Tag Archives: Men

Who’s your Daddy: Identity, value and self-worth.

29 Jan

I shared some relationship tips recently, including how to identify and deal with your worst enemy.

Today is about self-worth, particularly for men, as the world seems hell-bent on convincing y’all your self-worth is defined by net worth.  Ladies meanwhile, are being convinced we’re defined by our bed-worth or sexuality, but that’s another discussion for another day.

Too many men live with the limiting core belief that the amount of money they make, the power they have, is tied into how valuable or worthy they are.

And because our decisions, our lives are based on the core truth of our identity -who and whose we think we are- and how worthy or valuable we think that makes us, self-worth is a big deal.  The biggest deal.

So let’s deconstruct it.  What is worth, or value really?

Value is defined as the level of importance or preciousness.  That  means how something or someone is regarded, and how rare it or they are is the measure of value.  It can also mean an estimate of monetary worth.

First of all…

There is only one you and man is at the top of the food chain.  No other human looks, thinks, or is made exactly the same as you are.

That makes you one in about 7 billion.

According to the London Zoological Society, the Ploughshare Tortoise is the most endangered species on the planet.

There are 600 of them left in world.

You are rare.

Second of all…

You were created by the most powerful, indescribable force of all time in all the universe.  And He thinks you’re the most important thing He ever made.

You are held in the highest regard by the Most High.

Third.

Do third-string players approach the game the same way starters do?  Nope.  They don’t expect to play, don’t believe they matter as much and have a completely different attitude about the game.  If they are called to play, they tend to be so shocked and ill-prepared mentally they don’t play their best.  Or they’re so thrilled and overzealous about the chance they literally give it all they got and burn out or get injured fast.

Convincing you you’re worthless is the enemy’s way of getting you to believe you’re a third string player on a losing team when in fact, you own the league.

This is your life.

At what point did your account balance make you any less qualified to run it?

It’s a pretty brilliant strategy to add the layer of money to the equation, along with trying to convince you that you aren’t unique, and aren’t a child of God.  Then, even if you know you’re one in several billion and know you’re God’s favorite, if you don’t have a lot of money…

You might still believe you’re not in the game yet.

You opt into a self-defeating spiritual game of deflection and excuse:  God is working on me;  He will provide;  When I____;  Don’t despise small beginnings; He who’s faithful over little;  My much is on the way…

Every person you meet, every relationship you form, every endeavor you begin is blurred and limited by this lie that you’re not as wealthy as you’re meant to be yet.

Never realizing the truth is, He finished you before your one in seven-billion self entered the world He created for you to rule.

All the money and power in the world is worthless in the hands of a man with no integrity; a man with no God.  Men and women who think otherwise are suffering in the ways of a hell you could never imagine.

You inherited the Earth.

So the next time you reflect on whether you’re man enough, what your account balance looks like, what you will do when or would do if, think about whether He’s God enough.  What His wealth looks like.  What He’s done and has planned.

Act accordingly.

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The enemy within: Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self.

25 Jan

I wrote a handy list of relationship tips recently,  and am going deeper on one of them today: Know the God- given roles for people in your life and respect His authority.  

Much has been written about how people are in our lives for a reason, to play a specific role.  Encouragement is offered, and explanations of how to manage the God-given friendships in your life, how to define and recognize appropriate levels of intimacy and partnership for each role, and how to make sure not to pervert relationships or recast roles.

Not as much discussion is had about how to deal with God-given folks in your life who are not your friends.

Or even what they might look like.

If you’ve figured out you were put here for a reason, you’ve entered a race that will help others just because you stepped up.  Unfortunately that means others will be against you.  As my grandpa used to say, “If you have enemies, you must be doing something right.”

You can’t please everyone and you can’t ride the fence on injustice.  Some things are just wrong.  Some people will be your enemies.

It’s irresponsible to disregard danger, pretending it’ll go away if you don’t validate it with a response, or empower it with your thoughts or energy.

The reality is you need to know what you’re facing and you need a plan.

So let’s be clear on these God-given roles.

Partners:  Yay!!!  Those who support you, love you, are clearly brought into your life for a reason aligned with your purpose.  They will reflect the truth to you, especially when you lose sight of it.  Nurture and cherish and build those relationships: Life depends on it.

Enemies: Those who don’t support you, don’t love you, and are clearly brought into your life to oppose you.  Waste no time wondering whether they’ll change, whether you were sent to bring them to the light.  Recognize them.  Pray for them.  Keep your distance.

Then there’s the worst kind of enemy, the one you don’t recognize as opposition, because they’re so familiar and fun.

