you feel and why.

Grow.

Change.

Evolve.

Learn to love yourself like no one else can.  In the process, you will inch ever closer to the best version of yourself.   And why would you want to be anything less?  Why would you want to be with someone who wanted a lesser version of you? In life, we deserve to be surrounded by people who see and love our most divine selves, who uplift us: But it’s our responsibility to discern who belongs around us and in what role.

Question: How do you keep ‘em?

Answer:  Keep it up.  You have to take ownership of living your own life.  It is not lived for anyone else but you.  Even as parents, if you’re unable to care for yourself first your children will suffer immeasurably.  Maintain your sense of self.  Do the things you love.  Continually rediscover and explore yourself.

In an ideal romantic relationship, you won’t complete each other: Life is always growing and changing.  And you won’t love each other more than life itself:  That’s a suicide pact, not love.  You won’t ever know everything there is to know about each other, and yourselves:  Healthy people are constantly changing.

You want to know how to get and keep a really great relationship?

Revel in finding out and falling in  love with all there is to know about yourself, your spirit, your life first.

And never stop.

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Defining Mr. and Mrs. Right

31 Oct

As we approach cuddle season- also known as winter or oddly foggy and rainy season for Southern Californians- I’ve noticed some thangs.

I’ve noticed people commenting that Halloween is a chance for folks to secure their winter cuddle-buddy by indulging their dark alter egos for a night.

More importantly, I’ve noticed profound statements of love:

Lover’s reunions after decades and continents apart; Friends leaping in faith and courage and airplanes to pursue a life of love together; Marriages blooming as families grow; Unexpected soulmates committing to marriage ; Lasting relationships deepening, refreshing, renewing, growing.

As I revel in this glorious love fest on Monday, October 31st which happens to be Halloween and a week before my 32nd birthday, it highlights another thang.

There really are a lot of folk out there.

Good folk.

Men folk.

Women folk.

Folk who are smart, good-looking, healthy, kind, and arguably sane.  Some are all relationshiptondoned up.  Some are flying solo and sanguine.  Fine and skippy all around.

Awesome.

So of course this begs the question: In the midst of all these folk, how do you define Mr. or Mrs. Right?  As in, folk for folk to fall magically in unicorn-land love with.

There are many catchy sound bites answering the question of what defines Mr. or Mrs. Right:

  • Be the kind of person you would want to fall in love with.
  • Hold out for intense, butterfly-filled love.
  • Love yourself fully before you love another.
  • If they’re willing to wait for you, it can last forever.
  • If you let them go and they come back, they were and always will be yours.
  • If they get along with their mom, they’re a keeper.
  • If babies like them, they’re a keeper.
  • If puppies and kittens and other young mammals like them, they’re a keeper.

In my opinon, the messages that sum it up best, are about a woman who is everything a woman could be… And conversely what a man should be.  Check it out:

An accomplished woman, who can find? Her value is far beyond pearls.

Her husband’s heart relies on her and he shall lack no fortune. 

She does him good and not evil, all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax, and works with her hands willingly.
She is like the merchant ships, she brings her bread from afar.
She arises while it is still night, and gives food to her household and a portion to her maidservants.
She plans for a field, and buys it. With the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She girds her loins in strength, and makes her arms strong.
She knows that her merchandise is good. Her candle does not go out at night.
She sets her hands to the distaff, and holds the spindle in her hands.
She extends her hands to the poor, and reaches out her hand to the needy.
She fears not for her household because of snow, because her whole household is warmly dressed.
She makes covers for herself, her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known at the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes a cloak and sells it, and she delivers aprons to the merchant.
Strength and honor are her clothing, she smiles at the future.
She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the lesson of kindness is on her tongue.
She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise and praise her, her husband lauds her.
Many women have done worthily, but you surpass them all.
Charm is deceptive and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears God shall be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.

And for our gents:

My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, 
turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding— 
indeed, if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, 
and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, 
then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. 

For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. 


He holds success in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.

Then you will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path. 
For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. 
Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.

Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse, who have left the straight paths to walk in dark ways, who delight in doing wrong and rejoice in the perverseness of evil, whose paths are crooked and who are devious in their ways.

Wisdom will save you also from the adulterous woman, from the wayward woman with her seductive words, who has left the partner of her youth and ignored the covenant she made before God.[a] 


Surely her house leads down to death and her paths to the spirits of the dead. 
None who go to her return or attain the paths of life.

Thus you will walk in the ways of the good and keep to the paths of the righteous. 

For the upright will live in the land, and the blameless will remain in it; 
but the wicked will be cut off from the land, and the unfaithful will be torn from it.

There you have it.  Mr. Right is a wise, discerning, strong, ethical, faithful compassionate leader.  Mrs. Right is a wise, diligent, beautiful, successful, faithful, kind leader.

Doesn’t that make things simple?

Thanks proverbs.

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Dating decoded

13 Oct

Date.

It’s a simple four letter word with a simple meaning: An appointment for a particular time, (esp with a person to whom one is sexually or romantically attached).  Yet, somehow all sorts of hotmessdedness follows.

