Tag Archives: happiness

Habitual Thinking: A fruitful mind feeds on fruit.

4 Apr

An old(ish) Adam Sandler movie, of all things, got me inspired to write about: Habitual thinking and how life-changing it can be to simply change the way you think;  How important rest isHow rest influences what we do when we’re not resting.

Now it’s time for practical steps.

Trust me, everyone needs to change their thinking habits.  Every day.  First of all, most of us have a lifetime worth of bad habits built in.  That means we’ve trained our minds to work wrong for decades.

How our minds work: In my high school physics class our professor had us build Rube Goldberg machines.  It was awesome.  You basically setup a small(ish) machine that does a simple household thing like turning off a light.  But it starts with a single object that goes through a series of crazy domino effects. Ultimately, the object, once it’s finished bouncing, flaming, steaming and bopping around, causes the simple household thing to be done.

This is basically how our minds work: We take one thing in to get us thinking (image/movie/book/conversation/etc.) and a lot of different things happen in a chain reaction to produce an outcome (feeling/ action/ speech etc.)  But the way we think, our habits are based on whatever life handed us.

Yikes.

So typically, we all have maybe a few of these thinking machines: Us at our best, us at our worst, and us on an average day.  Those are our habitual thought patterns, or autopilot space.  And we use them automatically, because they’re convenient and we literally don’t have to think about it.

But let’s say those machines or habitual thoughts are causing problems, like emitting poisonous gas… Or horrible ideas?  Or self-sabotage, self-defeat?

Your mind should produce fruit, not waste:

Like our digestive system, what we put or allow into our mind has an effect.  Depending on what we eat or drink, we may gain weight, have an allergic reaction, become intoxicated, energized, sick… Or healthier, more fit.

Depending on the information and concepts we feed our mind, we may become heavy-minded or react badly to the point of being uncomfortable…  We may malfunction and get out of touch with reality, have racing thoughts, or even a mental breakdown however minor or major… Or become more joyful, more at peace, clear, brilliant.

With our digestive system our organs are pretty much always going to do the same thing with food and drink: Help our bodies sift through what we put into it and pass out waste.  We have to produce bodily waste and we can’t change that.

A fruitful mind feeds on fruit:

But our minds are different.  We can change the way our mind works so we never produce waste.

We don’t have to let in anything that creates a waste byproduct.

We don’t have to turn anything into waste once it’s let in.

What we take in matters a lot.  What our mind does with it once it’s taken in matters even more.  If you’ve ever had a bad day that seems to start from the moment you wake up, or been swallowed by grief, you know exactly what I mean.  Everything, no matter how extremely wonderful it is, will appear opposite because of your mindset.

That’s what happens all day every day when your mind is wired to produce waste instead of fruit.

Rewiring it isn’t hard, but it does take persistence.

Mind-food:

The music, lyrics, TV shows, movies, articles, facebook and twitter info, people, conversations, books and gatherings we let in are all literally food for thought.  So what’s in your mind diet?  Why?  If it isn’t full of encouragement, honesty, optimism, you’ve opted into the McDonald’s version of food for thought.  It will not supersize your mind.

I know we’re passively fed information through advertisements, media, and our environment constantly but we don’t have to be.  Exercise some control over what you’re exposed to so the balance shifts positively, for just a day.  Feel the difference.  Keep it up.

The world seems full of terrible tragedies, hurt, and pain, yes.  But it’s really full of love, inspiration, joy, overcoming and miracles.  That’s not what we’re fed by the news, talk shows, music, or movies… Or even, sometimes, our friends and family.

You deserve to be uplifted every second of every day.  To be told how amazing and wonderful you are.  To believe how capable, and powerful you are.  To be fearless.  Unafraid of failure.  To be shown new and inspiring ways to be better, bigger, a more awesome you than you already are.

If you feel repelled by those things, why?

It’s just you.  You can fight it, but it’ll still be the reality of who you are.

Love on yourself.

Begin the fruitful process of changing your thought habits by changing your mind-fuel.  Then we’ll talk about making sure our thoughts always produce fruit.

Never alone: Always in love.

14 Feb

HeartRomance begins with you.

Love on yourself today and everyday, so your relationship reflects healing and wholeness now and in the future.

Relationships are not two people completing each other.  They are two hearts reflecting two spirits, enhanced.  So the condition of your spirit is magnified.

If it isn’t right alone, it will just be worse with someone else.

Relationships are not two people using themselves up in an attempt to offer fleeting earthly symbols of love for each other.  They are two friends, walking, running, dancing, resting, and stumbling together down the path of life, learning, changing, loving, and drinking in the glory as they go.

