Tag Archives: self-love

Never alone: Always in love.

14 Feb

HeartRomance begins with you.

Love on yourself today and everyday, so your relationship reflects healing and wholeness now and in the future.

Relationships are not two people completing each other.  They are two hearts reflecting two spirits, enhanced.  So the condition of your spirit is magnified.

If it isn’t right alone, it will just be worse with someone else.

Relationships are not two people using themselves up in an attempt to offer fleeting earthly symbols of love for each other.  They are two friends, walking, running, dancing, resting, and stumbling together down the path of life, learning, changing, loving, and drinking in the glory as they go.

If the journey isn’t more important than the destination you’ll end up attached and lonely all at once.

So to everyone every day, who celebrates love with the simple act of thinking, nourishing, cleansing, smiling, caring, changing, listening, giving, feeling, trying…

For themselves, others and the world especially when these, the easiest things seem hardest to do and at that moment for that reason, matter most…

Thank you.

I love you.

‘Cause you’re alive and that means you’re worthy of it.

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The beauty of life: Dancing in purpose

9 Nov

This is the scene I woke up to on my 33rd birthday: A simple, elegant, vibrant daisy brilliantly and naturally lit by the morning sun.


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If you were ready to be married, you would be.

2 Oct

I’m fascinated by the intensity of the unmarried population’s marriage outlook these days.  It seems to range from I have a wedding dress (or ring) all picked out… To half of marriages end in divorce, all men will cheat and all women will hurt you, so what’s so bad about polygamy anyway?

Having been in a life-changing, amazing relationship for longer than some folks have been married I’ve had quite a ride.  And I know, without a doubt, with all the introspection, prayer, self-analysis, growth, and etc. that I’ve done, there’s still more to do before I’ll be ready to marry the man of my dreams.  No offense love.

Know how I know?

It’s simple:  We’re not married yet.  We’re not even engaged.

There’s no fear or judgment or worry about why not.  I’m acutely aware of what I still need to work on to truly be ready to hold my own in a covenant relationship as a wife.  That work has everything to do with me.

One person’s work is no harder or easier, better or worse than another’s.  Some folks have to overcome a lifetime of longing for marriage and family.  Others a lifetime of rejection.  Others a lifetime of abuse, and still others a lifetime of being promiscuous, or being lost, or without purpose.  Others, a lifetime of perfect expectations.  Still others, a lifetime of conditioning that led to misplaced values and dependency.

So.  The number one thing to remember about marriage as a single person is how incredibly  simple it is.

If you were ready to be married, you would be.

That’s not some judgment against you, your imaginary white knight, your relationship status or lack thereof.

The statement “If you were ready to be married, you would be” is not only a great perspective-setter, it’s also a handily inarguable fact.

Let’s back into it.

You gotta get married to be married.

And if you were truly ready for your wedding, I mean you had the bride or groom, plans all set, bubbles and flower girls etc…  you’d be at or on your way to the venue in your tux or gown right now.  Perhaps the day hasn’t arrived yet.

To have a wedding date you’ve gotta have someone to marry.  If you were really ready to be a fiance, there’d be a ring on your finger.  If you were actually ready to get engaged you’d be in the middle of the proposal this moment.  Perhaps the proposal is on its way.

To get engaged you gotta meet your fiance at least (I hope).  I mean, if you were in fact ready to meet your mate they would have been introduced to you, as such.  Perhaps at the next date they’ll say they think you’re their future spouse.

To tell someone they’re your future spouse you gotta at least know someone.  If you were ready to court or be courted you’d have the next date set.  Perhaps that’ll happen soon.

Until then, let’s honestly admit: If you’re single and looking, your search better be within and had better involve a power higher than you or an imagined spouse.  If you haven’t found yourself yet, how is someone else going to?

Marriage isn’t a t-shirt you pull out of the closet and wear.  It’s a covenant you form, a new family you build.

You.

Why wouldn’t the first place you begin when it comes to getting married, with striving for the very best you?