You.  The you that chooses the wrong path.  The lie.  The you who chooses random fun, just-once-can’t-hurt, what’s-the-big-deal, who’s-gonna-know-anyway.  The reality is, that’s all it takes.  Whether it’s one or a million little moments is irrelevant.

Because the problem isn’t how often, or how much you’ll risk your life or purpose for.  The problem isn’t the consequence of being caught.

The problem is that you’d think anything was worth risking your life or purpose.  The  problem is that you’d lie to yourself and God about who He is.  Not smart.

Give me the fire-breathing, knife-wielding, cannon-shooting, screaming psycho enemy all day long.

I’m from Watts, I got a plan for that.  See it coming miles away.

The hardest enemy to fight is the one in your head, trying to pull your strings like the God in you isn’t in charge.  And yes, this may show up as the alluring, tempting people in your life who activate the enemy within you.

Temptation ain’t coercion.  If you’re tempted it’s because there was a desire inside you for it in the first place.

And yes, the enemy within is God-given: It’s choice.

We truly do have free will and that’s what makes us powerful.  That’s why we can trust Him.  He fully trusts us, to make our own choices even though we’re a raging hot mess.  It’s up to us to choose right.

So how do you do that?

Take control.  If you have to, leave.  Ask for privacy.  Close your eyes and cover your ears.  This is not silly.  It is your life.  Why should you feel obligated to permit or invite others to inform a decision that you alone have to live with?  You wouldn’t let somebody tell you what to do in your house or with your money.  If someone insists on staying/talking/not letting you be alone for a minute let that be your red-alarm. No ifs-ands-buts-about-it, you gots ta go now.  Anyone who insists their presence is a prerequisite for you to tap into God is a liar.  Enemy.  Run.

Remember who you are.  You think the first thought that runs through President Obama’s head if a high school buddy calls to party is, “When and where?”  Nope.  It’s much more along the lines of, “I’m a husband.  I’m a father. I’m the President of the United States.  I’m the leader of the free world.  Is you crazy?”  Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self.  If you have to, start by remembering who you’re not:  You are not helpless, lost, stupid, desperate, crazy, broke, alone, needy, tired, sad, etc.  Look up.  You are a child of God.  Remember.

Get the right idea and act on it.  Don’t assume because you thought it would be a good idea it is.  Especially not if you have a cosigner nearby.  Our minds, feelings and bodies are not free-wheeling playgrounds we can’t control.  If that were the case we’d remain infants forever.  Grow up.  Take responsibility for yourself.  That begins with realizing  every thing is not a good idea, every emotion is not to be acted upon, every action is not forced.  Dogs do whatever they want.  They also eat their own vomit and hump trees.  Just saying.  That ain’t freedom.  You can opt out, and opt in to the right idea.  Think up.  If you have to spend every waking minute praying to master your mind and control your thoughts, do it.

Taking these steps sets the stage and clears the way for you to focus on Him, so you can clearly recognize the enemy within and keep your distance.

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If you were ready to be married, you would be.

2 Oct

I’m fascinated by the intensity of the unmarried population’s marriage outlook these days.  It seems to range from I have a wedding dress (or ring) all picked out… To half of marriages end in divorce, all men will cheat and all women will hurt you, so what’s so bad about polygamy anyway?

Having been in a life-changing, amazing relationship for longer than some folks have been married I’ve had quite a ride.  And I know, without a doubt, with all the introspection, prayer, self-analysis, growth, and etc. that I’ve done, there’s still more to do before I’ll be ready to marry the man of my dreams.  No offense love.

Know how I know?

It’s simple:  We’re not married yet.  We’re not even engaged.

There’s no fear or judgment or worry about why not.  I’m acutely aware of what I still need to work on to truly be ready to hold my own in a covenant relationship as a wife.  That work has everything to do with me.

One person’s work is no harder or easier, better or worse than another’s.  Some folks have to overcome a lifetime of longing for marriage and family.  Others a lifetime of rejection.  Others a lifetime of abuse, and still others a lifetime of being promiscuous, or being lost, or without purpose.  Others, a lifetime of perfect expectations.  Still others, a lifetime of conditioning that led to misplaced values and dependency.

So.  The number one thing to remember about marriage as a single person is how incredibly  simple it is.

If you were ready to be married, you would be.

That’s not some judgment against you, your imaginary white knight, your relationship status or lack thereof.

The statement “If you were ready to be married, you would be” is not only a great perspective-setter, it’s also a handily inarguable fact.

Let’s back into it.

You gotta get married to be married.

And if you were truly ready for your wedding, I mean you had the bride or groom, plans all set, bubbles and flower girls etc…  you’d be at or on your way to the venue in your tux or gown right now.  Perhaps the day hasn’t arrived yet.