If the journey isn’t more important than the destination you’ll end up attached and lonely all at once.

So to everyone every day, who celebrates love with the simple act of thinking, nourishing, cleansing, smiling, caring, changing, listening, giving, feeling, trying…

For themselves, others and the world especially when these, the easiest things seem hardest to do and at that moment for that reason, matter most…

Thank you.

I love you.

‘Cause you’re alive and that means you’re worthy of it.

For the men: Relationship advice and affirmations fit for a king.

16 Jan

In today’s world of hurting and imperfect people, far, far too much time is spent feeding lies about men.  About women too, but that’s another discussion.  Today, even as I thank God to be with the most amazing man I’ve ever known, the reality is my hurts and imperfections used to keep me from affirming him in the truth.  And we’ve had an amazing relationship!  But it wasn’t good God enough.

Still far from perfect, but I know:  The truth is, every single one of you is already a powerful, strong, good, successful, faithful, sensitive, committed, loving provider who is or will be an incredible leader, husband and father.

Too often, television, movies, videos, music, advertisements, articles, studies, books, families, employers, and even the church, men, and us women… Are like an endless stream of y’all can’t do right and y’all need to get right so y’all can be right.

When it seems like the world is lining up against the truth about you, what the flip is a man to do with that?

Maybe, you can struggle and succeed against the odds, then ignore the isolation and unrealistic expectations when you’re heralded as the exception for all mankind.

Maybe, you can begrudgingly embrace what the world tells you about yourself and pretend it makes you feel good: That’s just the way men are.

Maybe, you know you need to work on yourself but it seems like there’s no space to do it without being judged, accused and labeled as statistic, reject or exception?

The truth:

You are perfect.

Just the way you are.

You are a man.

Just the way you are.

You are the best man.

You are enough.

You are strong.

You are a great provider.

You know how to love.

You know how to lead.

You know how to give someone everything they need from you.

I can say that with certainty because you’re alive.  And that means you can be, and do all those things for yourself.

So today, and everyday be affirmed.  Remember the truth:

  1. Your relationship with God comes first: Submission to God means full obedience, faithfulness and sacrifice to Him alone.  That’s what it means to live for God.  Healing, power, truth, love, leadership and strength first.  If you submit first to your wife, yourself,  your job, church, family, friends, or the random pull of life’s adventures you are willingly settling for being a lesser man for everything and one in your life, including yourself.  Only God defines your manhood: Not your father, grandfather, wife, kids, boss, pastor, friends, media, self-help books or therapist.  He made you, and wrote the greatest book ever about what it truly means to be a man.
  2. Without purpose, everything will flounder: Ever try to just grab some tools and stand in the middle of the house, twisting screwdrivers and turning wrenches, swinging the hammer?  Of course not.  That’s what life without purpose looks like.  You have to know why you’re here.  And then carefully choose the right tools to use, including relationship, employment, and everything else in your life, to make sure you advance toward that purpose.  Randomness and purpose aren’t partners.  As long as  you live you can uncover your purpose, by going back to number 1.
  3. You are responsible for your own happiness: There is joy and peace in your purpose.  Without it, life and the search for meaning within it is exhausting.  In purpose, happiness is seamless and endless.  Without it, lies run wild: Like the lie that it’s meaningful to share responsibility for someone else’s happiness; the lie that your spouse or marriage will make you happy;  the lie that your spouse or family can possibly make you unhappy.  You’ll be lured into a meaningless spiral of deceit, off-course and away from your purpose into random grasps for fleeting stimulants.
  4. Integrity, consistency, and transparency are the language of trust: The truth is good.  It’s perfect.  That’s why the truth can’t be hidden, or changed, or negotiated.  That’s why trust isn’t just about lying.  It’s about how well a person knows the language of trust and how fluently they speak it.  God is the truth.  Honoring God, and being trustworthy is about honoring truth by demonstrating strong character and values, by being dependable, reliable, and completely open.  Without that honor, you create a breeding ground for fear, lies, pain, anger and worse:  That isn’t the truth, and certainly isn’t God.  Become fluent in the language of truth, then expect to communicate in it with every relationship.
  5. You can’t fail: You can’t lose.  You can’t break anything or anyone.  You can’t hurt anyone or thing in a way that God can’t heal.  If something isn’t going right in the moment, it isn’t a reflection on you and you don’t have to try to fix it.  Just your presence and reassurance of love undiminished really is enough.  If you have item 1 down, you know the revelation firsthand: Being loved no matter what, and even more because of, is the most powerful healing agent of all.  If you’re a father, husband, boyfriend or single man it is because He authorized it.  He doesn’t make mistakes.  Let go of the crippling worry that you won’t, can’t, might not and move, with the fearless determination of the Highest authority behind you.
  6. The solution is always more love: God is love.  The most radical, convicting, honest, healing, beautiful, perfect love so unfathomable even the slightest revelation of it is life-changing.  That’s why your relationship with, your connection to perfect love and to God is the most important of all.  Until you have that, the way you love yourself and others, and therefore the way they love you, will be limited.  When you know you’re His precious favorite child, accepted just the way you are with extra for  those parts that are least lovable, because they need love most…  Your relationships will grow and replenish you, forever new.
  7.  *Know the God- given roles for people in your life and respect His direction.  
  8. **Know who your  provider is, and what that means about your worth.  