Yes, of course there are folks who will have you while you’re unwilling to improve yourself, but why would you settle for that?  Someone who doesn’t care if you want to be your best you, likely doesn’t care about being their best either. And y’all are going to procreate?

Save the babies.

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The Substance of Style: Shopping tips

31 Jul

Style matters.  It’s another way to communicate.
Don’t believe me?
Think about the most ridiculous outfit you’ve ever seen.  Imagine the POTUS wearing it while delivering the State of the Union address.
Style communicates.  Style matters.
We owe it to ourselves to demonstrate care and concern for how we express ourselves.
It’s not easy to develop a sense of style, and unfortunately fashion trial-and-error is pretty tricky.  These handy posts will help you identify pitfalls and prepare for style glory, all in wondrous privacy:
Today we tackle shopping, which should be fun, not torture.
GENERAL SHOPPING TIPS:
First, before you go…

  • Let go of your expectations.  You’re looking for clothes, not your long lost brother.  Nothing you do or don’t find will make your day, event, interview, date, appearance etc., any better or worse.
  • Don’t shop for an occasion. That’s like grocery shopping when you’re hungry.  If you must, first figure out what you already have that works  and get excited about that.  Then, go shopping.  Give yourself time, and be okay with not finding what you want.
  • Let go of your size worries.  Fashion is a global market, and true sizes change with seasons, stores, designers, and type of garment.  If you have body image problems that’s a self-love issue.  Money can’t buy you love.  Clothing should fit.  Period.  If you squeeze a size two body into toddler jeans it will look bad.  Get over it.
  • Don’t invite your spouse unless you’re buying lingerie or swimsuits.
  • Don’t shop with anyone unless they’re patient, have a good sense of style, and are brutally honest.
  • Don’t shop if you ain’t ready to spend.  Know what you can afford and set your budget before you leave.  Window shop only as research for something expensive.
  • Wear an outfit easy to remove and undergarments easy to wear with what you might try on.
  • Develop and maintain a sense of what’s comfortable and complements your figure as it is.  If you’re not sure, experiment with different shapes.  See how it looks and feels when clothing fits your waist/hips/neck/arms/bust/legs/height differently and take note of what’s best.

In the store…

  • Hold your hand against a garment to make sure it looks great against your skin.
  • Grab everything you like or that catches your attention, in whatever size you think will fit.
  • If you’re not sure whether it’s your size grab more than one.
  • Try on types of clothing, not outfits (tops only, then dresses, pants, etc.)
  • Do not fight to put on a piece of clothing.
  • Sort as you try on clothes: Yes, Maybe and No.
DECIDING WHAT’S BEST: For the yes and maybe piles, answer these questions.
  • Does it look good?
  • Does it fit right? (Check for snugness and length when sitting and bending over; length of cuffs and hemline, gathering or puckering in weird places.)
  • Would I take care of it?

Um.  If the answers to those first questions are no, it should be in the no pile.  You no buy.

  • Is this awesome?
  • Do I already have something like this?
  • When would I wear this?
  • What would I wear this with?

If the answers to the last few questions are resoundingly wishy-washy it’s a maybe.  

DECIDING WHAT TO BUY: Once you’ve tried on everything, look at your yes pile and add up the cost and tax.  If it’s not affordable, whittle down until it is.   If it is affordable, consider the maybe’s, whittling down until within budget.

If ever you’re not 150% certain about buying, leave it.  For a week or two.  If you still feel unsure, forget it.

By the by, affordable is different for everyone.  For me, if it costs more than $15 it deserves a serious re-thinking.

Most of my clothing, formal wear included, costs between $10 and $20:

$10 dress. I have four.

$15 floor length dress.

Jacket-Gift, $10 red dress, scarf as belt-Gift, earrings-gift.

Dress, $15. Wraps (I’m wearing a white one and a tan one) 3 for $12. Earrings $2. P.O.G. Priceless.

$10 sweater as a beach cover-up. $10 hat.

