Silly quotes: Jul-Oct 2010

I rarely watch television.  When I do it’s either because I’m physically incapable of reading at the time or trying to fall asleep.  Why, aside from the obvious reasons?  Because no writer can top the hilarity of nor compete with the witty banter of real-life.  Seriously.  The stuff I hear is too funny not to share.  Names have been omitted to protect the innocent.  I give you, top true quotes that really hat happent over the last four months.

  • Expression of excitement about Lent passing, having given up beef: “I’m gonna eat nothing but cow and pig and more pig.  Dessert is gonna be cow and pig with sugar on top of it.”
  • One of my friend’s attempts to divert attention away from herself after her button popped off her trousers at a party: “Oh! Look! Someone lost a button!”
  • Response to my question of whether a guy would pay for my carwash after he sarcastically asked if I was looking for a one: “Sure.  Do they take EBT?”
  • Disgruntled spades player in response to bid: “Eff you you ain’t got no muhf—in, ten.”
  • Two of my friends joking about my deep summer tan: Gal: “When did you get so brown?” Guy: “She’s been rubbing against [my significantly less melanin-challenged man]”.
  • Overheard in response to a recorded voicemail: Message sender: “We’ve been trying to reach you about Success.” Message recipient: “There’s a reason there’s been no success. It’s not you, it’s me.”
  • In a meeting with executive management: Boss: “You shouldn’t do that. With your face.” Colleague: “What, look ignorant?”
  • In joking response to a subordinate’s claim that they don’t get praised for a job well done: Boss: “What? You get praised every other week!”
  • After a particularly tasty birthday lunch at work for another team member: “Y’all should be born all the time!”
  • In response to the suggestion of using pyrotechnics to enhance a lackluster stage performance: “That’s how Michael Jackson caught on fire!”
  • In reference to the inappropriate yet frequent tendency to demand a showcase one’s singing/acting/dancing talent when discovered: “PERFORM, CLOWN!”
  • Pastor during Sunday service: “What? I tweet.  I think my tweets are cool.  You should follow me.”
  • The cherry on top of the loser sundae one of my girlfriends served to her scrabble opponent: “What you should have done, was been smarter than you are, and played better than you could have. You needed to get more points than I did. And you didn’t.”
  • Spades smack-talking: “Will someone come get this Georgia nig and teach him some remedial math? He’s out of fingers and toes!”
  • Attempted scrabble play: “Tanner: One who tans.”
  • In reference to doing something involving likka and/or dancing as opposed to church or group discussion: “I’m not above unconventional means of lightening the soul.”
  • After the recent Gulf oilspill, in reference to the exorbitant amount of shellfish I’d ordered for lunch, my Dad’s suggestion being the contamination would make its way West: Dad: “So… you’re trying to eat up all the fish?
  • Me: “Yeah.”

No explanation needed for these gems:

“Bless you for all the sneezes you will ever make.”

“Most of us, who type things, have automatic spell check.”

“He’s the smartest guy I’ve ever liked… And, well, you know. That too.”

“Don’t look at me with that tone of voice!”

“Oh no,  the best part of the game is coming up, when they do the loser’s interviews.”

“I am very particular about not associating myself with wackness.”

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