Friendships go down in flames of unrequited passion.  Businesses fizzle as harassment cases fly.  Relationships explode as cheating bombs are dropped.

All because of confusion about what does or doesn’t constitute a date.  Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away…  A long, long time ago…

There was a young woman who had a job.  At this job, she had coworkers. Among her coworkers was a man. An older man. An attractive man.  One day this man offered to bring her lunch.  She accepted.  Another day he invited her to go to lunch.  She accepted. Another day he asked her to go to dinner.  She accepted. This continued.  One day, he called her desk from his office.  He asked her if they could meet.  They sat down in the conference room.  He proceeded to talk for a long while.  Then she proceeded to respond for a shorter while.  Then he asked, “Are you breaking up with me?”  

The young woman looked at him and replied, “I didn’t know we were dating.”

Le sigh.

One of the reasons dating is easily confused is that it’s essentially an innocuous appointment.  And then there’s that (esp with a person to whom one is sexually or romantically attached) part.   That element is not easily defined.

What makes it tougher, is if you’re a really really awesome and honest person who’s totally in love it’s easy to actually turn down your radar for this stuff. Meaning, you’re so focused on and committed to your love nugget and the beauty of your love-fest, the last thing on your mind is whether any one else is relevant.  ’Cause they aren’t.  ’Till they are.

To help with this, relationshiptons typically agree to do things that keep them from running around bumping  hearts and tripping over broken pieces.  In a loving, trust-filled, committed relationship boundaries are pretty easy to agree on.

Almost every time, it’s some extrapolation on the simple agreement to be truthful.

That’s it.  Said a gajillion different ways, hopefully not beginning with “Thou shalt not.”

With trust comes the understanding that you won’t know everything all the time and don’t have to…  And the vulnerability of accepting the risk that something will happen you don’t like, which is ok.

The beautiful danger is, real trust leaves tons of room for error.

By definition, neither of you are worried about the possible outcome because you love-birds have each other’s best interests in mind, hearts in love, glittery butterflies flitting.

One day all is well and the next you’re both trying to figure out what the heck possessed you to think it was ok to find yourself on the third, second or even first date with so-and-so.

Sometimes it just ain’t clear.

Let’s adjust our lenses and get the low hanging fruit out of the way first.  These are all the fairly obvious signs you’re doing a little more than the average friend would, and are probably filling in the parentheses after the appointment definition of date.

When alone with a man or woman who ain’t yours, you can be more than 90% certain it’s a date:

  • If either one of you is sexually attracted to the other.  (If you don’t know, heaven help you and your significant other.)
  • If you ain’t told your love-nugget about it or they don’t know where you are.
  • If whatever you’re doing is an exclusive ritual you look forward to.
  • If it takes up a lot of your time.
  • If you’re traveling somewhere fah, a long long way from home.
  • If you’re going somewhere at night.
  • If you plan to pick them up at home.
  • If you’re doing something with lots of real couples (weddings, romantic restaurants, work functions, etc.)
  • When one of you pays for everything.
  • When you dress up extra goo-it.
  • If you feel compelled to play the we’rejustfriends card.

I know.  You’ve totally done some of this, right?  No worries.  Finding yourself in one of these situations doesn’t mean you’ve been untruthful, or done anything wrong.

Now, if at some point two months from now you’re still bumbling around among the rotten apples, that’s a different thang.  So those are the easy signs.

Then it gets murky…

There are some not-date scenarios where there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a date in disguise.  These are the fuel of a million classic moments where relationshiptons try to figure out how they missed the signs.

Some tips you are in fact on a date whether you intended to be or not:

First of all, any time you find yourself flirting in a way you wouldn’t if your man/woman were there, it has become a date.  Check yo’self fo you wreck yo’self.

Daytime one-on-one  (Lunches, brunches, beaches etc.) 

Date flags: Deeply intimate conversation is had.  You completely lose track of time.  Whatever y’all are doing makes passers-by assume you’re a couple and comment accordingly.  No matter how close you are, this is love-nugget land. If you think this is ok, do you.  Don’t call me to cry after the break-up.

Out with a mixed bunch of friends (movies/concert/beach, game night, etc.).

Date flags: Basically any time the group becomes background chorus line for your solo mission.  For example, finding a reason to carpool with a particular man/woman.  Spending more time with them than anyone else. Checking-in on each other for drink refills, food, comfort etc.  If you’re out with friends there should be balance… Why else are you leaning so hard?

Work meeting (conference/drinks/dinner/etc).  This is particularly tricky, because it’s safe to assume you can bend the low-hanging fruit rules. For example, spending a lot of time together,  dinners, traveling, etc. all ok.

Date flags:  You aren’t dressed for work (or depending on your line of work, the opposite.)  You say or do things inappropriate for your work environment (or depending on your line of work, the opposite.)  There is heavy drinking involved. You spend more time talking about stuff that isn’t work than stuff that is.

Great. Now what?

Most of the time, you won’t know until you’re already in the middle of it.  Yep, we just laid out a million ways to make mistakes you can’t prevent, take back, or feel bad about.

So what can you do?

Simple.

Truth.

Be honest, truly honest with yourself. Be honest, truly honest with your love-nugget.