$12 dress, $15 cowboy hat… From CVS.

 

$15 dress

Special tips for shopping in the Garment District, at Festivals, and at Inexpensive boutiques:

1- Do NOT stick to the most well-known shopping streets.  They’re more expensive and don’t necessarily carry the best stuff.  Vendors will typically have clothing, footwear, jewelry, handbags, and other accessories.
2- Circle before you actually shop.  Many of vendors carry similar items for different prices, so wander until you feel you’ve hit the least expensive one.
3-Don’t buy in the first store you visit, you can go back.
4- Carry cash (So you can…)
5- BARGAIN: These folks will reduce listed prices by up to 40%.  Ask them whether they’ll cut down the price if you buy more than one item, or (my favorite) pretend you don’t have enough cash on you to pay for the item.  Conveniently, you should pretend you only have the exact amount you’d like to pay.  Walk out when you want to close the deal and they’ll usually stop you and acquiesce.
6- Wear comfortable shoes.
7- Go early to avoid crowds and depleted stock.
HAVE FUN!!!

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The substance of style: Wardrobe basics

30 Jul

I worked at a clothing store during my multiple-job phase in college, and am glad I can look back fondly on those (ahem) unique work moments and lessons.

Por ejemplo.

Work moment: Greeting folks with a cheerful, excited grin led to apologies from confused customers.

Lesson: Genuine joy in shopping malls is completely disarming.

Work moment:  Towering high heels.

Lesson: Hurt feet.

Work moment:  Successfully negotiated my first salary increase as a counteroffer to a promotion that would have actually lowered my take-home pay.

Lesson:  Know your worth.

It was fun, and because I cared less about selling and more about people and style, I was darn good at it.

My favorite story is about a kind, older woman who came in with two multicolored printed skirts, asking me to find one shirt to match them both.  Hot mess.    One skirt was black, yellow, blue, and green or some such craziness.  I think the other was brown, red, orange, and purple.  Initially I thought she was some kind of quality control mole.  Then I got the sense she didn’t really want one shirt.  She really just wanted to be done shopping because all things clothing and style were wildly frustrating.

I patiently and lovingly worked with her until after the store closed, hushing my coworkers, who were as annoyed with this woman’s shopping as she was when she entered the store.  She spent quite a bit and left the store overjoyed, with a new wardrobe.

So here’s the free, e-version of how to build a solid wardrobe.  In the spirit of substantive style, that means a collection of clothing that allows the wearer to feel prepared to face life everyday, looking good: Healthy, well-groomed, appropriate, intentional, comfortable, and expressively, uniquely, you.  We continue the style series today with the wardrobe checklist.

Mind you, this checklist is a guide, not a straitjacket.  Whatever you choose should be flattering, and  expressive of your unique self.  And, shopping tips will be the next post in this series.  Shopping can actually be fun.

Above all, everything in your wardrobe should make you look good.  It helps to choose items that are versatile, meaning you could wear it more than once, and differently.

  • Coats: Formal- The kind you might wear over a suit.  Informal- Anything warm and fun.
  • Dresses: Formal- Whatever says “I’m going to the ball.”  All about you.  Informal- Whatever says “I feel pretty.”

    An “I feel pretty” dress

  • Suit: Find one you’re comfortable wearing, that looks good on you.  Buy it.

Pantsuit and top with a ribbon belt.

  • Slacks: These are not jeans.  They are not stretch pants.
  • Jeans: These should fit you, and be comfortable.
  • Shorts: These should also fit you, and be comfortable.  You should have at least one pair you could wear to a family-friendly event.
  • Blouses:  A blouse is a nicer version of a top.  It’s usually looser and slightly more formal.
  • Tops: Casual shirts that look nice on you without making babies ogle your chest.  A wrap will handily rid you of that fashion casualty.

Satin top. And beret. Finger snap.

