Tag Archives: insecurity

Empowering choice with affirmation: Accept only who and what affirms your best you.

9 Jan

Most of us spend too much of our lives surrounded by stuff we don’t feel we can really choose for ourselves.  Partly because we feel forced to choose from a limited selection among family, school, friends, work, or church.

When we finally reach a place where we recognize our decisions are truly our own, options limitless, it’s freeing.

The idea of saying “Yes” to something new and purposed for the best you is encouraging and life-affirming.  It’s huge and all too rare to fully embrace change, for the better.  Some folks never do.  Once you have, it’s equally important to reject static, for the best.

That’s tough.  The idea that your “Yes” also needs to be reinforced and empowered by saying “No” to things that are old and not purposed for the best you, is daunting.

And, you’ll have few advisers to turn to.

If all you do is say “Yes” the clutter of old and new, bad and good, stagnant and fresh, random and purposed… Emboldened by the chatter of non-advisers in the quiet of limited counsel will weaken your resolve and cloud the clarity of change you embraced.

It’s not easy.  If everyone embraced change, then even if you didn’t say “No” and take that critical step to reject and remove clutter, folks around you might steer you back on track.

That ain’t the case.

Instead, it’s far more likely that in the middle of your challenging and radical  transition everybody will have some unsolicited criticism and advice to offer you about you.

While they remain unchanged.

Saying “Yes” to change and new advisers without saying “N0″ to habit and old advisers is like trying to pretend one termite-infested piece of wood won’t infest the entire structure you’re building… And expecting the pest-control guy to tell you the truth about whether that piece will matter.

So we have to regularly remind ourselves that what we have, and who we are is rare and wonderful.  Actively choose to be around people who affirm that instead of those who question and judge the improved, unfamiliar you.

Actively choose to be around people who are constantly seeking to learn about you, because they assume you’re constantly growing and evolving…

Because they are too.

Actively reject people who cling in fear to the past, investing time and resources in the sequel, depleting your time and resources in the process.

Your life is not an uninspired pop song.

It is purposeful, new, changing, confident, challenging, fresh, and refreshing.

Whenever something random, old, inflexible, insecure, easy, stale and tiring  comes along, don’t hesitate to say “No.”

Because when that something has eaten away the foundation of your new structure, it will return with lies of worry about how you will recover, to keep you comfortable in need.  Projecting judgment and unhappiness disguised as jokes, concern and care for you.

As you go about making choices, remembering you have unlimited options and resources, ask yourself:

  • Am I working with the best architect or advisers?
  • Am I using the very best building material?
  • Am I choosing the best design?
  • Am I building to weather the storm or bask in the sunshine?

That poor direction, rotted wood, misplaced weight-bearing wall,  or hurricane will tear everything up at the worst time:  When you need to depend on it most. It’ll crumble before your eyes.

Your best you, won’t be easy, readily accessible, inexpensive, or unoriginal.  That means your advisers won’t be any of those things either, because they have to be the best.

If an architect offered to design, build and pay for your dream home, but you realized they’d never built anything, and tend to leave a mess in their wake when they try…

Would you see the truth that you deserve and will have the best, then follow the signs they’re the wrong one to build with?  Or would you believe the lie that they have a once-in-a lifetime opportunity and jump at the chance?

That’s what happens when, broken, we desperately take what broken folks offer.

When you’re whole you don’t run around trying to fix other people or expecting them to fix you.  And you don’t desperately accept anything from any broken body who offers stale thinking about you or anything in your life.

As you embrace change and newness,  think of rejecting static and staleness as only accepting, hearing, and responding to the truth: That’s all you’ll get or give with your best advisers.

Why settle for less when you’re the one who has to live with the consequences?

  • Get comfortable saying “No” without compromise.
  • Get comfortable saying “Because this is better for me” with sincerity.

Every second of every minute of every hour of every day, practice knowing and loving yourself enough to choose who and what affirms your best you.

