Tag Archives: fear

Self-doubt and thanksgiving: You are never in question.

16 Oct

I’ve been privileged to spend time recently with friends who are an incredible inspiration, the kind of people who defy category and live abundantly in a way that always urges you to be better.

In self-reflection I noticed an interesting, albeit subtle common theme.

No matter how great or wonderful a given area of our lives looks from every perspective, with different lenses, and no matter how enlightened, learned, at peace and equipped we are…

Everyone doubts.  

Everyone gets scared.

Even if it’s just for an instant.

At some point, on some level, we question ourselves.

Never realizing that we aren’t ever in question.  We were made for a purpose, by the highest, most perfect power there is.  He doesn’t make mistakes.

That means…

Every second of every hour of every day, you are absolutely perfect. You are doing your very best, you are at your very best, you are giving it all you’ve got and working as hard as you can to be the best you can.  For you, for those you love, and everyone who may be blessed to witness your life.

You were born perfect.  And every day you’re alive you renew that perfection, with all you are.

No man’s burden is heavier or lighter than another’s.  But certainly, when the lie of self-doubt and fear tries to take hold…

The more responsibility we have, the more blessings, gifts, talents, love and sense of purpose we have…

Not only will that lie threaten you, but because you’re so awesome, you’ll add to it, worrying about how it will threaten those who look to you for leadership, guidance, love, direction, inspiration, parenting, healing and care.

Well.

Rest assured.

It’s a lie.  Everything is perfect, including you, just as you are right now, were before you read this, will be in the next moment and will continue as for the rest of your life.

We know this with unequivocal certainty because we can trust, completely, that nothing is random and there are no coincidences.

This isn’t a case of a poorly qualified, inexperienced, under-resourced, insecure, last-minute, short-sighted, shallow director making an assignment under duress.

You have been placed where you are, with what you have (which is exactly what you need by the way) in every second…

By the baddest, most brilliant, kind, loving, innovative, pure, bleeding-edge creative, perfectly peaceful leader for all time, who not only controls but creates every resource ever known or available to mankind… And whose timing and depth is endless.

So yeah.

Don’t waste any of His precious time whining about whether He made the right choice, which is what we do when we doubt ourselves. He knows exactly what He’s doing.

Next time you fix your mind to doubt, fix it on Him and say,

“Thank you.  I trust you.”

Five-year-old moments: Asking for stuff you have.

20 Sep

My mom once told me, be mindful of the messages the universe is trying to send you.  ’Cause it’ll keep sending them, louder and louder until you get them.

The message coming through loud and clear is that I’m doing way too much five-year-old asking. You know, where the kid stares at you expectantly with a mouth half-full of the cookies crumbling in both hands, tummy protruding… After they’ve asked “What’s for dinner?” I’m certain I did this and certain my folks laughed or fussed at me appropriately. Well.

Yesterday I sat, holding hands with a friend talking about how we both felt the need for… Wait for it… Friendship, support and advice.

Message.

Later that evening I sat around wondering how in the world I’d begin to do something everyone else in the room was an expert at.

Message.

Then, today I grumbled about not knowing the right people to get something done, and then while I got to grumbling about someone taking time away from my grumbling… That person introduced me to the folks I needed to know.

And this is me getting the message?

Apparently not.

The five-year-old cookie monster image is such a cute way to think about how silly we’re really being when w’ere more worried about future lack than present fruit.

It’s not as cute when something inside us falls apart, and maybe we treat someone badly who’s already at the end of their rope. Or maybe, we just miss someone we were supposed to learn from or share with.

We can hear something loud and clear and still fail to recognize when we’re meant to apply it.

So.

Today, three times in (I’m only counting the ones shared here today) I am determined to nip this in the bud.

No more will worry, which on some level is really fear that something won’t be/happen/come etc., morph into thinking something is missing, which is really disqualifying my resources.

The load test: Don’t cheat yourself with delusions about happy endings

11 Sep

One night my best friend and I were watching a really great kung fu movie, Curse of the Golden Flower.  The movie ending was abrupt, anti-climactic, irresolute and inconclusive.  It left us with no sense of reconciliation, optimism, perseverance, or any of those other happy-ending feelings so typical of most movies.

As the ending approached, my friend cried out in horror:

“No!  Oh Lord, No! This is NOT the ending. Stop it.  YOU, stop that!  Stop it right now.”  

