Years ago, I was single. And I got some really perfect advice about avoiding the hotmessdedness that is the inevitable outcome of the single-and-looking process.
I was told to be careful what I wished for.
At the time, I asked myself:
- Do you really want to meet more people or do you want to rediscover yourself?
- Do you really want to be dating people or do you want to be fulfilled in dating yourself?
- Do you really want to be with one or do you want to be one with self, whole?
- Are you really ready to be married?
- Don’t you simply want happiness and contentment?
- Then why are you looking for a goshdarned thing?
Too often, we look at symbols and idols and pretend they are either symptoms or causes of happiness.
Question: How do you get a man or woman?
Answer: You don’t. You get you. Focus on you. The fact is, you don’t need a motherlovin’ thing to be happy but you. Not a wife, or a husband, or a car, or a home, or a drink, or a dance, or a dress, or new shoes, or jewelry, or church, or pets, or family, or friends, or kids.
You know why?
Because all around the world there are people who have all of those things and are still unhappy.
You are the one constant in your life.
So. The next time you find yourself yearning to change your circumstance, yearn to change yourself. Figure out who you are. What you like. How you feel and why.
Learn to love yourself like no one else can. In the process, you will inch ever closer to the best version of yourself. And why would you want to be anything less? Why would you want to be with someone who wanted a lesser version of you? In life, we deserve to be surrounded by people who see and love our most divine selves, who uplift us: But it’s our responsibility to discern who belongs around us and in what role.
Question: How do you keep ’em?
Answer: Keep it up. You have to take ownership of living your own life. It is not lived for anyone else but you. Even as parents, if you’re unable to care for yourself first your children will suffer immeasurably. Maintain your sense of self. Do the things you love. Continually rediscover and explore yourself.
In an ideal romantic relationship, you won’t complete each other: Life is always growing and changing. And you won’t love each other more than life itself: That’s a suicide pact, not love. You won’t ever know everything there is to know about each other, and yourselves: Healthy people are constantly changing.
You want to know how to get and keep a really great relationship?
Revel in finding out and falling in love with all there is to know about yourself, your spirit, your life first.
And never stop.