To have a wedding date you’ve gotta have someone to marry.  If you were really ready to be a fiance, there’d be a ring on your finger.  If you were actually ready to get engaged you’d be in the middle of the proposal this moment.  Perhaps the proposal is on its way.

To get engaged you gotta meet your fiance at least (I hope).  I mean, if you were in fact ready to meet your mate they would have been introduced to you, as such.  Perhaps at the next date they’ll say they think you’re their future spouse.

To tell someone they’re your future spouse you gotta at least know someone.  If you were ready to court or be courted you’d have the next date set.  Perhaps that’ll happen soon.

Until then, let’s honestly admit: If you’re single and looking, your search better be within and had better involve a power higher than you or an imagined spouse.  If you haven’t found yourself yet, how is someone else going to?

Marriage isn’t a t-shirt you pull out of the closet and wear.  It’s a covenant you form, a new family you build.

You.

Why wouldn’t the first place you begin when it comes to getting married, with striving for the very best you?

Yes, of course there are folks who will have you while you’re unwilling to improve yourself, but why would you settle for that?  Someone who doesn’t care if you want to be your best you, likely doesn’t care about being their best either. And y’all are going to procreate?

Save the babies.

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Gifted part 2: Honoring men who embrace and share their gifts.

10 Jul

Over the weekend, some girlfriends and I had a stirring conversation about authority, and how differently we communicate when we embrace authority.  We also acknowledged how intimidating it can be to know the awesome responsibility that comes with it.

As I continue the never-ending journey of self-discovery, there are several awe-inspiring, beautiful souls who motivate me, and changed who I am for the better: People who walk with authority, who boldly and courageously follow their purpose in full surrender.

Some of these beautiful souls are women, writers and professionals I’m privileged to call my friends, who prompted me to honor their gifts in this forum.

Today, this post will honor some brilliant, powerful, talented men who are fearless and commanding leaders, a blessing to all.

These men impact the lives of thousands of people and through their struggle and guiding light, are making the world a better place.

But let me assure you…

At some point every single one of these formidable men was a little boy playing with toys, whose wildest dreams didn’t compare to the vision of their lives now.

Timothy Watkins.  

His father Ted was a civil rights leader and activist who migrated to California from Mississippi at 13, fleeing a lynch mob.  Tim is the leader of the Watts Labor Community Action Committee, a non-profit in Watts Ted founded in 1965.  WLCAC helps more than 30,000 homeless, elderly, impoverished, unemployed people every year.  Tim is my daddy and friend, an amazing father, musician, carpenter, mechanic, artist, leader and man who I learn from every day.

Learn more about Tim’s work at WLCAC.

Pastor Touré Roberts (PT):

The movement PT started changed my life on February 14th, 2010.  Before then, I scoffed at church.  Since then, I’m slowly uncovering the truth through his leadership, membership, and ministry, which is about life.  Love.  Power.  Purpose.  Strength.  Joy. Peace.  The deadly-serious, love and life-filled prophetic messages he shares and Godly example he sets has freed and empowered me to live fully… And I rightfully thought I was living it up pretty strong before.  PT is the founder and leader of One Church International, and the Artist Resource Center (ARC) in North Hollywood and has a phenomenally talented family.  And he’s flippin’ hilarious.  Who quotes Suga Free in church?

Learn more about PT’s work at One Church and the ARC.

Jason Mitchell:  

There are friends you feel you’ve known forever.  Who leave no doubt there are no coincidences in this world, no random connections.  A photographer, community activist, spiritual leader and motivational speaker, Jason is a force to be reckoned with.  I’m inspired by his life, excited to see how his journey continues to unfold.

Learn more about Jason’s photography.

Travis Townsend:  

Travis is using his talent as a communicator and young attorney to change the way people understand the law and break the cycle of incarceration for young people of color.  He built his own practice in Atlanta, is an active community leader, speaker, volunteer, mentor, and co-author of the groundbreaking book, When the Cops Come Knocking, an instructional guide to criminal law using laymen’s terms.  He’s definitely one of those guys who leave you wondering whether you really optimized your time today.

Learn more about Travis’ law firm or book.

PeQue Brown:  

It is extremely rare for someone to be born a talented visual artist, leader, singer, visionary and pastor.  It’s even more rare to meet and work with such a person.  PeQue is all those things and more, and his unique ministry, LIQUID, uses live mural painting, song, dance, spoken word, acting, and hip hop to transform lives all over the world. 

Learn more about LIQUID.