If it turns out one of the above scenarios has been on instant reply in your life, one or both of you will recognize it.

Then comes the fun part.

You get to love it out.

;)

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Tempting…

9 Aug

Acceptance of infidelity as a probable inevitability in committed, monogamous relationships is the most retarded relationshiptondom puppy-kicker.

Them’s a lotta syllables.

Relationshiptondom is a big word.

Not abuse (I put the “not” in hood, don’t test me) and not unhappiness (have you seen my rainbows?)

You know why?  Because simply put, it’s utterly wasteful stoopiditay.

It means one of the relationshiptons has suddenly become too selfish and/or skurred to step up or step on.     Me no likey.  We can all be much better than that.

And nope, I haven’t ever cheated on anyone nor to my knowledge been cheated on.

I would honestly call my man in the process of undressing to call it off the temptation were somehow that serious.

It never is.

Ain’t nothing in the world that could make a healthy person truly in a healthy relationship step out.  Those of you thinking of myriad exceptions are, well, unfaithful.  If not in practice, in waiting.  In theory if you will.

What happens, is folks let things slide within themselves or their relationship until they’re no longer really healthy but they’re too lazy/selfish/stinky to fix or end it.

Then, floating along in this drunken haze of retardationshiptonness, they meet the ultimate scapegoat: Temptation.

Temptation did this.  Temptation wore that.  Temptation is just so fine and sexy.  Temptation and I were just friends until that fateful night.  Did you see how Temptation descended from the clouds in the suit with a martini dangling from his belt and slid right in?

So much attention, when Temptation is a minor symptom of a real problem.  It provides a belittling distraction for something that’s usually a deeper-seated issue.

Who gives a flying walrus poot what happens after Temptation steps in?

Temptation, by definition is something you want.

One of my favorite leaders teaches, a person who is circumstantially faithful isn’t really faithful at all.  Because as soon as the situation is right, they’re with it.  True faithfulness can’t be broken or interfered with.

And yes, that is a cold hard line but it’s the cold hard truth.  Yes, Temptation is there.  Even for the faithful.

It’s food, substances, sleep, tv, etc.  But when we stop to realize that it is because we want it that it’s tempting then we also have to ask ourselves why we want it.

I find a vodka martini very tempting and will drink it. Black Sambuca I’ll pass on.  My man very tempting and will attack him.  Others I’ll pass on.  It really is that simple.

Now, if I suddenly found myself spending every waking moment unable to resist the drunken pull of every vile tasting liquor on the planet…  Or perhaps more appropriately, opting for Black Sambuca because it was in a beautiful glass and closer to me on the table than my preferred vodka martini… At some point I’d have to acknowledge I had a drinking problem and get into introspection mode to fix some thangs.

Which is the healthy response to the identification of an unhealthy behavior.

Our flaws surface to shine light on areas we need to grow in.

We can stubbornly and ignorantly deny the flaw or excuse the need for self-growth, but the truth just is.

Somehow, however, folks find every reason under the sun to excuse infidelity, to excuse themselves, blaming Temptation, their crazy partner, the pain, the hot oil, bananas and cream.  It ain’t them, it’s you.

Instead of pointing fingers, we ought to find every way under the sun to share ways to overcome it.  (Handy list coming in 5…)

To be clear,  if you can imagine scenarios where you would voluntarily succumb to Temptation you are part of the unfaithful crowd.  (…4…)Don’t be embarrassed. (…3…)  There’s plenty of you around for company.  (…2…)I’d say y’all should hold hands but hey.  Hey.  Easy now. Don’t tempt yourselves… (…1…)

How to make Temptation a thing of the past:

1)      Practice being faithful.  When I’m single it’s like I’ve turned into a hormone-filled thirteen year old on Viagra (inwardly anyway.)  Anything and everything man-like looks attractive and gives cause for daydreaming.  When I’m not, my relationship blinders stay on.  Yep.  Blinders.  Blinders are the single handiest tool for the faithful.  Simply avert thine eyes.   Conditioning is a powerful thing.  No Pavlov.

For good measure, I may think about a quality- not a feature-a quality, I love about my man.  See, you go thinking about features and you start comparing… Done made everything worse.  Think about a quality you adore.

If you do that already, and still gots trouble…

2)      Be smart.  While I’m a firm believer in the idea that whatever we truly wish to happen will, I also have to admit some people are just a few skittles short of the rainbow sometimes.  I honestly can not think of a single scenario in which I would, sober and unthreatened, ever violate my relationship.  Know why?  ‘Cause at least ten steps before that scenario plays out I’m asking someone if they’ve lost their mind.  Then calling my man to laugh together about the hilariously idiotic exchange.  Be smart.

And if you think you’re being smart, but still know that won’t cut it…

3)      Don’t lie to yourself.  If for some reason, you really believe every man or woman in your friend roster is an innocent platonic relationship capable of withstanding all possible odds, you’se a dang lie.  I’m not saying cut anybody off but trust me, believing drunken cuddle sessions with your opposite-sex best friend are ok is a lie to yourself.  Get some boundaries for you and your uninvolved pal.  (Defining “platonic” vs. “uninvolved”:
http://tinawatkins.wordpress.com/2010/07/28/the-color-of-friendship-part-i/
)

Now, if you’re all blindered and smartened and boundaried up and still envisioning the many ways you’d stray…  Hey! Focus.