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Contentment: The grass ain’t always greener.

2 May

People who get loud and out of control wish they could tone themselves down.  People who have a tight rein on themselves wish for the freedom of being loud and out of control.

Wealthy and low-income individuals alike long for the day when they won’t have to worry about money.

Single people long for the companionship of a brilliant romantic relationship.  Spouses reminisce on the freedom of single life.

Singers with big voices wish they could sing with quiet intensity.  Singers with soft power wish they had earth-shattering volume.

Skinnier people wish for more muscles and curves.  Heavier people wish for fewer bulky muscles and curves.

The uneducated hope for knowledge.  The wise reminisce on days of innocence.

The fun-loving struggle to be taken seriously, the somber yearn to have fun.

Youth ache for the self-determining power of adulthood and adults yearn for the carefree lives of youth.

Short folks long to be taller and taller folks wish to be shorter.

People of large families yearn for attention and intimacy, and only children ache for brotherhood.

Employees wish they were the boss and the boss wishes they had less responsibility.

People with short hair wish for the versatility of long locks, and folks with long hair wonder about the ease of a short ‘do.

Every square inch of our body, every unique detail of our lives and personality, every gift, every struggle, strength and weakness are intentional.

There are no coincidences in life, no mistakes.

Criticizing a gift given with love is cursing the giver: How is self-criticism or self-hatred not cursing God?

Our gifts aren’t given for us to know or understand exactly why they were given or how.  They are for us to embrace and glorify… To focus on figuring out how to use all God has given us to lift each other up.

We waste valuable time and energy wishing we were different.  Instead, we should focus on excellence: As long as we live, we can always learn more, develop more, improve.

All life is linked in spirit, and our attitudes toward one another and ourselves matter.  When we think highly of ourselves and others we uplift each other.  When we think negatively and lowly of others we create tension by pulling them down when their spirit’s natural inclination is to soar.

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God is good.

15 Mar

I’ve never been a religious person.  An English major, avid reader and prolific writer I refused to own a Bible.  This was my silent war against the frivolity of religion for years.

I’ve come to realize the same truth that compelled my rebellion against religion is the same truth that feeds the fire of my faith today.  The truth is I’ve always known unequivocally there is an unfathomably infinite non-human power.  The idea of communicating with, tapping into, worshiping that power through some man-made ritual seemed a total dishonor and waste of time.

I refused to define it.  Refused to even buy into anything that I could rationalize.  There would be no patriarchal, hierarchical, human-centered, punitive, judgmental, guilt-ridden spirit in my life.

Then I saw the same powerful argument through a clearer lens.

If you know in your heart there is a higher power on Earth and have an iota of sense or strength, how could you not live constantly and fervently drinking in the truth of that power?

There are things in life we’re powerless to, but for God’s strength.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve always been the brunt of jokes because of my optimism and idealism.  I was never a cheerleader but my disposition convinces most who meet me otherwise.  I’m the person who believes the world will change.  Who, when I hear arguing at my neighbor’s house prays for their peace, for love to fill their home.  Who sits down to eat chocolate cake and throws housewarming parties when her home gets broken into.  Who calms down in the eye of a storm.

That optimism isn’t blissful ignorance, intoxication, fraud, or misunderstanding.

It’s God working through me.

Funny thing is, I’d be a lot weaker today, a completely different person if I ever bought into those false ideas about God.  If I started believing in myself more, believing those who say joy is shallow, or that I should be more serious I would have signed my own death certificate.

Finally, I know better.

We need God.  There’s stuff we simply can’t do for ourselves.  When we’re sad ain’t no amount of therapy, comic relief or liquor that will lift us out of it.  When we’re filled with the more subtly destructive spirit of competition, insecurity, or lust we can’t turn the switch off like a light.

In those moments we are so weak and blinded.

We need strength greater than our own to pull through it.

