How to REALLY get (and keep) the love of your life..

Years ago, I was single.  And I got some really perfect advice about avoiding the hotmessdedness that is the inevitable outcome of  the single-and-looking process.

I was told to be careful what I wished for.

At the time, I asked myself:

  • Do you really want to meet more people or do you want to rediscover yourself?
  • Do you really want to be dating people or do you want to be fulfilled in dating yourself?
  • Do you really want to be with one or do you want to be one with self, whole?
  • Are you really ready to be married?
  • Don’t you simply want happiness and contentment?
  • Then why are you looking for a goshdarned thing?

Too often, we look at symbols and idols and pretend they are either symptoms or causes of happiness.

Question: How do you get a man or woman?

Answer: You don’t.  You get you.  Focus on you.  The fact is, you don’t need a motherlovin’ thing to be happy but you.  Not a wife, or a husband, or a car, or a home, or a drink, or a dance, or a dress, or new shoes, or jewelry, or church, or pets, or family, or friends, or kids.

You know why?

Because all around the world there are people who have all of those things and are still unhappy.

You are the one constant in your life.

So.  The next time you find yourself yearning to change your circumstance, yearn to change yourself.  Figure out who you are.  What you like.  How you feel and why.




Learn to love yourself like no one else can.  In the process, you will inch ever closer to the best version of yourself.   And why would you want to be anything less?  Why would you want to be with someone who wanted a lesser version of you? In life, we deserve to be surrounded by people who see and love our most divine selves, who uplift us: But it’s our responsibility to discern who belongs around us and in what role.

Question: How do you keep ’em?

Answer:  Keep it up.  You have to take ownership of living your own life.  It is not lived for anyone else but you.  Even as parents, if you’re unable to care for yourself first your children will suffer immeasurably.  Maintain your sense of self.  Do the things you love.  Continually rediscover and explore yourself.

In an ideal romantic relationship, you won’t complete each other: Life is always growing and changing.  And you won’t love each other more than life itself:  That’s a suicide pact, not love.  You won’t ever know everything there is to know about each other, and yourselves:  Healthy people are constantly changing.

You want to know how to get and keep a really great relationship?

Revel in finding out and falling in  love with all there is to know about yourself, your spirit, your life first.

And never stop.

13 Replies to “How to REALLY get (and keep) the love of your life..”

  1. Very helpful advice. I’ve been saying this for years and no one ever listens lol and I am glad you are clear on what it takes.
    -Dear, I would LOVE it a ton if you visited my blog and told me what you think on my writing. I’m an aspiring writer and it really would mean ALOT. Thank You so much 🙂

  2. YES, yes and Yes!!! Im in the midst of my 6 mile walk totally loving God, myself and nature…really indulging in learning more of God who shows me more of myself, which in turn makes me love HIM and myself soooo much more and the coolest part of all is life just keeps getter better and the people i meet, know & love are more amaZing!

    Thank you for being YOU and sharing with us that amazing gift

  3. Thank you, I so needed to hear this. Being a previous foster child, I have a difficult time with self-esteem issues. It’s hard for me to realize the importance of self-love.

    1. You’re welcome, thank you for reading. We can all, always stand to love more. I find it helps to remember there’s nothing about us that isn’t right: No one can judge you but you, right.

  4. Good stuff Tina! Many of us already know of what you’re speaking. Our biggest problem is the application of this knowledge. Whitney Houston (love her to life) sang “The Greatest Love of All” and, ironically, could not apply what she sang, in the song, to her own life. At the end of the day, we all have to become people of virtue and integrity. Talking the talk is easy, it’s walking the walk that takes some effort. I don’t know you well but it has always seems as if you’re living your life like it’s golden. Kudos again for a great read and tell Eb I said, “What’s up?”.

    1. Thanks Chevez! I think it’s hard because anything self-help is so stigmatized, often there’s resistance to even start. But it’s so much goshdurned fun finding the joy in everything. Definitely blessed with a golden life and glad you’re in it, often providing the soundtrack. 😉

      Will do.

  5. I am really feeling what you just said…and that is the hardest thing in the world for me to do…is to learn to love myself…I constantly feel as if I need someone else to validate my worthiness, which is sick… and I realize this…but I just don’t know how to get well. I am gradually learning to love myself, be by myself, and pamper myself. My constant prayer is for God to teach me how to live down here, or out here…hell I was released from prison two years ago…and I still don’t know how to live out here…God please teach me, groom me, guide me and use me. This too shall pass.

    1. Sherrie, thank you so much. Let God order your steps and remember all He is, is pure and perfect love. Often times, he’s breaking us down to build us up: Ever notice how much you learn when things are rough? I know folks can’t tell me a thing when life feels perfect. Stay open to the lessons around you, and try to drink in all the strength He’s building in you. Never be afraid to love yourself for exactly who you are. I pray you always move forward looking forward.

Please share your thoughts, encouragement, questions, I'd love to see them.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.