Then comes the fun part.

Once you get your own house in order, you can effectively go about the business of making this world a better place by guiding the next man in the right direction.

*Link added 1-25-13

**Link added 1-29-13

The beauty of life: Dancing in purpose

9 Nov

This is the scene I woke up to on my 33rd birthday: A simple, elegant, vibrant daisy brilliantly and naturally lit by the morning sun.


Just when you think it doesn’t get any better…

18 Sep

What a morning.  What a day.

It’s not even noon and it’s been wildly eventful.  Hopefully a little trip down my memory lane will add some perspective, inspiration even as you go about your day.

Every year, on this date, when the love of my life asked me to be his, it’s like the universe goes crazy.  Somebody, ANYbody, STOP THEM! The world seems to be saying.

No such luck.

Spring 2009.  When I met this man I refused to date him: He wasn’t my type.  He’s an actor.

And I had rules.

No artists.  Because I had dated artists.  They were flaky, disorganized, undependable, emotionally unstable and illogical.  Which of course was because of their gift, not their character.  Sigh.

He was working three jobs when we started spending time together.   His response when I asked if he knew how to salsa: “Nope, but I’ll learn!”  Somehow he found time to learn the heck out of some salsa and carpool with me to salsa clubs with mutual friends… Which meant driving way out of his way to pick up and drop me off.  Or, sometimes I would drive if it were raining: His floor leaked.  (Don’t ask.)

We were drawn together.  Random strangers would tell us how powerful our union was assuming we were married before we started dating.

He wooed me.  Woo woo woo.  That’s just fun to say.

He courted me with gourmet savory dishes and sweet baked goods.  With star-struck eyes and the same loving lilt in his morning greeting.  With endless thoughts and conversation, gestures and leadership.  With utter cheesy goofiness and a silly side only I can match.

Fall 2009.

We were in love.

It was all the magical corniness you could never imagine.  Literally… A magical candied popcorn dessert he made to impress me.

We were happy.  So randomly, incredibly, amazingly happy.

It was all very Disneyland like.  Magic and stuff.

But somehow, very empty.  Fun, but hollow in that amazing life experience that had no point but memories in Vegas kind of way.  We traveled and partied and lived life fully everyday for years.

Winter 2011.  Somehow, he changed us.

The most powerful leaders not only have vision, but the ability to place their sight in your eyes.  With insight that could only come from God, he led me right into the depth our magic had me too distracted to miss.

The same way the world acts up on our anniversary every year, stuff got crazy.  From mundane to major, everything flipped upside down, spinning.

Still, he stood, and I next to him: Still.

Summer 2012.  He was passed out in the emergency room.  I monitored his vitals frantically with swollen eyes, praying he wouldn’t crash again.  My comfort was gone.      Nothing we had mattered except his life and nothing we had could secure it.  I stared at him constantly, with every second memorizing his details, the tiniest signs of life.

Driving behind the ambulance transport I gave up.  There was no medicine, solution or fix I could conjure to make it go away.  And I realized in the depths of love for him that he was not, could not be my greatest love, my rock.  Being passed out in a hospital bed really clears that up for you.

With this new understanding of how powerful and strong I had to be to truly support him, I felt free.  Settled.  Full.

Today.

He’s good.

So today is “Will you be my lady day” as he calls it.  This year, I blocked the calendar against the world: GET OUTTA DODGE!  It says.  Today is still overflowing with stuff.

I wouldn’t have pictured any of this back when I first decided he wasn’t my type (artist and such) but here we are.

Still, still.

We are pure cheesy corn and we embrace it. There’s a flippin’ heart on my cheek.

Share the good stuff: Own your impact by reflecting goodness.

29 Aug

I haven’t written in a while.  Usually stuff just pours out of me.