Gabriel Roland:

I’ve been singing for over thirty years.  Only last year did I realize my singing had the power to change my own life and others through worship.  This realization came in part because of Gabe, who’s had the privilege of being mentored by PT.  His commitment to excellence, exemplary guiding force and leadership for the most powerful music ministry I’ve ever heard, has truly transformed the way I saw my own gifts, and helped me grow as a singer, person and leader.  Not to mention, he’s got a fantastic voice, is an amazing songwriter, pianist and guitarist, cuts a mean rug…

And generous spirit he is, his mix tape is online.

$Free.99

Hear Gabe’s music.

Nathan Fluellan:

This man lives for a living.  I mean, he travels the world experiencing different cultures and lifestyles, and has made it his purpose to share that with others.  He has a genuine love for people and appreciation of life that shows in everything he does, whether it’s flying an airplane, leading karaoke (singing is not Nathan’s purpose), running with the bulls in Barcelona, or ascending mountains in Cape Town.

Learn more about Nate’s company, World Wide Nate.

Jaime Guerrero:

Like jewelry making, glassblowing is an extremely rare and expensive art form.  Few artists learn the craft, and even fewer use it to facilitate social change and impact the lives of those less fortunate.  Through his work with Tim at WLCAC, Jaime is diligently using his passion for the dangerous and beautiful art form to turn life around for kids in Watts who had no idea they could become expert glassblowers… Much less put their talents to the test.  Jaime’s sculptures deal with symbols of Chicano culture that resonate with youth living in poverty all over the country.

See Jaime’s work here.

Ebenezer Quaye:  

Ebenezer is an admirable man, friend, teacher, actor, writer, singer, dancer, cook, and baker.  He has the most powerfully insightful understanding of human nature I’ve ever seen, and an enormous heart.  He shares inspiring meditations on scripture daily.  His approach to life and presence within mine necessitated self-evolution in ways I didn’t know were possible.  I’m a different, and better person in part, because of him.  Ebenezer is a living example:  The way we live our own life can change someone else’s for the better.

A living example.

Not one month ago, the healthy, vivacious spirit below was diagnosed with a life-threatening condition: Multiple blood clots in both lungs.  Came out of nowhere, had no explanation.  How did he take it?

As a sign of God’s plan for greatness in his life:  Ordinary people aren’t targeted for assassination.

Read Ebenezer’s daily inspirational messages here.

Every single one of these men are living their lives with the intent and purpose that comes with knowing every life, every day, every hour matters.

These men are shining beacons of God’s light and glory, beautiful examples inside and out, of what we can achieve when we MOVE, fearless and without shame, FORWARD.

Do what you love.

Don’t be afraid of the responsibility that comes with authority.

Don’t forget:

You never know how a small part of your life is making a big difference in another’s.

Be encouraged.

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Men: Real, grown-up superheroes.

31 May

I’m a 32 year-old woman surrounded by real men: My father and grandfather, best friend, brothers, friends and colleagues at work, home, church and life.

Beyond our very different individual relationships, they all have one thing in common:

They protect me.

So here I stand, a petite woman only 5 feet tall and backed by my circle of protection from real men, calling for your help:

Be a superhero:  Stand up.  Step forward.  Speak out.  LEAD.

Stop being lied to, manipulated, and cheated of your value and worth.

Real men aren’t sexy escorts with big bank accounts.  Real men aren’t violently angry druggies or drunkards.  Real men aren’t sex-slaves addicted to cheap encounters with sexy women, strippers, adulterers, porn or prostitutes.  Real men aren’t shallow, emotionally limited commitment-phobes who can’t and won’t speak up for themselves.  Real men don’t physically and emotionally abuse women.  Real men aren’t available to be twisted around the finger of the first Jezebel spirit to cross their path disguised as opportunity, pleasure, fame, money, love, friend, family… Or God.

Soon-to-be-real-men have a paralyzing fear of responsibility and do anything to distract themselves from it.

Men are meant to protect life’s most precious gift, mothers, daughters, sisters and women: Life.  

Real men are the protectors of life.  

Talk about superheroes.

So where are you?

Our grandmothers, daughters, sisters, and mothers are unprotected and suffering.  We are screaming, raped and broken.  We are crying, sold and bloodied and broken.  We are howling, beaten, and broken.  We are sobbing, filmed, paid and broken.  We are whispering, flirting, dancing and tipped and broken.  We are chasing, bedded, aching and broken.  We are sauntering, scantily-clad and desperate and broken.

We are all around you.

Your childhood friend, colleague, church member, salesperson, relative, facebook-friend, celebrity, and leader.

We are all around you, secretly begging for our lives.  For your protection.