  • Purses:  Whatever size and style you need, that will match other stuff you wear.  If you don’t need one, more power to you.  Don’t ask your friend for lotion/chapstick/gum/etc., or to carry yours.
  • Shoes: Formal- Heels or no, a dressy shoe is a necessity.

  • Tennis shoes- Even if you think you won’t work out.  You’ll need them.  Own one pair.  Just one.  Casual- Not tennis shoes.  Not dressy.  Not flip-flops.
  • Slip:  Any dress made of thin, floaty material needs one underneath.  Showing your underparts is not a good look.
  • Brassieres:  Strapless- If this isn’t comfortable, dresses without straps shouldn’t be either.  Your choice.  Light and dark- The idea for your underclothes is that 90% of the time, they are underneath clothes.  And not seen.  Have choices and wear whichever color is less visible, be it white, tan, black, whatever.
  • Swimsuit- The time is now.  The perfect weight and perfect tan is now.  Don’t make excuses for not enjoying the ocean, sun, pool.  Find something, a skirted one-piece, pinup bikini, whatever and make sure you look good in it.  And make sure it isn’t see-through or baggy when wet.
  • Pajamas: Remember when we were little and slumber parties meant you literally put on cool pajamas and ate popcorn and played games with your friends?  Those are the kind of pajamas you should own as an adult.  At some point in your life you will be around another adult who isn’t your spouse and appropriate sleepwear will be warranted.
  • Fitness gear: Again, if you think you won’t workout think again.  Just because you’re getting sweaty doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wear the right workout support, pants, shirt, socks, shoes… That match and aren’t stained or full of holes.
  • Skirts:  Long- Not three fingers above your knees long.  Sit cross-legged on the floor without showing anything long.  Ankles.  Medium- Below the knees but not ankle-grazing.

Long skirt.

  • Short- Whatever allows you to still look good and be comfortable.
  • Accessories: Wraps, jewelry, headbands, barrettes, hats etc. are all extra-fun ways to express yourself.  Be bold and daring.  Use big colors, sparkles, and fun.

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Breakthrough: Recognizing the tempting distraction of struggling to make things work

17 Jul

Last night I dreamed I was babysitting an adorable little girl in a grassy park at sunset.  We were coloring, singing and having a good old time playing together.  As time wore on, I became wary of letting her run around because the park grew full of unsavory characters as darkness approached.

Partly to protect the little girl, and partly for the fun of it, I lifted her onto my shoulders and we continued bopping around.  I carefully supported her back as we frolicked.

Suddenly I felt her body go limp.  Her featherweight arm fell into my right hand.  Alarmed, I gently lowered her from my shoulders and her big brown eyes eased open.  She yawned, exhausted.  Her button nose needed attention pretty desperately.  As I went about cleaning her beautiful face she sat peacefully, slightly pursing her lips and lifting her chin to make the job easier.  She was clearly pleased about her helpfulness.

In the middle of tending to this sleepy, cute little lady my alarm blared, waking up the sleepy, cute little lady from her dreams.

Every one of us has an inner core of innocence, joy, peace and love that we must heal, care for, savagely protect and diligently maintain.

Every one of us is supported by the source of immeasurable, infinite strength, energy and power.

Every one of us is here, alive because we have a purpose to carry out in a place on Earth.

If we find ourselves in the wrong place and allow that power to enable the neglect of our innermost self we do ourselves an immense disservice.  We have to be aware of how and why we wield His power and strength.

We shouldn’t use it when we’re somewhere we shouldn’t be, have drained ourselves, and need supernatural support to push through the obstacles we created through our own efforts.  We should allow that higher source to dictate and order our efforts, so we can tend to our responsibilities, including shepherding our inner core.

When we struggle forward in our own strength we open a dangerous door to allow the temptation of distraction in.

Tempting distractions aren’t always fun stuff like movies, friends, or frivolity.

For many of us tempting distractions are struggle, illness, exhaustion, or being spread too thin.

It’s an abuse of faith to entrust our responsibilities to Him so we can overlook our own needs, for some supposedly worthy reason.  We are His vessels.  We can’t fail to care properly for His tools and then pray for a miracle to correct the brokenness.

