Nothing tops real life funnies

We should all enjoy life.  Really, really enjoy it and all of its simplicity and elegance.   When in doubt, if you’re laughing a lot, that’s not often a bad thing.  So, I’ve made a practice of writing down the funny things friends and loved ones say.

“TP is going to take over the Harry potter franchise?!?! He’ll have him in the closet with a broom.”

“Mmmm…Asparagus… Pumpkin seed and… Yes! YES!   Squirrel fur.” -Making fun of wine tasting.

“Ladies I know it’s early but since it’s your birthday would you like to start out with a shot of skyy vodka? “ “YES!”  -Trio’s response in unison at 10am.

“What is a Nigiri? Jesus Christ. I remember they used to have that Thai jungle salad and now…”

“Oh, I put Grand Marnier and Bailey’s Irish creme in my Cinnamon Toast Crunch at nine am.”

“I am going to be there tomorrow but I am not going to be square…I plan to arrive in a more rectangular-like fashion (in other words…I am going to be late)…Can’t wait!!”

“White people are good for front yard parties. Not black folks.” “Unless it’s daytime when you can see what folks are doing  from the porch.  And not say anything even when it matters. That’s bitterness there.  Shining.  This haterade of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…”  -Bitterness about a daylight burglary with no witnesses.

“…I don’t know what to say when I know I’m wrong but don’t want to change my position.”

“I’m gonna kidnap you and take you to an herbalist. Get rid of that shit.” “Really, my sniffles inspired you to curse?” “Yes.”

“Hey, don’t kick her in the face.” “It’s not funny?”  -Mommy discouraging daughter from kicking family cat.

“Eagles are bigger and more awesome than Falcons. That’s just a fact.” “Shut yo face! Even Superman lost a couple fights!”- Sports smack-talk.

“We should do a group walk together.” “No, we should do a group sleep together.”  -Fighting the ‘itis after Thanksgiving.

“We do ask that gentlemen remove their hats.” “Who said I was a gentleman?”

“I didn’t know I couldn’t sing yet…”

“We would be surprised to know how many problems would be fixed simply by loving more.”  -Ok that’s not funny.  🙂 Sweet wholesome goodness. 🙂

“He’s supposed to know how to make some shit happen when shit happen.”

“I’m going to wake up when I need to. I’m sick. And my calves hurt.” -Fussing about an early morning rise.

Game night treasure trove:

“If you google ‘eat the poo poo’…No Really!”

“Who invented the Heimlich maneuver?” “John Maneuver.”

“His sweater wasn’t a joke. He just walked out with it on.” “Alright Mr. Rogers. Welcome to my neighborhood muthaf—-a.”

“Moses didn’t take animals on the boat.”-Muslim pal.   “Muslim bible scholar school. Y’all missed that class.”-Christian pal.

“All the action’s in the bedroom.” -Where folks were watching a slideshow of game night pictures.

Church comedy:

‘I’m a Methodist.‘ What is that? Are you methodical?”

“I didn’t offend you, you offended yourself.”

“Put an h on that ho. This is church.” -Choir practice.

#Barf Alert#

Cheesy couple quotes:

“I  like being your soft vowel.” “I like being your hard consonant.” “Did we just make grammar sexy?” “We’re unstoppable.”

“I’m thinking goldfish circus. Hoops and things. Flying trapeze. That would be impressive. No legs or arms.” -Sarcasm about a low-key approach.

“Just understand if you get arrested, no we’re not bringing your blanket, and yes we’re drinking the bubbly you left. It’s a celebration b–ches.”- Discussing park regulations.

“Yes. I am reporting for booty.”

#End Alert#


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