4)      Re-evaluate.  As true as it is that infidelity and Temptation have nothing to do with your partner, it’s also true that it is a symptom of illness.  Possibly in the relationship.  Maybe you’re not happy.  Maybe they’re not.  If it took reading this to look up and figure out it was time for a fix, perfect! Hop to it.  If it is truly as wonderful as you could ever dream, and you’re really being smart, blindered, and boundaried…  Well.

That underscores how badly you need to move onto the next step.

5)      Dig deep.  Yes, I’m going there.  If you can still imagine the very real circumstances where you would choose to step out, I’ve got news for you.  That is not normal.  That’s not just the way things are, the way most people are.  And I’m not passing judgment, just clarifying truth.

There’s something that has nothing to do with your behavior, your lifestyle, your friends, your relationship that makes you unfaithful… Wait.  Notice anything with my handy italics?

“You” showed up five times in that sentence.

Figure out where the root of your problem is and yank it.  Go back to youngin’ times.  It won’t be pretty.

Yayyy for finding fixer-uppers!

(Whispering) being unfaithful is both unhealthy and a form of hyper-sexuality.  No bukkit.

If, when you were a tinier chitterling, there was melted ice cream, family dysfunction, sunshine-stealing, abandonment, kitten-napping, abuse, or (heaven forbid) a cake shortage, the effect can manifest in adulthood:

Feelings of self-hatred, grandma-tripping, inadequacy, puppy-tossing, and insecurity can all masquerade as hyper- sexuality and other unhealthy behaviors.  (Shudder)

And we all want to love ourselves second-most  (your LorT, whomever she may be should be first).  We all want to be healthy and happy and chase rainbows together.  And we can!

Sharing is caring!

Please share, what has been your friend’s* experience with infidelity and either succumbing, being with someone who did, or overcoming it?  (*For anonymity’s sake.)

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Perverted statistics on marriage, divorce etc.

24 May

It is woefully tiresome to see studies conducted and data manipulated to pervert the idea of beauty and the wonder of love.  So tiresome in fact, that we should refuse to validate the preponderance of stoopit information by spreading it further.

It is wildly stoopit and irrelevant.

Yes, this range includes everything from racially biased attraction levels to genetically hardwired infidelity to racially biased scarcity myths to gender biased commitment issues.

Instead, let’s slowly saturate the info-lines with the opposite.

Let us pray for the sick and self-loathing scholars and their mind-numbingly ridiculous statistics proving we’re doomed because (some) people are less attractive, less committed, more divorce-prone, unfaithful, and childless.

For those who aren’t aware, statistics don’t mean a goshdurned motherflipflopped lintlicking thing.  All a statistic tells you is that someone decided they wanted to prove something, and designed some tests to prove themselves right.  Not wrong.  RIGHT.

Not only that, even when the statistics don’t support the claim, you can play with them however you want to drive your message home.

That said, statistics and studies are out there.  And since I like creating my own fun, I’ve decided to highlight some of the glory of love for my fellow lovers out there.

Lets party.

For starters, here’s a nice, plausible (albeit less entertaining) read on what, from a universal and biological standpoint, actually attracts men and women to each other, and no it does not have anything to do with race, income, hair or self-image:
http://www.livescience.com/7023-rules-attraction-game-love.html

Second of all, physical attraction is, on the grand scale of science, the Tyler Perry or TMZ equivalent of trash universally accepted for its entertainment properties over its substance.

Why bother?  A slightly more interesting scientific topic, because of its anthropological, cultural,  and socio-economic implications to name a few…

Is that of marriage.

So I’ll spout off arguably accurate facts to support my loverville-lifestyle.

Because really, who the flip has it out for love and marriage?  It’s an institute you can’t disparage this, I tell you brother…  It’s like statisticians nowadays actually took an oath:  We don’t care if we’re talking bananas and gorillas.  Eat the cake Ida Mae.  Believe what we’re telling you.

At some point after the 60′s it seemed along with the encouragement of singledom supposedly provided by every environmental and cultural factor humans can choose… Scholars decided to validate the concern that there was a sudden and indirectly proportionate relationship between the divorce and marriage rates, worsening over time (and the advent of rap music probably.)

Unfortunately, this and other ill-advised and unproven theories have poisoned general sentiment on marriage.

Don’t believe me?  Ask your own random sampling of your friends what they know about marriage statistics and the known causes for its success or decline.  With or without disclaimer I guarantee you they will respond with one or all of the following:

1) Most marriages end in divorce.

2) Fewer people are getting married.

3) No one values the institution of marriage anymore.

4) Infidelity is easier nowadays.

5) Gender roles are blurred nowadays.

Now…

Of those five, only the first two are actually relevant in terms of statistics, success or failure of marriage outside of Mr. and Mrs. Jones little bubble life.  The last three are impossible to prove one way or another.

So who cares.