Struggling for the wrong reasons will make us exhausted and unable to function fully.

At that point, we have to spend time and energy cleaning up after ourselves and recuperating, when that time could be focused on running full out toward our purpose.

Praying for power and strength as a super-fuel for a misaligned effort or a salve for self-inflicted wounds introduces resistance and rot where there should be love and healing.

What would we achieve if we would seek Him for alignment and healing so we could charge ahead together, instead of asking Him to carry us or drag us back to center?

It is our responsibility to make the time, take the steps to make sure we are physically, mentally, spiritually able to do what we were awakened to do.

In the dream, I responded to the environmental threat by protecting the little girl in a way that actually made it harder for me to see her and tend to her needs.  When she became exhausted and snot-nosed I couldn’t see it.  I could have chosen to leave the park and find someplace she could roam free, and lie down to rest instead of falling out.  Instead, I tried to make it work.  

A breakthrough is never easy. That’s a pass-through.

It won’t always be easy.

It helps to remember that when you’re in a space that threatens your alignment and impairs your ability to focus completely on your charge…  It is more wise to leave that space, seek alignment and focus than to struggle within it and fall prey to the distracting wake of misalignment, and lack of focus.

Don’t rob your purpose of energy and focus by constantly testing your capacity to bounce back.

We can’t afford to become dead weight on the team.

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Expressing yourself in style: Part II

9 Jul

In the same way what we say matters, how we look matters.

Both are outward reflections of spirit.

Our aesthetic goal should be to focus on looking good, meaning: Healthy, well-groomed, appropriate, intentional, comfortable, and expressively, uniquely, you.  That’s really all a sense of style is: Being intentionally, comfortably, expressively, and uniquely you.  

Of course, style is yours to uncover.  Some of us like a sporty look, others professional, still others very formal and others edgy.

This style series is meant to encourage you, both by dispelling the myth that style and self-care are shallow or irrelevant concerns, and by demonstrating looking good doesn’t have to an obsessively overwhelming concern.

So you have a sense of style.  Or don’t (we’ll explore more later).  But you’re open to discovering new things and enhancing the old.

Wonderful!

Except, that can be tricky if you don’t know how to deal with certain challenges and aren’t too keen on exploring the fun of fashion trial and error fun during your adult years.  Not for the faint of heart.

Below are a few stylish tips I’ve learned over the years that help you look good just about anytime.  Remember, looking good is: Healthy, well-groomed, appropriate, intentional, comfortable, and expressively, uniquely, you.

Hair:  It’s tough to look intentional, comfortable and well-groomed when it seems you’ve been wrestling with bears and blow-dryers all morning.  Going from the gym to the boardroom is very much a matter of the right hairstyle.  Essentially, if you can find a style that doesn’t war with your natural hair texture and develop a functional relationship with it, you’re on the right track.

I embraced my curls, and my naturally kinky texture because I realized with a really tight curl, you can dance, exercise, sleep, toss, get windblown all you want and still look like you styled your hair that morning… Why turn back?

The key to my tight curls is the wet set.  I’ve tried this on all hair types and races: Every single hair type responds to the wet set.  The size of roller dictates the size of curl you’ll have, until hair is wet again.  Choose carefully.

Fans:  Nothing says health-alert, frazzled and out of control like pouring sweat.  These are such a wonderful, classic, feminine way to keep cool at all times.

I’m rarely without one.

They’re quiet and small enough to use in a meeting, in church, at a movie, on a date.

And they’re so inexpensive! Most Asian grocers sell them, and if you buy sandalwood material they have a lovely scent.  Spray your favorite perfume on others and enjoy a heavenly breeze whenever you want.

Wraps:  It’s hard to look appropriate and be taken seriously when your neckline looks like a Hooters ad.