Stuff.  Recently stuff has been very quiet inside.  Silenced stuff that didn’t seem relevant or worthy.

Well.

We are always worthy. 

Last year a really challenging season showed me I didn’t like writing about stuff that wasn’t happy.  I sucked it up and wrote about overcoming.  In reflection, my experience was valuable.  Everything we see is a reflection, light bouncing off a form to give it shape according to our understanding.  Depending on how we look at it, we may see the same thing differently.

Reflection: The Pacific Ocean seen through the Olde Port Inn on the Avila Beach Pier

Life is always relevant.  

Last night I dreamed of wandering through an urban, neglected landscape.  As I walked through the glaring sunshine in dry heat, the neighborhood gradually grew more desolate.  The roads were unpaved, buildings rare and ruined.  The few people I saw as I rounded corners were broken and dazed, ravenous for whatever death tonic was keeping them alive, whether it was money, sex, confrontation, or drugs.  One by one, in subtle and different ways they noticed me.  What I saw looking back at me was scary.  A reflection of the dying human spirit.

Aware, alone and afraid I turned back the way I’d come, sinking lower as I looked for life: Growing desperate as it eluded me.  Suddenly a brightly knit fabric in gold, crimson and green caught me, and I saw a small cluster of men with locked hair, chatting animatedly.  My spirits lifted and we acknowledged each other in warm, polite greeting.  Thankfulness filled me and I continued my journey home.

We always have something to share. 

Reflecting on the dream, the only reason my spirits lifted when I saw those folks was an inherent understanding they meant me no harm.  The simple human connection of eye contact, a smile and warm spirit lifted and encouraged me.  How devastated would I have been had they turned and left upon my approach?  As I did in the face of fear?  How let down were the folks who noticed me approaching and surely noticed my fearful retreat?  I saw in those men a reflection of who I could be, simply by being.

Some years ago, a light bulb went off when a homeless man paid me a sweet compliment when I smiled genuinely at him: “Thank you sister, that smile is a blessing in itself.  God bless you.”  

I’d written off similar comments as polite come-ons in the past but that day I understood:  How hurtful is it when people won’t even make eye contact with you?  When they dishonor and disrespect you and themselves by averting their eyes, pretending you don’t exist even peripherally?  What purpose is served by scowling in the mirror at your own reflection?

You never know what another human’s need is in any given moment.  

When I went camping with my family recently, we slept in tents, had to pay for showers and use public restrooms.  On waking early, only to wait in a long line for the restroom and a longer line to wash my hands, I was one tiny, testy, trifling, trivial, too-through Tina.  For a grand total of ten minutes.  The spell was broken by an exceptionally cheerful fellow camper I passed on the way back to my tent.  As she approached, eyes bright with a smile on her face and offered a lilting “Good morning!”  I didn’t have the heart to crush her joy with my scowling frustration over poor potty time.  I mustered a genuine smile and greeting, laughed to myself about how childish I was being, and remarked on how immediate the impact of that simple, joyful countenance was.  I mirrored her reflection.  

We don’t have the right to choose who’s worthy of human decency.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing makes an impact.

Whether you mean it or not.

Be aware.  Be connected.

Make sure your impact is helpful and encouraging to others making their own impact.

YAY!

26 Jun

Today has been an awesome day.

It was even more awesome than yesterday.

Yesterday was even more awesome than the day before it.

This, leads me to believe tomorrow will be even more awesome than today was.

That is what makes being excited for every new moment, because the moment you’re in is so great,

SO

MUCH

FLIPPIN’

FUN!

YAY!!! 

Nothing really matters…

21 Jun

Somehow, I found a man way better than I ever dreamed and fell in love with him.  He fell in love with me, thank goodness or that would have been awkward.  Since a few months before we realized we were head-over heels for each other, our friends, family, and random strangers have commented regularly on how powerful our display of love and appreciation for one another is.

We’re both open, cheesy, sappy romantics, and are best friends to boot.  We are far, far from perfect but even our worst moments have been miraculously love-filled, love-deepening experiences.

I think the world of this man. He is incredibly handsome, sweet, brilliant, caring, talented, powerful, God-fearing, communicative, intuitive, loyal, strong, successful, and downright hilarious.

It is common to find me staring at him with that goopy-eyed mess reserved for cartoons with hearts reverberating from the character’s eyes.

On top of generally having a deep appreciation for who he is as a man, friend, artist, and spirit, I’ve been very intentional about demonstrating my appreciation for every big and little thing he does.  I take special care to show appreciation for being open about the bad times.