As for the divorce and marriage rates… Correct me if I’m wrong, please… Why for how come, does data track divorces annually, which are singular events in time, then calculate the rate against the number of marriages formed annually, which is actually a perpetual state? Once you’re divorced you’re done.  No need to keep count.

Marriage numbers only grow and that isn’t factored into the equation. Using numbers for singular events against perpetual states, just doesn’t make any sense.  That’s like comparing the number of murders to the number of births to calculate the mortality rate.  It’s over simplified and will be inaccurate and unreliable.

Suffice to say, don’t believe the hype.  But if you had to, choose some positive hype! :)

Lest we miss out on the fun of statistics and sharing, allow me to present my own little warped reality… At least it’s hype promoting something positive and arguably follows pretty sound logic.

In Tinaland, also known as Rainbowville, also known as the US of A:

Did you know America is leading the world for the number of new marriages annually with a rate of 9.8? :) YAY! 
http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/peo_mar_rat-people-marriage-rate

In 2007, more than 2 million people got married, and there were more than 58 million already-married couples.  In the same year, there were only a little over 1 million divorces.

(Ahem) Now… According to my shallow research and very basic analysis that does in fact look like somewhere between ONE and TWO percent of ALL marriages end in divorce.  Not this ridiculous %50.  I have convinced myself that fifty really means, the number of divorces finalized annually equals half the number of marriage certificates issued annually.

I will continue to operate in this reality until someone proves otherwise.  Hop to it.

More statistics for you to get intoxicated on:

The US has seen a 144% increase in marriages since the 1960’s.  More than 7 million married women bore their first child and the birth rate to married women is at 60.3.  Save the babies.  (www.census.gov)

And, just for those who would love to fuss about how unhappy marriages typically are…

Nearly all of married couples sleep in the same bed (88%).

Nearly all of newlywed men and women are faithful (88% and 82% respectively).

The vast majority of married women are sexually satisfied, achieving orgasm during intercourse (71%).

The vast majority of married couples are in sex-filled marriages (85%) while very few are in sexless marriages.  (
http://www.examiner.com/sexual-health-in-national/bleak-relationship-statistics-to-delight-snarky-singles
)

Most people (85%) believe marriage is important for happiness in one’s lifetime.

Very few (26%) would be happy if never married.

The majority of people are either married or in a long-term relationship (56%) and ¾ of the single population are looking for love or companionship (72%) (
http://www.chemistry.com/relationshipcentral/rcfacts.aspx
).

Yep.  Love is so incredible that of the millions married, 3.5 million are actually in long distance marriages.  57% of the population is currently in or has been in a long distance relationship (
http://www.waiit.com/Long_Distance_Relationships_Statistics
).

(Gleefully releasing armfuls of butterflies, glitter, and champagne bubbles in to the air.)

Cheers to life and love in 2011.

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Korean Barbecue

11 Oct

Lovey-doveys often annoy the bejeebers out of folks.  Everyone knows one.  They’re the antithesis of the duo that makes you wonder why they torture each other by staying together, and what the global impact of their hated coexistence might be.  Flowers wilt and skies darken as they approach.

Lovey-doveys annoy because neither party has much limitation when it comes to frequent and inappropriate PDA, and there’s a lot of helpless infatuation floating around.  One of my best buds calls it twice-marinated-Korean-bbq-tenderness.  There’s a tagline for these folks: Making people everywhere nauseous since (insert anniversary year here).

What’s really funny is, PDA is just the wing on the fly on the tip of the iceberg for them.  So if what you see makes your gag reflex kick in, imagine when you’re not around.  Also typical though less acknowledged, lovey-doveys genuinely seem to be flippin’ ecstatic with each other.  This kick-starts not-so-good feelings for those of us who need more time with our journals and near-tears of joy for those who love love.

It’s time to admit that if folks learned a thing or two from these couples the world would be a better place.

Profundity and stuffs.

‘Cause too many folks flub up simple things after they’ve found someone they love. Huh?  Assuming you love someone, you know them.  Well.  It baffles me how folks can flub up a birthday, holiday, date or even a simple “Thank you.”  Then they get all fussy and stingy with their love like it’s love’s fault you bought your basketball-obsessed boyfriend tickets to the Icecapades for Christmas.  (Yes, that was both too ritardish and random to be a true reference.)

Not flubbing things up with someone you love is so simple:  Show them you love them.

To be fair, in today’s world of relationship sabotage many have been conditioned to reject displays of love… True romance… Like bacon and non-fried foods.

If you’re a literate adult and still really only interested in getting bukkit-nekkit with everyone except the one you care about, two points before you leave: (1) You don’t really wanna read my opinions on relationships at this point in your life.  (2) A gentle reminder: 
http://www.epigee.org/guide/stds.html

All others, ignore the nauseous nay-sayers and remember these love nuggets of romance.

1)  Dance together. You don’t have to be the next reality show star, or even have rhythm to dance with the love of your life.  Dancing frees the spirit and uplifts the soul… When you do it without self-consciousness or judgment.  So do it.  Or find someone you can with.

2) Talk together. If you need to, find discussion prompts.  Or someone you’re compatible with.