Take away the fuss of adjusting and self-checking with a wrap.  Most wraps are 5-6 feet long and 2 to 3 feet wide.  They often have fringe on the ends and come in a wide variety of colours, prints, and textures.  Most urban garment districts sell them in bulk very inexpensively so I buy different colors and wear 2 or 3 at a time.  Wear them with any and everything: a dress, tank top and jeans, suit.

You never have to worry about exposing more than you planned with one of these nearby.

And they’re all-weather: For warmth, wear wools or knits, or go sheer and light to stay cool and covered.

Mini-dresses:  It’s always awkwardly inappropriate and uncomfortable to flash your legs and etc. at some innocent victim.  There are places for short hemlines.  And more often, not.  You can wear a mini-dress anywhere appropriately by simply wearing a longer skirt layered underneath.  Choose a complementary/matching color and be mindful the skirt beneath has a smooth waist.  Adding a belt perfects the look. (No photos for the short skirt fix.)

Hats:  Grooming isn’t always fail-proof, and whether your hair looks perfect or not, hats are an expressive way to top off a look.  Disheveled hair, squinting eyes and peeling skin are not signs of inner peace.  You can shield your lovely skin and eyes from the sun, and if needed, make an imperfect hairstyle look intentional.  Wearing a festive fedora, beret, cowboy hat or sunhat works in every casual setting.

Hats can also eliminate worry about your style coming undone when you’ll be dealing with extreme weather.

Well-groomed:  Finally, these two beauty products should be a staple for anyone who likes to appear put-together.  More than a decade of trial and error doesn’t lie:

Smudge-proof, waterproof, self-sharpening eyeliner.  Is there any more treacherous part of makeup than eyeliner?  I don’t wear much else daily at all.  No need to worry about racoon-eyes, smudges, or broken lines with these guys.

Having tried M.A.C, Chanel, Lancome, Smashbox, and more, I swear by Maybelline or Revlon for staying power:  The photo below was taken in humid Jamaica, after sleeping through the night with eyeliner on.

More quick tips for hair, etc.

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Expressing yourself in style

6 Jul

Don’t believe the lie that looks don’t matter. They do.  People, art, fashion, natural wonders… Aesthetics, the way we look matters.  Appearance is a powerful and meaningful tool you should master and wield responsibly.

But.

Don’t believe the lie that when it comes to looks, a specific standard of beauty matters.  It doesn’t.  There is none.  Looking good is about looking healthy, well-groomed, appropriate, intentional, comfortable, and expressively, uniquely, you.

We have to take responsibility for how we look.

It’s important to hold ourselves responsible not only for the maintenance, development, growth, use and impact of our spirit and mind, but also for our physical appearance… In all arenas.

Think about it.

As adults, we’ve all developed (or are working to develop) social skills that allow us to function seamlessly in the different spaces of our life with different people: Family, friends, work, home, events, church, courtroom, grocery store, meetings, hospitals, etc.

Our appearance in each of those spaces matters just as much as the way we communicate and carry ourselves.

We would dress and behave completely differently at a festival than we would at a funeral.  I’d hope.

So.

Having acknowledged the importance of appearance, today we deal with a myth:

The myth: The idea that we ladies can’t be both well-groomed and grounded, fun and  well-coiffed, alluring and appropriate, active and poised.

Below are some pictures of yours truly in completely different places and outfits embracing looking healthy, well-groomed, appropriate, intentional, comfortable, and expressively, uniquely, me.

What I wear is a window into my spirit.  For now, it’s very modern pinup: that means red lacquered nails, big curly hair, dramatic eyeliner, and a feminine, alluring, classic wardrobe full of wraps, color and interesting accessories.  During my early teen years it was pretty dark: Black, baggy clothing, dark red nail polish and lipstick.  In college it was Afro-chic.  Maybe when I get older there will be a buzz-cut, boots and lace involved.  Who knows?

At an amusement park

Dinner cruise

On a dinner cruise

On a wine tasting trip

Um. In a tree. (Camping trip)

Red nails, big hair.