I’ve showered this man with the (second-) deepest love and affection I could muster, from supporting and encouraging his spiritual walk, career, relationships, and personal development, to feeding every plane of his existence.

Our relationship has been the journey of a lifetime and it’s still only a toddler.

There’s nothing like a wake-up call to add a little perspective.  

I realized recently that in spite of all that, I had been taking him for granted.

Not in the obvious, shallow sense.  It was much more simple and profound.  The reality simply never sunk in that one day he won’t be around. Not that we might break up or that we might have to make it work long distance.  Not alive.

The realization and acceptance of mortality is the most effective reminder of what it means to truly appreciate someone.

I found myself moved to tears by the warmth of the skin covering his hand as I held it.  The simple awareness that as I gazed on him sleeping peacefully, he was alive, his mind and heart fully functioning.  The open joy of hearing him snore and knowing it means he’s breathing deeply.

It’s a scary feeling to look into the eyes of the person you depend on and find they are incapable of finding yours.  Every glance after that is a love story.

Thankfully, along with the basic indicators of vitality we can also still enjoy the many other wonders that make our life together so joyous and purposeful.

Still, I pray I never forget that feeling, of knowing the ocean only runs so deep, of touching the bottom of the ocean floor, and knowing it can’t be danced upon.

I pray that forever, I weigh the importance of my choices against the value of life.

I guess, because it’s so hard, it makes stuff really easy.

Not much matters.

Maybe that’s why children and older folks are so carefree and intentional all at once.  The beginning and ending of life is free of distraction from what’s most important.

What are you taking for granted?

What have you not acknowledged as impermanent?

What would you revel in with that realization?

Scrimps: Choose to find the good in everything.

23 May

Yesterday I shared fruit from my grapefruit tree with my overzealous young neighbors.

This morning I read a budget at work that referred to scrimps.

Last night, a stranger explained that the real depth and beauty of salsa lies in everything done between the major downbeats… A lot like life, isn’t it?

It would have been easy to be annoyed with my neighbor’s interruption of my quiet time. Instead I was happy to be able to share. Easy to find fault with my colleague’s misspelling. Instead I smiled and laughed. Easy to question the discouragement inherent in the stranger’s comment. Instead I saw the deeper significance.

These and others are recent reminders of how important it is to cherish life. Never take anything for granted. Nothing.

You may groan about needing to work out today, but what if tomorrow an injury or disease kept you from walking?

You may get sick of your family but what if this were the last moment you had with them?

Every day, every time we find ourselves giving in to the lie of frustration, the sickness of annoyance, we can flip the mental switch to say:

How can I look at this differently?

What’s good about it?

What’s funny about it?

What’s symbolic about it?

That way, we fill up our life memory-bank with goodness, joy, and wisdom.

20120523-174834.jpg

Contentment: The grass ain’t always greener.

2 May

People who get loud and out of control wish they could tone themselves down.  People who have a tight rein on themselves wish for the freedom of being loud and out of control.

Wealthy and low-income individuals alike long for the day when they won’t have to worry about money.

Single people long for the companionship of a brilliant romantic relationship.  Spouses reminisce on the freedom of single life.

Singers with big voices wish they could sing with quiet intensity.  Singers with soft power wish they had earth-shattering volume.

Skinnier people wish for more muscles and curves.  Heavier people wish for fewer bulky muscles and curves.

The uneducated hope for knowledge.  The wise reminisce on days of innocence.

The fun-loving struggle to be taken seriously, the somber yearn to have fun.

Youth ache for the self-determining power of adulthood and adults yearn for the carefree lives of youth.

Short folks long to be taller and taller folks wish to be shorter.

People of large families yearn for attention and intimacy, and only children ache for brotherhood.

Employees wish they were the boss and the boss wishes they had less responsibility.

People with short hair wish for the versatility of long locks, and folks with long hair wonder about the ease of a short ‘do.

Every square inch of our body, every unique detail of our lives and personality, every gift, every struggle, strength and weakness are intentional.

There are no coincidences in life, no mistakes.

Criticizing a gift given with love is cursing the giver: How is self-criticism or self-hatred not cursing God?

Our gifts aren’t given for us to know or understand exactly why they were given or how.  They are for us to embrace and glorify… To focus on figuring out how to use all God has given us to lift each other up.

We waste valuable time and energy wishing we were different.  Instead, we should focus on excellence: As long as we live, we can always learn more, develop more, improve.

All life is linked in spirit, and our attitudes toward one another and ourselves matter.  When we think highly of ourselves and others we uplift each other.  When we think negatively and lowly of others we create tension by pulling them down when their spirit’s natural inclination is to soar.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 231 other followers