3) Drink each other in. Learn, love, enjoy, and rediscover everything about them.  Or find someone you want to do that with.

4) Enjoy nature. At some point, no matter how much either of you loves and can afford luxury, your relationship and dagnabbit your souls (thunderclap) will suffer… If you can’t fully appreciate the simple, priceless luxuries of life.  Nature’s are best: Mountain views, oceans, clouds, meadows, lakes… Figure it out and take it in together.  Or add life-long therapy and single-life to your list of necessary luxuries.

5) Recognize and engineer beautiful moments. Your recognition tools: An eye for anything that allows you to be still together right in its midst.  Whether home, the beach, an amusement park, a club… A niche of stillness is all you need.  Your engineering tools: Creativity, sense of adventure, Lover’s Toolkit.  More on that later… ;)

6) Garnish life with the extraordinary. Underscoring number 5 but it’s so critical…  Movie night? Smuggle in pizza and a cocktail.  Dinner?  Feed each other on a picnic blanket.  Conference call? Take it, nekkit…   Busy day? Squeeze in private lunchtime… In the car. Gardening? Start with a champagne toast.  Exercising?  Stretch together.  Then… Stretch together.

7) Find the silver lining and put a spotlight on that sukka. Perfect dates fail miserably in the eyes of love-free pessimists.  Horrifying dates become romantic lifetime memories in the eyes of loving optimists.  Which would you prefer?

8) Create, update and use your library. You should be learning about them every day.  You should also be retaining that information and applying it.  Simple touches like a favorite color, craving, or childhood memory turn everyday stuffs into stuff of legends.

9) Put your best foot forward. Who better to go hard in the paint for (Other than yourself?)  Straighten up your place for them, light some candles, wear their favorite scent, dress up for them, arrange that fried chicken just so.  For them.  They will recognize the effort and appreciate that little bit that shows you care.  And return the favor.  Are you thinking what I’m thinking? :-D

Praise and glory, praise and glory.

10) Appreciate them. Can’t underscore this enough.  You’re in love with the person of your choosing.  You love every unique and wonderful thing about them, including the way they love you.  Act like it! Or find someone who fits that bill. More detail here: 
http://tinawatkins.wordpress.com/2010/07/13/let-me-see-it/

Anywhere, anytime you can do this, do.  Or quit fakin’ the funk and get funky with it.

Suddenly I’ve an urge for barbecue.

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Barbie Doll: Product Specifications

28 Sep

It’s no secret I had a thing for Barbies as a little girl.  Yes, I used past tense. I’m the author here.  Whether I enjoy playing with my niece’s Barbies is none of your business.  Find your inner child.

Ok.  So I listed out the fifty fab actions ladies should expect from their Ken Doll friends, or even special edition mates…
http://tinawatkins.wordpress.com/2010/09/23/ken-doll-product-specifications/
Now we’ll look at what should be expected of us ladies.

Men, know that a real woman does these things.  Without asking, prompting, showing.  If she doesn’t, maybe she needs help, coaxing, advising from her Ken Doll pal to step her game up. Let’s get right for each other.

I got a little distracted while trying to do the Ken Doll list, so for Barbie let’s just say this is all about your special limited edition.  E.g., the one and only for which the Ken and Barbie androgynous special parts fit specially together.

Barbie Product Specifications: If your Barbie Doll fails to perform any of the following Fifty Fab Actions please return to the manufacturer with proof of purchase.

  1. Enjoy life
  2. Be positive, optimistic and proactive
  3. Showcase her beauty to its fullest
  4. Be supportive
  5. Take care of herself
  6. Dress up
  7. Smell wonderful
  8. Cook/bake/bartend
  9. Clean
  10. Decorate
  11. Follow
  12. Be caring; gracious; graceful; strong
  13. Be sexy; seductive; inviting
  14. Be vulnerable; clear; open
  15. Be brilliant; resourceful; creative
  16. Rub your back
  17. Hold your hand
  18. Kiss your head
  19. Catch your eye
  20. Touch you gently
  21. Guide you subtly
  22. Expect your best
  23. Give her best
  24. Listen with an open, retentive mind
  25. Talk with a gentle tongue
  26. Act with purpose
  27. Love without fear
  28. Correct you privately
  29. Praise you; Celebrate you
  30. Remember and do what you like
  31. Know what she wants
  32. Do what she likes
  33. Honor you
  34. Respect you
  35. Challenge you
  36. Encourage your growth
  37. Be fun
  38. Be spontaneous
  39. Refresh your drink
  40. Make your plate
  41. Provide a sense of order
  42. Give you an eyeful
  43. Flirt
  44. Help you relax
  45. Give you space
  46. Celebrate life; Success; Challenges; Holidays; life
  47. Be free
  48. Appreciate, and do the little things
  49. Understand what you’re saying
  50. Let you play with her.  Did I ever claim this wasn’t fun?

Is that about right?

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Ken-Doll: Product specifications

23 Sep

While at an amazing play over the weekend (www.bitchtheplay.com) I found myself giggling at a line in one of the monologues.  The character was swooning about the godly behavior of her mythical “One”… Because he showed up on time and opened doors.  Giggle.