The reality is if we just take ourselves, our ego, our body, our talents, our words and thoughts out of the way for a minute we open our doors to be moved by something much greater than we are.

The instant we unplug from that greatness we’ve lost a chance to touch someone else with it.  We have no idea who’s watching us, who notices us in passing and sees the God in us.  If we’ve unplugged and are caught up in the trappings and silliness of everyday life we miss a chance to connect with someone else spiritually.

What else are we really here for if not to form spiritual connections with other people?

Today, until midnight a powerful group of people are coming together to pray love over the entertainment industry at the Gibson Amphitheater.

I hope you’ll make it out, or pray from where you are.

http://www.thecryhollywood.com

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Five people-pleasing behaviors and what they really say about you.

21 Feb

It’s much easier to handle danger when you know it’s coming.  Warning signs, sirens, smoke and flames give you a chance to prepare and respond.  An ambush or Trojan horse catches you off guard.  We have guards for good reason.

When a negative person does something hurtful, the impact and the aftermath are different because all parties tend to be clear on what happened and their role in it.

Then there’s the people-pleaser.  Determined to make everyone happy even to their own detriment, they will create spun-sugar webs of confusion, selfishness and guilt so sweet and convoluted they can’t find themselves within it anymore.

What are you really saying when you:

1) Take on more than you can handle/Pretend everything is okay.  Example:  You love your kids sooooo much you just want to throw an incredible party and lavish them with time and money and fun. But it was too much and you didn’t have fun.  You begin to resent everyone you secretly hoped might jump in with their own people-pleasing spirit and save you.  Every man and woman is responsible for themselves.  We’re expected to know, on some basic levels, what we need and want and most important, how to communicate that when needed.

Not trusting yourself enough to believe in what you need says you can’t be trusted.  

2)  Allow others to be less than who they are/Avoid confrontation.  Example:  Instead of pointing out a mistake you correct something yourself.  Instead of addressing something hurtful you sweep it under the rug.    Part of being responsible for ourselves includes being responsible for the people we love, and shepherding our friendships with care.  The greatest part about love is understanding and accepting exactly who we are now, in the shadow of our most divine potential.  Avoiding confrontation is a lie of epic proportions: You’re already in a confrontation with yourself.

Refusing to address the issue with the other person says they don’t  matter enough for you to fight for their best. 

3) Refuse to end a relationship.  Example:  You’ve been with your love-nugget for years and at some point along the way fell out of love.  You feel so bad you can’t bring yourself  to say, “It’s over.”  That would hurt their feelings.  So, to protect their feelings you stay with them when you don’t want to.  Or say you need space and kind of trip around in I-don’t-want-to-be-here-but-can’t-leave land.  This doesn’t avoid hurting feelings.

Refusing to deal with the harder stuff multiplies hurt exponentially by saying you think it’s best to project your weakness onto the person you love.    

4) Insisting an ex remain in your life out of guilt.  Example:  You loved someone.  You really did.  But you never quite managed to show them.  There were other exes or lovers or midgets or mountains or time zones in the way.  Do you acknowledge your shortcomings, apologize for past hurts and move on?  Nope.  You decide it might work better if you can get back together with them or keep them around as a friend to make up for the pain you caused.

Keeping people in our lives for our sake belittles their needs and says I don’t love me or you enough to move on and set us free.  

5) Play savior.  Example: We love our brother so much we just know he can do better.  So every time he messes up we step in to clean up his mess.  He deserves it and aren’t I my brother’s keeper?   No matter how awesome your Superman or Wonderwoman costume may look, the reality is we simply can’t change anything in another person for them.  They have to do it.  We can and should live as examples.  We should support other’s strength and growth no matter how difficult.  But we can’t learn for someone else.  We can’t change for someone else.  

Trying to save another person says we don’t believe they have it in them to do better.  

Being a good person and caring selflessly for another has to come from a place of deeply rooted self-love and wholeness.