Will you protect us?

Or are you only man enough to protect the easy ones: The women you truly love, who also truly love you back?

Will you man up, shake off silence, and fight for the women, who give birth to presidents, kings, queens, artists, and leaders… You?

Or will you imagine what my daughter looks like naked?  Will you tuck a five dollar bill into my mother’s thong and laugh?  Will you lure my little sister into your bed?  Will you buy my grandmother for sex?  Will you watch my little girl in a movie for your fleeting pleasure?  Will you punch me in the stomach and tell me you love me?  Will you destroy my baby by convincing her the best she can be is a five-second orgasm in a man’s life?

Yes, it is the same.

Every woman is someone’s true love.

We need you.

We aren’t desperate for those convenient relationships that allow the people in them to pretend a real man’s protection isn’t needed because the woman isn’t worthy of it.

We are desperate for real men.

The kind who won’t lie to themselves about what abuse really is, stand by silently when their brothers refuse to protect us, pretend it’s no big deal when men violate us, or refuse to commit their lives to protecting and honoring us.

Is it because of a fear that you won’t matter, that you don’t fight?  Is it because you can only do so much?

So much.

You can do so much.

Beginning with understanding.

There’s no such thing as a little bit or okay.

Understanding that if you could see your daughter’s face in every rape victim, sex slave, prostitute, stripper, conquest, or attractive woman…

Something in your stomach would stir.

Not lust.

Manhood.

The knowledge and unwavering understanding and commitment to your role as life’s protector.

Not the ex, the tipper, viewer, abuser, ogler, client, or purchaser.

You’re right.

You alone, can not change the world, nor can you protect every woman in it.

You are not alone.

Yes, of course there are men out there who think this is ridiculous, that no real man does this.  If they admitted this is true, wouldn’t they also have to admit they aren’t a real man, yet?

Please.

As a daughter, a grand-daughter, a great-great-granddaughter, an older and younger sister, the love of someone’s life… I beg you.

Find some superheroes.

Stand up.  Step forward.  Speak out.  LEAD.

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Choose Love

17 Feb

You’ve probably heard the sad tales of ridiculous superhuman standards and the multitudes of single humans wookin’ pa nub in all the wrong places because of them.  And for the record, I abhor this tendency and am quite aware that even those of us who think we’re looking for the right things, sometimes aren’t.  I even had to adjust my standards to find the dreamy, god-fearing man I’m with.

But today, we’ve got to recognize there is a huge difference between resetting dating criteria and recognizing your value.  Your sense of self-love should block you from settling for anything less than goodness and honor like a cement wall lined with flashing red lights and danger signs.

There is absolutely no reason some fool (man or woman) with a gajillion, fafillion dollars, round backside or sculpted arms, and devilish charm should get away with treating you like anything less than the king or queen you are.

And if they can, guess what?

You, are not ready to be looking for someone to date.

You are still alive, still looking to improve yourself and therefore still worthy of the best life has to offer.  But if you keep ordering chicken wangs at a five-star french restaurant that’s all you’re going to get.

Everyone in your life is someone you choose to put there.  Your family, friends, coworkers, life partner: Everyone.  And you need to know, and always remember that they should value and honor you: And receive the same in return.

That means urrrrbody is really really nice to you.

They listen.  They do what they say they will.  They’re there for you when  things are tough.  They celebrate your accomplishments.  They respect you.  They like spending time with you.  They like you.  They love you.

That should be the norm.

To be worth our time, a romantic relationship should be the most intimate relationship we have outside of the spiritual realm.  It has to be extraordinary.  It has to be far beyond normal, able to stretch and challenge and empower your growth.  Would you trust a God that couldn’t do anything for you but be nice?  I mean, that’s ok but I’ve seen the mountains, the galaxy, the clouds, the oceans… Just nice ain’t enough.

Which also means it’s the bare minimum, ground zero for any romantic relationship.  What’s scary is, when folks have let the seeds of self-doubt, grow into the insidious crawler of self-loathing… Lots of things get a pass.

A person whose words and actions don’t line up, but apologizes really well is given a pass.  A person who knows how to date well, or make you swoon but doesn’t awaken your spirit gets a pass.  A person who’s great company but doesn’t inspire any greatness in you is given a pass.  A person who does everything right but just isn’t ready to commit yet… Passes.

You deserve more.  You are more.

But as long as you’ve got chicken wangs in your mouth there’s no room for lobster thermidor.  As long as you’re filling critical roles in your life with the wrong people, you’ll never be able to get what you need from them at the most critical time.

