Ken-Doll: Product specifications

While at an amazing play over the weekend ( I found myself giggling at a line in one of the monologues.  The character was swooning about the godly behavior of her mythical “One”… Because he showed up on time and opened doors.  Giggle.

Chivalry is not dead.  And I’m not spoiled rotten.  Spoiled, yes.  But I spoil too so it evens out…

Here we will list 50 things to expect from a man who knows how to treat a lady.

Even your buddies should be doing these things up to item 30. It’s stuff Daddys do.  Help them step their game up for the special Barbie they’ll find by putting them on point now.

I’ll be honest, as a do-it-yourself Daddy’s girl with a tool belt and strength to baffle many men, my man had some training to do… And I’m a pretty well-domesticated animal.

This is not a challenge to your superwoman strength or capacity, rather a display of respect and honor.  Don’t worry. A handy list for the ladies will follow.

For you fellas who aren’t sure… Do this, without prompting.  Women will swoon and your game will skyrocket.  Enjoy it.  Should you need instructions or tips on the following, let me know and I’ll explain each in detail.

Ken Doll Product Specifications: Should your Ken Doll malfunction, or fail to perform the following Fifty Fab actions, please return to the manufacturer with proof of purchase.

  1. Open doors
  2. Be on time
  3. Call if late (<–Before arrival time)
  4. Walk closest to the curb
  5. Guide you when walking together through a crowd
  6. Help you take off your jacket
  7. Wait until you’re seated to sit
  8. Pull out your chair
  9. Offer his seat if standing
  10. Carry more stuff than you do
  11. Make sure you never walk anywhere alone at night
  12. Move big stuff
  13. Move heavy stuff
  14. Move ugly stuff
  15. Kill or scare things
  16. Check on scary noises
  17. Take out the trash
  18. Give you his jacket
  19. Cover you if it’s raining
  20. Help or lift you over puddles
  21. Handle all things fiery
  22. Handle all things vehicular
  23. Help you up and down steps
  24. Help you in and out of cars
  25. Make sure you’re never out late alone
  26. Stand up for you
  27. Help you out when you need a hand
  28. Listen when you need an ear
  29. Advise when you need wisdom
  30. Correct when you need checkin’
  31. Direct when you need leadership
  32. Pick you up for dates…
  33. And drop you off (bukkit-nekkit?)
  34. Drool when you wear minis
  35. Attack when you’re bukkit….
    Sorry.  I got distracted.  Um.Chivalry.  Stuff he should do.  Clearly this morphed into something else around number 30.  (Blushing)

    No matter.  So… For the Ken doll in your life whose special parts weren’t melted into a permanent shield… I continue with specs for your special Ken doll…

  36. Handle it.
  37. Take care of it.
  38. Cover it.
    Note: If 36 to 38 seem vague or cryptic now, wait ’till the love of your life utters those little words to you and check back.
  39. Make things ok
  40. Rub your feet if you’re weary
  41. Rub your back if it’s sore
  42. Rub your… DANGIT!  This is hard.
  43. Soothe you
  44. Dress up for you
  45. Smell nice for you
  46. Take care of himself
  47. Do nice things for you just because
  48. Center  you
  49. Adore you
  50. Make your relationship top priority

Mind you, this is not for you if your interest is in the garbage pail kid type:

Now… In case any of you ladies or gents (who obviously don’t know me) thought the ladies were about to be pampered free of charge…

Barbie product specifications are next:

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