Expecting different says you’ve underestimated your own and other’s ability to love. 

People-pleasing says I don’t love me enough to know how to love you properly.

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Crash diet: How to love yourself Part 1 of 2.

20 Dec

Wow that’s a big title. Not really any other way to put it though.

Loving ourselves is the single most important compulsion in life… And of course the toughest. Self-love is what allows us to find joy, hope, love, kindness, health.

Thing is, there’s a lot in the way of this all-important process.

  • How can I love myself without being selfish?
  • Shouldn’t I seek to love God/the Universe/my children/my spouse first?
  • Isn’t that conceited, to love yourself?
  • How can I love myself if people hate me?
  • Why do I need to love myself if I’m already a good person?

The real thing is, it ain’t that complicated. Humans are born intellectual, emotional, social mammals. That means there’s a lot more to us bouncing around on Earth than just finding water, warmth, food and bukkit-nekkitness.

We think all sorts of things, feel all sorts of things, and do all sorts of things… About and around other humans.

And that makes stuff complicated. Because other animals are pretty much just driven by survival. Life is wildly simple, because animals are constantly looking out for themselves. But can you imagine the hotmessdedness that would follow if animals had self-esteem issues? Got jealous? Were manipulative, insecure, proud?

Me either.

But for giggles, I’m picturing a lot of awkward body coverings, lots of hunger, sickness and death. Oh wait.

Sadly those are human challenges.

I say all that to say we were made to be happy, and self-love is what makes us happy, pure and simple. It isn’t enough for us to just be surviving. So how do you learn to love yourself?

Well, you have to be willing to try.

Just like we can’t talk to a person if we don’t open our mouths, we can’t change anything about ourselves if we don’t go about it intentionally.

Self-love is not conceit, selfishness, or sacrifice. Those are all subtle symptoms of self-hatred in fact. When we love ourselves, we’re tapping into the element that really makes us human.

I’m not perfect, but I love me some me. And I know figuring out who you are and then letting yourself fall in love with that you, works.

1) Figure out what you do and don’t like. It can actually be incredibly challenging to do this. I find when it’s hard to make a decision, it sometimes helps to sweep the really obvious non-options aside, layer by layer. Eventually you narrow it down to your answer. Make lists to carry around with you so you can keep track of likes and dislikes. Sounds silly, but would you fall in love with someone who has no personality, no personal interests? You need to know these things to fall in love with you, too.

2) Figure out what you are good at, and what you’re not good at. This can be especially hard if you’re not used to tooting your horn. Remember there’s a difference between humility and self-deprecation. The latter is a form of self-hatred. No likey. So. If you don’t know what you’re good at, start small and pay attention. It may be making a mean cup of coffee, triple-bypass surgery, changing diapers, drafting legislation, or putting a smile on someone’s face. Equally important, is acknowledging what you aren’t good at without cursing yourself. That will quickly turn into a pity-party. Self-lovers don’t have time for those.

3) Figure out your body.  Become accustomed to being in tune with your body.  Pay attention to the way you feel, physically and emotionally after experiencing certain activities, meals, exchanges, clothing, footwear, weather, etc.  As we age, we grow comfortable with minor aches and pains, subtle imperfections in the ways our bodies function.  We also overlook our physical strengths as they are overshadowed by dislike of our weaknesses.  The truth is, no matter what age, we should live free of pain, fatigue, and sickness:  We should view our bodies as healthy, beautiful, fully-functioning tools.

Now for the love crash diet:

When you have these areas pretty clear, start feeding the likes and strengths constantly.

For the dislikes and weaknesses, you can do a few things depending on where you are in your life. You may choose to steer clear of them altogether, starving dislikes and weaknesses. Only thing is, there’s probably a deeper reason you don’t like or aren’t good at certain things.

So ideally, you want to explore that, asking why and as needed, seeking professional help.