You have to want more.  And to realize that maybe, just maybe if you don’t want more… If you think it’s enough to have a piece of a person, the bare minimum of human interaction…

Maybe it’s time to ask why.

Why shouldn’t you get the fairy tale?  Why shouldn’t you have the best of everything an amazing person has to offer you?  Why aren’t you meeting the man or woman of your dreams?

It’s because there’s a lot more work you have to do on yourself first.  Things that are familiar and more easily attainable are usually not the best things for us.

At some point in that five-star restaurant, with the French menu that lists chicken wangs in English… You’ve got to wake up and realize you ordered your dish because you didn’t know what everything else was, and how good it might be.

That’s not a choice.

Love is.

 

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How to REALLY get (and keep) the love of your life..

6 Dec

Years ago, I was single.  And I got some really perfect advice about avoiding the hotmessdedness that is the inevitable outcome of  the single-and-looking process.

I was told to be careful what I wished for.

At the time, I asked myself:

  • Do you really want to meet more people or do you want to rediscover yourself?
  • Do you really want to be dating people or do you want to be fulfilled in dating yourself?
  • Do you really want to be with one or do you want to be one with self, whole?
  • Are you really ready to be married?
  • Don’t you simply want happiness and contentment?
  • Then why are you looking for a goshdarned thing?

Too often, we look at symbols and idols and pretend they are either symptoms or causes of happiness.

Question: How do you get a man or woman?

Answer: You don’t.  You get you.  Focus on you.  The fact is, you don’t need a motherlovin’ thing to be happy but you.  Not a wife, or a husband, or a car, or a home, or a drink, or a dance, or a dress, or new shoes, or jewelry, or church, or pets, or family, or friends, or kids.

You know why?

Because all around the world there are people who have all of those things and are still unhappy.

You are the one constant in your life.

So.  The next time you find yourself yearning to change your circumstance, yearn to change yourself.  Figure out who you are.  What you like.  How you feel and why.

Grow.

Change.

Evolve.

Learn to love yourself like no one else can.  In the process, you will inch ever closer to the best version of yourself.   And why would you want to be anything less?  Why would you want to be with someone who wanted a lesser version of you? In life, we deserve to be surrounded by people who see and love our most divine selves, who uplift us: But it’s our responsibility to discern who belongs around us and in what role.

Question: How do you keep ‘em?

Answer:  Keep it up.  You have to take ownership of living your own life.  It is not lived for anyone else but you.  Even as parents, if you’re unable to care for yourself first your children will suffer immeasurably.  Maintain your sense of self.  Do the things you love.  Continually rediscover and explore yourself.

In an ideal romantic relationship, you won’t complete each other: Life is always growing and changing.  And you won’t love each other more than life itself:  That’s a suicide pact, not love.  You won’t ever know everything there is to know about each other, and yourselves:  Healthy people are constantly changing.

You want to know how to get and keep a really great relationship?

Revel in finding out and falling in  love with all there is to know about yourself, your spirit, your life first.

And never stop.

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Defining Mr. and Mrs. Right

31 Oct

As we approach cuddle season- also known as winter or oddly foggy and rainy season for Southern Californians- I’ve noticed some thangs.

I’ve noticed people commenting that Halloween is a chance for folks to secure their winter cuddle-buddy by indulging their dark alter egos for a night.

More importantly, I’ve noticed profound statements of love:

Lover’s reunions after decades and continents apart; Friends leaping in faith and courage and airplanes to pursue a life of love together; Marriages blooming as families grow; Unexpected soulmates committing to marriage ; Lasting relationships deepening, refreshing, renewing, growing.

As I revel in this glorious love fest on Monday, October 31st which happens to be Halloween and a week before my 32nd birthday, it highlights another thang.

There really are a lot of folk out there.

Good folk.

Men folk.

Women folk.

Folk who are smart, good-looking, healthy, kind, and arguably sane.  Some are all relationshiptondoned up.  Some are flying solo and sanguine.  Fine and skippy all around.

Awesome.

So of course this begs the question: In the midst of all these folk, how do you define Mr. or Mrs. Right?  As in, folk for folk to fall magically in unicorn-land love with.

There are many catchy sound bites answering the question of what defines Mr. or Mrs. Right:

  • Be the kind of person you would want to fall in love with.
  • Hold out for intense, butterfly-filled love.
  • Love yourself fully before you love another.
  • If they’re willing to wait for you, it can last forever.
  • If you let them go and they come back, they were and always will be yours.
  • If they get along with their mom, they’re a keeper.
  • If babies like them, they’re a keeper.
  • If puppies and kittens and other young mammals like them, they’re a keeper.