Funny as the moment was, we could have stopped the film but it wouldn’t have ended.

It was done.

In the film, a family fell apart, destroyed by greed, lust, hatred and power.  We reflected afterward, realizing and accepting that as terrible as it felt, some things are just tragic:

There is no way to prettily correct and quickly soothe the wrong that doesn’t dismiss and belittle the tragedy itself.

Tragedy is.  

All we can know is what we learned.  And sometimes all we learn is just how much we can handle.

September 11, 2001.

The world certainly was different.

Who knows what might have been.

Would we have been at war?  Would Bush have been reelected?

Maybe.

Maybe Katrina would have turned out differently.  Maybe Obama wouldn’t have been elected.  Maybe Citizens United wouldn’t have happened.

Maybe people wouldn’t think George W. Bush or Osama bin Laden when they heard the term Christian or Muslim.  Maybe hate crimes would have been fewer.  Maybe the world would be less black and white, good against evil, occidental vs. oriental, rich vs. poor.

Maybe not.

We can’t know.

What we can do is trust, that we have farther to go.  The ending of that film invited the viewer to accept the gravity of the tragedy, then resolve it for themselves.  It left us with responsibility for what comes next.

The resolution and happy ending  filled with love and joy can’t be given to us, we have to make it.  Otherwise it’s as meaningless as the superficial joy brought by any other love for purchase.

There’s strength in knowing there’s more ahead and the painful past is a tool of refinement to learn from.  It’s difficult to trust though, especially if we don’t know who we’re trusting in.

So for some, there’s a desperate need to understand: For it all to make sense.

Some find security in knowing we won’t ever understand:  Because if man could, that would mean man’s intellectual capacity were equal to that of God.

And what kind of God would that be?  To me, it’s far more reassuring to know the world rests in the hands of the infinitely good, Great Unknown whose thinking is light years beyond my own.

That is very black and white.

So I try, with every wound and every scar, every moment of anguish and desperation to look at what it really says about me: What can I handle?

That is our load test.  The scary danger of the load test is that it always puts the subject at risk.

By definition though, if the subject doesn’t break under the load it’s strong enough to bear it.

The only way to determine maximum operating capacity is to increase the load.

Unlike machines, we grow and change and develop constantly as we’re operating.  So… As long as we’re alive we’ll continue to be tested as our capacity increases.

Accept it.

A machine wouldn’t flip out, rust up and run into a corner to drink and party itself to death because the technician entered the building to administer the test.

Readiness is all that’s needed.

Let’s stay ready, stay reverent, trusting.

Empowered refusal: If_____, then _____. vs. Is_____, and_____.

5 Sep

Doubt,  mistakes, anger, fear,  judgment, weakness, hatred, confusion, disloyalty, discord, disqualification and unworthiness all come from a mindset of:

If __________,

Then_________.

Love, joy, peace, faith, hope, power, wisdom, strength, hope, excellence, acceptance,  unity and order all come from a mindset of:

Is__________,

And ____________.

We’re here.  We’re alive.  We’re perfect just as we are.  There is no contingency, qualifier, or prerequisite for us to be ready, worthy, or able.  We’re not yesterday’s mistake, last year’s distress, or childhood defeat.  And neither is any one else.

So what qualifies you to say otherwise, and more importantly… What damage is done to ourselves and others when we choose the mindset of fear, doubt, and contingency?  How could we even know what we’ve held back from ourselves or someone else by refusing?

Refusal isn’t always, “No.”  More often we refuse by saying,

“If _____, then.”

The easiest way to win a battle is to keep your enemy from ever showing up to fight.  Battles are over when one side is unable or unwilling to fight.  How often do you not even show up because you refuse, assuming you’re not going to win?

Thinking in a pattern of

If, Then

is refusing to show up for your own life.

Operating from a place of

Is, And

is accepting the fact that as long as you’re breathing, who you are, where you are, and what you have is all you or anyone else needs.  This is your life, it is the right time, everything is ready, all you need is here and, you’ll win.

Be careful not to disqualify yourself or any one else from success.

You never know what fight will be lost as a result of empowered refusal.

Can’t vs. Won’t: Where ability and willingness collide to create roadblocks.

1 Aug

Constant self-development is a fascinating feature.  Every moment you find yourself uncovering something new and different… And when that isn’t happening, you find yourself wondering, “Why not?”