Now… My lifestyle is that of an executive, worshiper, dancer, housekeeper, artist and cook.  Regardless of what I’ve got on, I spend a whole lotta time every week working, crying, sweating, hair-whipping, messiness, and washing.

And, I refuse to spend a ton of time primping.

That means a glam look with a lotta not-so glam activities, and very little time to worry.

Note: Worry, like shame, guilt and regret is both worthless and wildly expensive.

Avoid at all costs.

Over the years I’ve uncovered simple ways to mesh personal style with lifestyle, maintaining comfort and poise.

The key is to remember that whether you like it or not, the way you look is expressive.  It says something.  So be intentional.  You think before you speak, right?  If not, you should consider it.

Take care of your health because you love you.  Display that care wisely and lovingly.  Put together your outfits like you’re creating a still life or arranging a centerpiece on a table: From head to toe, hair to nails it should be clear you care about you.

Honestly, not all of us do care.  We may workout and eat right but hate the idea of makeup or heels.  No matter how we choose to express ourselves stylistically, we still have to own the fact that we are sending a message with our appearance.

More to come.

Birthday brunch

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Smeagol or Gollum: 5 Steps to overcome self-doubt.

20 Jun

I recently, finally, watched The Lord of the Rings Trilogy and was struck by the symbolism of the tormented character of Smeagol and Gollum.  Physically, mentally, and spiritually this is a man who gave in once to darkness, became addicted to it, and wasted away, his very identity shattered in a desperate attempt to protect his life.

His outward appearance is of Gollum:

Rotting and unhealthy, obsessed with the one thing he believes is most important to him: A sense of personal power and importance found in his precious ring.  As the story unfolds, other characters recognize his true identity as the healthy young man, Smeagol.

They insist on relating to him in that identity.  After he grapples initially with self-loathing, he embraces the idea that he can turn from darkness.  He walks (literally) in the identity of the cheerful, helpful Smeagol until someone treats him as Gollum and he snaps, opening back up to darkness and oppression.

This was extreme, but it highlighted a universal truth:

All of us are growing, changing, developing constantly.  The biggest threat to our growth and development is us.  Any number of things may happen around and to us, but we alone choose how those events shape us, how treatment affects us, and especially what defines us.

It’s only when we believe the lie that we aren’t growing, changing and developing in new and wonderful ways that we risk succumbing to something we aren’t.

Maybe your Gollum is a procrastinator, an over-eater, adulterer, or self-sabotager.  If you’ve been consistently overcoming that, trust and believe that is your true identity.  It won’t be easy, because chances are you’ve been trusting and believing you were Gollum way longer than you should.

The challenge is, because you were acting like and living like Gollum, there will be people who treat you like you haven’t changed.  Worse, they may have a terrible moment and tell you so.

It will matter to you.

It will get under your skin because in this new identity, you are still purging self-doubt and fear… So for an instant, you might wonder whether they’re telling the truth.  They aren’t.

Here are the five steps you take to deal with self-doubt:

1) Remind yourself that no man or woman alive is truly qualified to pass judgment on your identity, and the one true judge is the definition of endless, pure and unconditional love who thinks you’re more awesome than you could ever believe.

2) Affirm yourself by saying you are your new identity, listing the qualities of that identity, and displaying those qualities.

3) Forgive the person who judged you, and pray for them to forgive themselves, and to find true love, peace, clarity and discernment.

4) Forgive yourself for doubting you.

5) Peacefully and lovingly allow space to come between the two of you.  This is important, because when someone condemns or judges you, your relationship is a lie.  No different than if you were to put on a mask and talk through a speech modifier: They don’t know you, but have convinced themselves you’re something you aren’t.  How can you relate to someone who believes their version of reality supersedes all else?

Judgment is nothing more than a filter of negative experience and expectation that jumbles thought, behavior and speech.  When we live free of expectation and full of forgiveness, judgment in ourselves and others becomes intolerable, and that’s a great thing.

Because instead of entering the sticky web of judgment, we see reminders to pray for one another, to uplift one another, to improve ourselves and those around us.