In my opinon, the messages that sum it up best, are about a woman who is everything a woman could be… And conversely what a man should be.  Check it out:

An accomplished woman, who can find? Her value is far beyond pearls.

Her husband’s heart relies on her and he shall lack no fortune. 

She does him good and not evil, all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax, and works with her hands willingly.
She is like the merchant ships, she brings her bread from afar.
She arises while it is still night, and gives food to her household and a portion to her maidservants.
She plans for a field, and buys it. With the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She girds her loins in strength, and makes her arms strong.
She knows that her merchandise is good. Her candle does not go out at night.
She sets her hands to the distaff, and holds the spindle in her hands.
She extends her hands to the poor, and reaches out her hand to the needy.
She fears not for her household because of snow, because her whole household is warmly dressed.
She makes covers for herself, her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known at the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes a cloak and sells it, and she delivers aprons to the merchant.
Strength and honor are her clothing, she smiles at the future.
She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the lesson of kindness is on her tongue.
She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise and praise her, her husband lauds her.
Many women have done worthily, but you surpass them all.
Charm is deceptive and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears God shall be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.

And for our gents:

My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, 
turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding— 
indeed, if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, 
and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, 
then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. 

For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. 


He holds success in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.

Then you will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path. 
For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. 
Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.

Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse, who have left the straight paths to walk in dark ways, who delight in doing wrong and rejoice in the perverseness of evil, whose paths are crooked and who are devious in their ways.

Wisdom will save you also from the adulterous woman, from the wayward woman with her seductive words, who has left the partner of her youth and ignored the covenant she made before God.[a] 


Surely her house leads down to death and her paths to the spirits of the dead. 
None who go to her return or attain the paths of life.

Thus you will walk in the ways of the good and keep to the paths of the righteous. 

For the upright will live in the land, and the blameless will remain in it; 
but the wicked will be cut off from the land, and the unfaithful will be torn from it.

There you have it.  Mr. Right is a wise, discerning, strong, ethical, faithful compassionate leader.  Mrs. Right is a wise, diligent, beautiful, successful, faithful, kind leader.

Doesn’t that make things simple?

Thanks proverbs.

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A light in the dark

19 Aug

There is no darkness in which light can't shine.

I’m going on my 32nd annual family camping trip this weekend.  Day after day of languishing in the sun on the beach, drinking in nature’s wonders.  Of course, the week of vacation is the biggest hotmessdedness royale with cheese you could ever order or run from.  After a couple days of scrambling, I was grateful for my mid-week treat: Singing.  I totally sing for the LorT.  And love it.  Praise him.

After rehearsal I went straight home instead of staying for mid-week service because I had to pack and prep for camping.  That essentially turned into me taking the following very efficient steps:

1) Grab mounds of clothes and place them on my dining room table;

2) Open closet door.

3) Stare at suitcase.

4) Close closet door.

5) Lay on bed.

As I lay there in soft lamplight, my little home was quiet, warm, with a light fragrance of lavender.  The ceiling fan’s breeze blew softly against my skin. Then, like the quiet roar of a distant siren a chilling sound assaulted my ears.

It was the muffled noises of a quiet scuffle.  Paralyzed, I listened to the sounds of flesh bruising flesh, thinking to myself, “How long before I am compelled to do something?  How long do I listen in this little peaceful bubble?”

As that thought slid away, the crack of gunfire broke my paralysis.

Unbelieving, I lay poised to move when her voice came in the night, from the darkness:

“Shoot me then.  Go ahead and kill me then.  Shoot me.”

As my heart raced with fear and my mind for a plan I unplugged my cell phone, slid off the bed and crawled into the hallway.

I slid an arm around each door to turn off the dining room, bathroom, and bedroom lights, securing myself in darkness.

Another shot rang out.

Several more.

Silence.

Plugged in my phone, closed all four doors to the narrow four by 11-foot hallway, and sat terrified and alone, on the floor in the dark.

I dialed 911 and whispered the explanation of what I’d heard, about 7 or more shots fired during a domestic disturbance.  They connected me to the sheriff who listened to the same story and guesstimated the address for my neighbors’ home.

All was still.

I called my brother who lives across the street.  He had heard the gunfire, asked if I was ok and explained he and my other brother, a security guard licensed to carry a firearm were on the way.

Finally, I returned my man’s call, who’d rang when the first shot was fired, and was on his way home from church.  He was moments away.  All three men showed up at the same moment, so my brothers made sure I was ok and left us alone together.