That’s the question.

What’s stopping you?  

At what point did you get bound up, blindfolded, gagged, deafened, starved, hobbled, isolated and disoriented to the point where you just can’t?

That hasn’t happened yet and never will.

What happens instead, is that you won’t.

Can’t is the state of being unable and willing.  
Won’t is the state of being able and unwilling.
When you let ability and willingness collide they form roadblocks in your life, a halting confusion of self-deceit that keeps you from moving forward.
How ridiculous is that?
I mean, can’t you just picture a 4 year-old crying incessantly and pitching a fit and hurting themselves because they want chocolate… But refuse to get up to grab the Godiva on a silver platter on the table?
Everyone’s problems look insurmountable to them, while they’re happening: Otherwise, they wouldn’t have a problem.
Maintain perspective and remember there’s more.  And nothing can stop you.
There is nothing in life that will prevent you from realizing your purpose.  In fact, things will align for you as you start to progress toward it.  Yes, you will meet with violent opposition too, but as that happens you’ll have increasing capacity to overcome.

There’s nothing you can’t do, only things you won’t do.

There is plenty in you that will prevent you from realizing your purpose.  Feelings of guilt, shame, fear, doubt, rejection, inadequacy will lock you up and throw away the key.  Why bind and limit yourself?

Let it go.

Get out of your way.

Stop magnifying things you won’t do and calling them impossibilities.

Quit pretending “you don’t feel like it” is a big deal, or any excuse not to live your dreams.

Get down to business.

You are willing and able.

You can and will.

Go.

A little story…

25 Jul

Once upon a time, long ago, in a land far, far away there lived a young man, with a wildly adorable cocker spaniel puppy.  He woke up one morning, swung his feet over the bed and saw a red stain on his floor.  ”What in the world?” He thought.

Tired of cleaning up puppy mess, he dutifully scrubbed the spot clean, but the stain just wouldn’t go.  After some real serious thinking, he covered it with a rug.

Wouldn’t you know, the next week he found yet another spot, on the rug.  Frustrating as all get-out.  He cleaned the rug, but the darned stain still would not come out.

He threw away the rug, and bought a red-colored rug to mask the stain.  ”Brilliant,” he thought, “Now I’ll never have to worry about that pesky stain again.”

Weeks passed, and the man no longer saw the stain.  One morning, he woke up and smelled something foul.  He searched for the source and couldn’t find it.

The puppy came into the room at that moment and began scratching at the rug, then scratching at the man’s slipper and whimpering.  He looked up at the man with his puppy dog eyes and the man, annoyed, carried him out of the room and shut the door.

Then he had an epiphany.

“I’ll buy seven rugs, and keep track of which ones are dirty and clean so there’s never a stinky rug again!”

Pleased with himself, he put his plan into action.

Months passed and his bedroom was stain and stench-free.  Then one morning he noticed the tip of his favorite pair of fluffy slippers was red.

And stinky.

“Oh HECKY no!” He bellowed.  He grabbed his puppy, took off the slipper and shoved the filthy shoe in the puppy’s cute little face.  The puppy licked the man’s nose.  Fed up, the man put the puppy down and sat with one bare and one slippered foot, his head in his hands, fuming.

All of a sudden he felt an achy, itchy feeling on his foot.  He looked down to see his puppy staring up at him, pawing his foot, which was bleeding.

Stunned, the man inspected his foot to see he had an open sore on his toe that was becoming infected.

He cleaned the sore and went to the doctor to figure out what was going on.  After running tests, the doctor explained that he had an ulcer on his foot, caused by early-onset diabetes… Caused by years of eating like he was about to die of starvation and the only available sustenance was doughnuts and fried or starchy food.

The doctor explained the sore would heal with proper care but until the man regulated his eating, his health would continue to cause him problems.

The man went home, treated the ulcer, and turned his diet and life around completely.

Years passed.

He sat in his bedroom reading.  His beautiful wife of four years and one-year old daughter sat on the floor in the bedroom, playing with the cocker spaniel, who kept sniffing at and licking the floor.  His wife looked to her husband, concerned.

“Honey?  What’s wrong with him?”

The man looked at the faded red spot the dog was sniffing at and smiled wistfully.

“He’s remembering how he saved my life, sweetheart.”