Chivalry is not dead.  And I’m not spoiled rotten.  Spoiled, yes.  But I spoil too so it evens out…

Here we will list 50 things to expect from a man who knows how to treat a lady.

Even your buddies should be doing these things up to item 30. It’s stuff Daddys do.  Help them step their game up for the special Barbie they’ll find by putting them on point now.

I’ll be honest, as a do-it-yourself Daddy’s girl with a tool belt and strength to baffle many men, my man had some training to do… And I’m a pretty well-domesticated animal.

This is not a challenge to your superwoman strength or capacity, rather a display of respect and honor.  Don’t worry. A handy list for the ladies will follow.

For you fellas who aren’t sure… Do this, without prompting.  Women will swoon and your game will skyrocket.  Enjoy it.  Should you need instructions or tips on the following, let me know and I’ll explain each in detail.

Ken Doll Product Specifications: Should your Ken Doll malfunction, or fail to perform the following Fifty Fab actions, please return to the manufacturer with proof of purchase.

  1. Open doors
  2. Be on time
  3. Call if late (<–Before arrival time)
  4. Walk closest to the curb
  5. Guide you when walking together through a crowd
  6. Help you take off your jacket
  7. Wait until you’re seated to sit
  8. Pull out your chair
  9. Offer his seat if standing
  10. Carry more stuff than you do
  11. Make sure you never walk anywhere alone at night
  12. Move big stuff
  13. Move heavy stuff
  14. Move ugly stuff
  15. Kill or scare things
  16. Check on scary noises
  17. Take out the trash
  18. Give you his jacket
  19. Cover you if it’s raining
  20. Help or lift you over puddles
  21. Handle all things fiery
  22. Handle all things vehicular
  23. Help you up and down steps
  24. Help you in and out of cars
  25. Make sure you’re never out late alone
  26. Stand up for you
  27. Help you out when you need a hand
  28. Listen when you need an ear
  29. Advise when you need wisdom
  30. Correct when you need checkin’
  31. Direct when you need leadership
  32. Pick you up for dates…
  33. And drop you off (bukkit-nekkit?)
  34. Drool when you wear minis
  35. Attack when you’re bukkit….
    Sorry.  I got distracted.  Um.Chivalry.  Stuff he should do.  Clearly this morphed into something else around number 30.  (Blushing)

    No matter.  So… For the Ken doll in your life whose special parts weren’t melted into a permanent shield… I continue with specs for your special Ken doll…

  36. Handle it.
  37. Take care of it.
  38. Cover it.
    Note: If 36 to 38 seem vague or cryptic now, wait ’till the love of your life utters those little words to you and check back.
  39. Make things ok
  40. Rub your feet if you’re weary
  41. Rub your back if it’s sore
  42. Rub your… DANGIT!  This is hard.
    Refocusing.
  43. Soothe you
  44. Dress up for you
  45. Smell nice for you
  46. Take care of himself
  47. Do nice things for you just because
  48. Center  you
  49. Adore you
  50. Make your relationship top priority

Mind you, this is not for you if your interest is in the garbage pail kid type:

Now… In case any of you ladies or gents (who obviously don’t know me) thought the ladies were about to be pampered free of charge…

Barbie product specifications are next:
http://tinawatkins.wordpress.com/2010/09/28/barbie-doll-product-specifications/

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That good good…

19 Aug

Nothing is a more unexpected reminder of just how great you have it than bearing witness to another couple’s horrifyingly doomed relationship.

Optimist that I am, there’s no way around some of the glaring red flags flooding certain relationships…  When folks ignore a dangerous confluence of them, I thank my lucky stars and wonder how they got there.  Today, we’ll talk about a few red flags so dangerous all you can do is run.

On the last day of my girls’ trip to Vegas while soaking up sun by the pool… I happened to be next to random dude A (we’ll call him Bob) who was apparently in desperate need of relationship therapy.

I’ve a large forehead and my man is bald… Nowhere on those billboards does it flash, “Talk to me, I’ll listen!” But we individually and together find ourselves listening to and advising folks about all sorts of things. Perfect strangers, long-time friends, you name it.  I was on a solo mission this time.

Initially I was tempted to squash the conversation with Bob from the outset by pointing out it is NEVER a good idea to say anything remotely negative about your partner to the opposite sex.  <–Red Flag #1: Not. A. Good. Look.

I don’t care if they’re your best friend or a perfect stranger, this says: Not only is something wrong… You can’t figure it out with your partner and… Are willing to turn to another woman/man (obviously without their knowledge) for help.  At best, they will pity you and your partner, offering advise and condolences in lieu of saying, “RUN FAR AND FAST”. <–Unnecessary hotmessdedness. Save yo’self.

During the conversation a bunch of other red flags flew, each of which alone should be enough to make you run far and fast… All of them at once?!?   I do understand if you’re tempted to giggle while you read the following but this was TRUE.