Por ejemplo, do you not like waking up early in the morning because your childhood conditioned you to hate it or because you find birds chirping annoying?  Is your medical condition truly irreparable or will nutrition and lifestyle changes improve or eradicate the sickness?  Are you a weak public speaker because you lack self-confidence or because you have never felt called or inspired to lead?

This ain’t gon’ be pretty. There may be sacrifice.  And chances are there are lots of missing hugs, snuggle time, and tickling behind the things in life you feel negatively toward.

And on that note…

There are a couple more areas to dig into so you don’t have a fleeting, shallow love affair with yourself. How awful would it be to one-night stand yourself?

I digress.

Not really. Anywho, there are goodies that will seal your marriage to self in love which I’ll share in a separate post.

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Tempting…

9 Aug

Acceptance of infidelity as a probable inevitability in committed, monogamous relationships is the most retarded relationshiptondom puppy-kicker.

Them’s a lotta syllables.

Relationshiptondom is a big word.

Not abuse (I put the “not” in hood, don’t test me) and not unhappiness (have you seen my rainbows?)

You know why?  Because simply put, it’s utterly wasteful stoopiditay.

It means one of the relationshiptons has suddenly become too selfish and/or skurred to step up or step on.     Me no likey.  We can all be much better than that.

And nope, I haven’t ever cheated on anyone nor to my knowledge been cheated on.

I would honestly call my man in the process of undressing to call it off the temptation were somehow that serious.

It never is.

Ain’t nothing in the world that could make a healthy person truly in a healthy relationship step out.  Those of you thinking of myriad exceptions are, well, unfaithful.  If not in practice, in waiting.  In theory if you will.

What happens, is folks let things slide within themselves or their relationship until they’re no longer really healthy but they’re too lazy/selfish/stinky to fix or end it.

Then, floating along in this drunken haze of retardationshiptonness, they meet the ultimate scapegoat: Temptation.

Temptation did this.  Temptation wore that.  Temptation is just so fine and sexy.  Temptation and I were just friends until that fateful night.  Did you see how Temptation descended from the clouds in the suit with a martini dangling from his belt and slid right in?

So much attention, when Temptation is a minor symptom of a real problem.  It provides a belittling distraction for something that’s usually a deeper-seated issue.

Who gives a flying walrus poot what happens after Temptation steps in?

Temptation, by definition is something you want.

One of my favorite leaders teaches, a person who is circumstantially faithful isn’t really faithful at all.  Because as soon as the situation is right, they’re with it.  True faithfulness can’t be broken or interfered with.

And yes, that is a cold hard line but it’s the cold hard truth.  Yes, Temptation is there.  Even for the faithful.

It’s food, substances, sleep, tv, etc.  But when we stop to realize that it is because we want it that it’s tempting then we also have to ask ourselves why we want it.

I find a vodka martini very tempting and will drink it. Black Sambuca I’ll pass on.  My man very tempting and will attack him.  Others I’ll pass on.  It really is that simple.

Now, if I suddenly found myself spending every waking moment unable to resist the drunken pull of every vile tasting liquor on the planet…  Or perhaps more appropriately, opting for Black Sambuca because it was in a beautiful glass and closer to me on the table than my preferred vodka martini… At some point I’d have to acknowledge I had a drinking problem and get into introspection mode to fix some thangs.

Which is the healthy response to the identification of an unhealthy behavior.

Our flaws surface to shine light on areas we need to grow in.

We can stubbornly and ignorantly deny the flaw or excuse the need for self-growth, but the truth just is.

Somehow, however, folks find every reason under the sun to excuse infidelity, to excuse themselves, blaming Temptation, their crazy partner, the pain, the hot oil, bananas and cream.  It ain’t them, it’s you.