We can’t afford to constantly mask symptoms of a problem instead of searching out the root.  Ignoring the source of the issue puts lives at risk.

The topic of the day, brought into focus because of the recent tragedy in Colorado, is guns.  People everywhere want answers and fall into one of two camps: We need more guns, so we can protect ourselves, or we need more gun control so the government can protect us.

Gun violence is the stain in America’s hardwood floor.  Gun control laws, more guns are cleansers and extra rugs.  The 2nd amendment is the stained slipper.  In this case, the root health problem is fear.

Our nation was founded in flight and fear.  There’s only one cure for that.  Thankfully, as long as we’re alive our prognosis is good.

What is the root of this problem?

The root is not how the young student ended up with firearms.

It’s not American weapons manufacturing and industry.

It’s not 2nd amendment constitutional rights.

It’s not about who the constitution was written for, which was people who were neither negro nor female.

It isn’t about our founding fathers decimating the indigenous people of this country.

It isn’t about building violence and war into the fabric of a country.

It isn’t about the fear that drove our founding fathers out of their homeland.

This is about something much greater than steel, ammunition and politics.

It’s about life.

Who governs yours?  What power do they wield?  If it ain’t the power to turn a human’s heart from evil to good, careful what you expect.

At best, our fellow men with all good intentions, will have fantastic floor cleaners and a wide variety of rugs, slippers, band-aids and insulin.

There’s only one source of true healing.  Focus on Him, and everything else falls into place.

Faith- Song lyrics

27 Jun

Pain:

A sweet and oily ominous warning.

Trust:

Abandon, all surrendering, nothing knowing.

Blood:

Poisonous, precious, life and death,

Slow coursing, cycling,

Pure and light-filled.

 

Love.

Of all these, love.

Love.

 

Touch of skin warm with life,

Laughter floating formed in strife,

Ever failing ever ripe,

Deeper, deeper, deeper, still.

Deeper, deeper, deeper, still.

 

Love.

Of all these, love,

Love.

 

Gaze at you lit with life,

Tears outpouring, all is right,

Always living all ways life,

Higher, higher, higher, still.

Higher, higher, higher, still.

 

Trust

Abandon all-surrendering, nothing knowing.

 

Love.

Of all these, love,

Love.

 

 

 

 

Written June 16, 2012

By Tina Watkins

Flying high: Navigating and surrendering to change.

22 Jun

When pilots navigate, they steer the plane based on information they can trust.  Information that is so certain and infallible, if it were ever inaccurate that would be the least of their troubles.

I can only imagine the vertigo and confusion to be found in ascending to such a height, then trying to move forward by squinting back down at Earth, trying to make sense of landmarks gone before you see them.

I can only imagine the disorientation and malfunction caused by misunderstanding or ignorance of trusted information provided, searching frantically for a guide, direction, of any kind in the chaos.

I can only imagine the danger and risk inherent in resistance, questioning the information provided and ultimately crossing arms over chest, shutting eyes and refusing to engage.

We are always growing, changing, developing in ways we couldn’t dream or imagine.  In the midst of change we are strengthened in the knowledge that while everything we know slips away, we have trusted information to rely on to get us to our destination so we must surrender and stay engaged.

We should always make sure to rely only on those infallible, unquestionable truths in life.

If ever there’s a question, this is the best source.

Image

Ensnared

12 Apr

Ensnared

Are you really ready to run your race? What have you chained yourself to that’s going to hold you back from speeding across your finish line? Freehand ink drawing, April 12, 2012

The shield of friendship

21 Mar

Last night I dreamed I was in a foreign country, sitting in a park at sunset with a great friend.  In the distance, someone approached and I sensed they meant to come between us.

As the person grew closer, I kept them in my line of sight, aware but never alarmed.  My friend never noticed them advancing and I never alerted them.

Eventually, the person was standing right next to us.  My friend still hadn’t noticed them.  When this person realized they held no one’s attention and saw how close our bond of friendship was, they turned and disappeared silently.

Rather than worrying about your challengers, engaging with them, or burning energy strategizing their defeat, nurture your relationships with your allies.  Stay full of who and what gives you strength, wisdom, power, love and peace.

When you have surrounded yourself with truth, with powerful love and friendship it creates an impenetrable shield that keeps those who seek to harm you away.

Truth, love and friendship act as an army that walks with us at all times, staring down those who would oppose us.

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