That rocks.

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Women: Make it easy for him… To be a man for you.

1 Jun

I’m a woman.  I’m a sister, a friend, a daughter, a loved one.  When men see me, they see you: A woman.  When men see you, they see me: A woman.

So tell me, who do you think you are?

Are you your lips, glossy, puckered and at-the ready?

Are you your wit, biting and quick, leaving pain and amusement in your wake?

Are you your beautiful, awesome body?  Do you use it to entice, tease, and entrap?

Or for the divine, unparalleled purpose of delivering and sustaining life? 

Are you the promise and temptation of sex?

Are you jealousy and competition, judging and belittling your own sisters’ reflection?

Are you tears, hurt, manipulation and control?

Or are you truth, wisdom, discernment, strength, kindness and grace?

Just who, exactly, do you think you are?

We need our real men to protect us, but we also need to know that:

a)     Many real men are already protecting us like valiant warriors.

b)    Many women don’t believe we deserve protection so we hurt ourselves, blaming men.

Who do you think you are?

Aren’t you the most powerful being to walk the Earth, God’s creation endowed with the supernatural ability to create and sustain life?

Aren’t you the most sensitive, persuasive, gentle, intelligent being to walk among men?

Aren’t you a divine force so pure real men find themselves yearning to keep you safe, protected, honored?

Yes, our men need to honor and protect us, instead of violating, abusing us, killing our dreams.  But we need to honor and protect ourselves first.

We are failing our divine protectors and killing ourselves when we believe the lie that we can earn anything of value selling our bodies in any way:  Marrying rich, dancing for dollars, laying down for money, working our wiles for material support.

We are failing our divine protectors and killing ourselves when we believe the lie that the least of us is our most valuable asset: That real men are attracted to sexiness and flirtation.

We are failing our divine protectors and killing ourselves when we believe the lie that our sisters are anything other than our beautiful friends, our equals to hold and be held accountable by and to; to be respected, loved, revered and cared for.

We are failing our divine protectors and killing ourselves when we believe the lie that our men grow, and become more powerful by being bewitched with our tricks of the trade… What trade?

Just who do you think you are, and exactly what are you growing inside of you… Around you?

Are your sons raised to worship women or to be used by them?

Are they raised to protect women or to conquer them?

Are they raised to honor women or to dishonor them?

Are they raised to become real men or boys?

Mothers aren’t the only ones who raise men. 

How many lovers have you allowed a husband’s privileges?

How many men a father’s honor?

How many friends have you showered with a wife’s service?

How special and worthy of protection do you appear to someone who is only shown that you believe you are worthless and common?

Women, we are queens:  Regal, elegant, respectable, majestic, graceful, selective, and wise.

We set ourselves apart.  We honor and love other women.  We are not every girl.  We are not any girl.  We are not bad.

We are so, very, very, good.

We are everything life is, its embodiment.  We are loving, kind, gentle, sweet, soft… At the same time we are faithful, clear, challenging, strong, powerful and filled with wisdom of ages…

A real woman does not:

  • Keep her man in check, or belittle him.  She reminds him of who he is: A king, all-powerful.
  • Seek to control or coerce her man.  She voices her needs and her concerns lovingly and directly, and follows however he leads.
  • Give her man reason to doubt or question her.  She is open, transparent and intentional in her behavior, because she lives a purpose-filled life, not a mysterious game of chance and tricks.
  • Depend on her man for life, happiness, and provision.  She is overjoyed, full of life, divinely provided for and a strong life partner for him to depend on. 
  • Wait for a man.  She searches for the Highest, Greatest being of all, losing and finding herself in Him.

Content, pure, and radiating divine beauty, a real woman is sought out by real men. 

With great clarity, discernment, patience, and truth she chooses to go where His light is cast.

A real woman is a real treasure, a priceless and powerful gift worthy of protection and honor by a real, and amazing man.

Ladies, it’s about time we all acted like it.

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