Red Flag Menu: Pressure to marry (Becky (Bob’s gal) to Bob); Fake marriage proposalS (TWO!!!)(Bob to Becky); Living together unmarried*; No social life (Becky); Relationship not a priority (Bob); Few mutual friends; Obsessive behavior (Both B’s); Trust issues (Both B’s); Victimization (Both B’s); General suckiness at relationshiptonness; Emotional stupidity (Both B’s); Tolerating general psychoticness (Bob); Physical abuse (Becky to Bob).

*Yes, I’m an ardent opposer of the unmarried male/female roomie situation. Perhaps, fodder for another blog…

I could go on and on.  Basically, Bob felt like he was an idiot failure who was always messing up.  He literally joked that he wakes up wanting to apologize like, “Yo I know I’m gonna mess up today so I’m just gonna say sorry now in advance.”

He also feigned confusion about the wrongness of proposing to a bio-clock obsessed older woman TWICE, as a joke to test her and see if she’d accept.  He quickly understood the hotmessdedness of his ways when I flipped it for him…

When I asked if he’d think it was funny if she jokingly tested him by saying, “Honey, I’ve been sleeping with your best friend” to see how bad his temper is, he conceded, stunned by his bungholio ways.

Honestly though, even with the half-story filter on, he seemed like a good guy with a long way to go before being relationship ready.

I was saved by the bell thankfully, just after he revealed that Becky got violent after essentially hearing he was in the same room as an ancient ex of his named… Tina.

To make matters worse, the entire time I was there he must have talked to Becky nine times and never once mentioned he was chatting it up with me, which was both asking for trouble and avoiding it all at once.

Here’s why you have to run from these red flags:

That kind of relationship turns logic and communication upside down.

When you’re with someone you can’t trust, you can’t even do the things that build trust because of it!  You won’t give them space…  They won’t open up to you and ’round and ’round we go.

Pressure: Without exception, pressure only works in three situations: Cooking, massages, and controlling massive bleeding.  Even in corporate business negotiation it’s considered cut-throat and manipulative.  At best, pressuring your partner will land you an unprincipled, resentful weakling… Congratulations darlings!  Enjoy.

Tests: Testing your partner is also a slew of hot, hot boiling messdedness.  If you hunger for exams and performance evaluations go back to school and leave your partner alone.  Read more:
http://tinawatkins.wordpress.com/2010/07/31/testing-testing-123/

Living together: Opposite sex, unmarried roomies= Imminent doom.

No social life: Two people in a relationship should be coming in whole, with interests, lives, and friends of their own that they maintain.  This is why it’s important to have things in common.  If you don’t naturally fit, your lives wouldn’t converge at all.  As soon as independence, individual growth and living disappear your days are numbered. I don’t care how intriguing and exciting one of you is, it’s never enough for you both.

Priority: If you’re committed to someone, that person needs to be your second priority (you  first).   Certain aspects of your career, friends and family are inherently part of you, but that doesn’t mean they come part and parcel before your partner.  If you want an intimate relationship with someone who’s truly your team mate, they can’t sit second to your friends, family, work, karaoke night, fantasy football, workout schedule, girl’s night, crocheting, and porn addiction.  That’s like benching and blindfolding them, then calling when the game’s done to see how they would have played.  You’re both shortchanged.

No mutual friends: Ok.  Like I said, there have to be things you have in common.  You don’t need to be BFF’s with all their people.  How in the flip can you get along with someone in the long term when you secretly hope all their friends and family fall victim to the plague?  If you didn’t know, friends are a reflection. So it’s only a matter of time before you’ll end up wishing they die too.  This, is usually a side-effect of not having a life, also known as being socially inept.

No trust: Yeah… When they say trust is the foundation of a relationship, they mean it.  If you can’t tell someone something because you think they’ll flog you… Or can’t listen to someone because you think they’ll hurt you… That’s not a relationship.  It’s a dramatic booty call without the benefits. Heck, sometimes, without the booty.  (Shudder)  How come why fo’ lawd, is the bukkit-nekkitness gone?

Victimization: I’m annoyed even thinking about this.  The “woe is me” complex is a major pet peeve.  Woman up woman. Man up man.  Step or step up.  ’Nough said.

Relationship readiness: Not everyone is ready for a relationship and that’s ok.  Unless you’re in one. Get out and get it together.

Emotional stupidity: Here’s the obvious truth.  It’s BS to say you can’t help the way you feel and you just want to do whatever you can to make each other happy.  Utter bullhonkey.  Yes, feelings are real just like life events. Grown ups have to figure out how to deal with them.  Never forget none of us can do a goshdarned thing to make each other happy.  I said it, and practically sneeze rainbows.

People choose to be happy or not.  You have nothing to do with it.  Think about your negative, melancholy friend who seems to find something wrong with every possible scenario: They choose not to be happy.  There’s a difference between caring for and showing love to your partner and “making” them happy.  People have either figured out their problems or not.  You’re not gonna fix them.

Tolerating crazies: See above.

Abuse: This problem is so deeply ingrained in both parties it has nothing to do with their actual relationship. Working on it together will get them nowhere fast.  It’s like trying to fix the problem of why a cat and dog can’t procreate with fertility treatments.

Remember red flags are only a bad thing when ignored.

Pay attention.

And run.

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