As I explained what had happened the light of the squad cars pulsed in the night beyond my shaded windows.  He held me as I cried and we sat in silence, basked in the golden glow of my warm living room.  It was now shrouded in a dark, heavy energy.   My brother called again to share what he’d seen of the sheriff’s stop, which appeared to be a cursory ground inspection for bullet casings and swift departure.  We prayed for peace and love to envelope my neighbor’s home, my home, my block.

As our spirits lifted, we began talking about spirituality and the question of religion: My passive-aggressive militant stance, up until earlier this year, included a staunch refusal to own or read the Bible.
As an obsessive reader, writer and English major who even loves reading the dictionary, this was wildly silly.  For most of my life I had mistakenly assigned religion the causal role in major world conflict instead of spirituality as the desired result.  Even today it is difficult for me to subscribe to the idea that there is only one path to spiritual enlightenment.
But that evening, as I suppressed violent images and fearful thoughts, there was only thing that brought me toward the peace we prayed for.
The certainty that this universe is not made of or driven by earthly beings bound by fear and anger.  The force behind life is the purest love, strongest power, deepest strength, unfathomable perfection.
Secure in His powerful arms, I slept soundly that night.
Grateful for another humbling reminder of His grace.

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Ken-Doll: Product specifications

23 Sep

While at an amazing play over the weekend (www.bitchtheplay.com) I found myself giggling at a line in one of the monologues.  The character was swooning about the godly behavior of her mythical “One”… Because he showed up on time and opened doors.  Giggle.

Chivalry is not dead.  And I’m not spoiled rotten.  Spoiled, yes.  But I spoil too so it evens out…

Here we will list 50 things to expect from a man who knows how to treat a lady.

Even your buddies should be doing these things up to item 30. It’s stuff Daddys do.  Help them step their game up for the special Barbie they’ll find by putting them on point now.

I’ll be honest, as a do-it-yourself Daddy’s girl with a tool belt and strength to baffle many men, my man had some training to do… And I’m a pretty well-domesticated animal.

This is not a challenge to your superwoman strength or capacity, rather a display of respect and honor.  Don’t worry. A handy list for the ladies will follow.

For you fellas who aren’t sure… Do this, without prompting.  Women will swoon and your game will skyrocket.  Enjoy it.  Should you need instructions or tips on the following, let me know and I’ll explain each in detail.

Ken Doll Product Specifications: Should your Ken Doll malfunction, or fail to perform the following Fifty Fab actions, please return to the manufacturer with proof of purchase.

  1. Open doors
  2. Be on time
  3. Call if late (<–Before arrival time)
  4. Walk closest to the curb
  5. Guide you when walking together through a crowd
  6. Help you take off your jacket
  7. Wait until you’re seated to sit
  8. Pull out your chair
  9. Offer his seat if standing
  10. Carry more stuff than you do
  11. Make sure you never walk anywhere alone at night
  12. Move big stuff
  13. Move heavy stuff
  14. Move ugly stuff
  15. Kill or scare things
  16. Check on scary noises
  17. Take out the trash
  18. Give you his jacket
  19. Cover you if it’s raining
  20. Help or lift you over puddles
  21. Handle all things fiery
  22. Handle all things vehicular
  23. Help you up and down steps
  24. Help you in and out of cars
  25. Make sure you’re never out late alone
  26. Stand up for you
  27. Help you out when you need a hand
  28. Listen when you need an ear
  29. Advise when you need wisdom
  30. Correct when you need checkin’
  31. Direct when you need leadership
  32. Pick you up for dates…
  33. And drop you off (bukkit-nekkit?)
  34. Drool when you wear minis
  35. Attack when you’re bukkit….
    Sorry.  I got distracted.  Um.Chivalry.  Stuff he should do.  Clearly this morphed into something else around number 30.  (Blushing)

    No matter.  So… For the Ken doll in your life whose special parts weren’t melted into a permanent shield… I continue with specs for your special Ken doll…

  36. Handle it.
  37. Take care of it.
  38. Cover it.
    Note: If 36 to 38 seem vague or cryptic now, wait ’till the love of your life utters those little words to you and check back.
  39. Make things ok
  40. Rub your feet if you’re weary
  41. Rub your back if it’s sore
  42. Rub your… DANGIT!  This is hard.
    Refocusing.
  43. Soothe you
  44. Dress up for you
  45. Smell nice for you
  46. Take care of himself
  47. Do nice things for you just because
  48. Center  you
  49. Adore you
  50. Make your relationship top priority

Mind you, this is not for you if your interest is in the garbage pail kid type:

Now… In case any of you ladies or gents (who obviously don’t know me) thought the ladies were about to be pampered free of charge…

Barbie product specifications are next: http://tinawatkins.wordpress.com/2010/09/28/barbie-doll-product-specifications/

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