Instead of pointing fingers, we ought to find every way under the sun to share ways to overcome it.  (Handy list coming in 5…)

To be clear,  if you can imagine scenarios where you would voluntarily succumb to Temptation you are part of the unfaithful crowd.  (…4…)Don’t be embarrassed. (…3…)  There’s plenty of you around for company.  (…2…)I’d say y’all should hold hands but hey.  Hey.  Easy now. Don’t tempt yourselves… (…1…)

How to make Temptation a thing of the past:

1)      Practice being faithful.  When I’m single it’s like I’ve turned into a hormone-filled thirteen year old on Viagra (inwardly anyway.)  Anything and everything man-like looks attractive and gives cause for daydreaming.  When I’m not, my relationship blinders stay on.  Yep.  Blinders.  Blinders are the single handiest tool for the faithful.  Simply avert thine eyes.   Conditioning is a powerful thing.  No Pavlov.

For good measure, I may think about a quality- not a feature-a quality, I love about my man.  See, you go thinking about features and you start comparing… Done made everything worse.  Think about a quality you adore.

If you do that already, and still gots trouble…

2)      Be smart.  While I’m a firm believer in the idea that whatever we truly wish to happen will, I also have to admit some people are just a few skittles short of the rainbow sometimes.  I honestly can not think of a single scenario in which I would, sober and unthreatened, ever violate my relationship.  Know why?  ‘Cause at least ten steps before that scenario plays out I’m asking someone if they’ve lost their mind.  Then calling my man to laugh together about the hilariously idiotic exchange.  Be smart.

And if you think you’re being smart, but still know that won’t cut it…

3)      Don’t lie to yourself.  If for some reason, you really believe every man or woman in your friend roster is an innocent platonic relationship capable of withstanding all possible odds, you’se a dang lie.  I’m not saying cut anybody off but trust me, believing drunken cuddle sessions with your opposite-sex best friend are ok is a lie to yourself.  Get some boundaries for you and your uninvolved pal.  (Defining “platonic” vs. “uninvolved”: http://tinawatkins.wordpress.com/2010/07/28/the-color-of-friendship-part-i/)

Now, if you’re all blindered and smartened and boundaried up and still envisioning the many ways you’d stray…  Hey! Focus.

4)      Re-evaluate.  As true as it is that infidelity and Temptation have nothing to do with your partner, it’s also true that it is a symptom of illness.  Possibly in the relationship.  Maybe you’re not happy.  Maybe they’re not.  If it took reading this to look up and figure out it was time for a fix, perfect! Hop to it.  If it is truly as wonderful as you could ever dream, and you’re really being smart, blindered, and boundaried…  Well.

That underscores how badly you need to move onto the next step.

5)      Dig deep.  Yes, I’m going there.  If you can still imagine the very real circumstances where you would choose to step out, I’ve got news for you.  That is not normal.  That’s not just the way things are, the way most people are.  And I’m not passing judgment, just clarifying truth.

There’s something that has nothing to do with your behavior, your lifestyle, your friends, your relationship that makes you unfaithful… Wait.  Notice anything with my handy italics?

“You” showed up five times in that sentence.

Figure out where the root of your problem is and yank it.  Go back to youngin’ times.  It won’t be pretty.

Yayyy for finding fixer-uppers!

(Whispering) being unfaithful is both unhealthy and a form of hyper-sexuality.  No bukkit.

If, when you were a tinier chitterling, there was melted ice cream, family dysfunction, sunshine-stealing, abandonment, kitten-napping, abuse, or (heaven forbid) a cake shortage, the effect can manifest in adulthood:

Feelings of self-hatred, grandma-tripping, inadequacy, puppy-tossing, and insecurity can all masquerade as hyper- sexuality and other unhealthy behaviors.  (Shudder)

And we all want to love ourselves second-most  (your LorT, whomever she may be should be first).  We all want to be healthy and happy and chase rainbows together.  And we can!

Sharing is caring!

Please share, what has been your friend’s* experience with infidelity and either succumbing, being with someone who did, or overcoming it?  (*For anonymity’s sake.)

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